The last eight weeks of work were absolutely draining. I spent 4 weeks in the PICU and then 4 months as senior resident on one of the general pediatrics inpatient teams. While I was inpatient, I took overnight in-house call every 4th night, and I am so tired. If I don't see another child with RSV for a while, it will still be too soon! I had so many random hilarious things happen last month and so many random frustrating things to balance out the funny that I am just exhausted.
I managed to work out my days off from last month, my vacation time, and my Christmas break time to work together to give me 13 days in a row off. I will probably NEVER have this much time off again, so I'm definitely enjoying it while it lasts. I'm now on day 8 and have loved every day of sleeping in (which means not getting up til 7:30). We hosted our Sunday School class Christmas party at our house last Saturday and had a blast! We spent last Sunday afternoon with Hubby's dad and 2 sisters and had a mini-Christmas since parts of that side of the family won't be together again this year. This afternoon, my parents and 2 siblings are coming in to stay with us for the next 4 days, and I cannot wait.
Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year. I love everything about it -- the food, the smells, the gift-giving, the decorations. This year has been even better since Hubby and I are the ones hosting Christmas. We have scrubbed the house from top to bottom and hung all our decorations. We have our formal Christmas tree downstairs and our homey Christmas tree upstairs. The house smells like a combination of the sugar cookies and cranberry-orange scones I baked last night, and my first turkey is sitting in the fridge getting ready to be brined soon (thanks, Food Network and Alton Brown!). I even have the cutest Santa outfit for Sebastian! Best of all, I have been able to attend church last Sunday with Hubby and will go tomorrow with my side of the family as well as Hubby; sharing fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ is even more beautiful to me this time of year after my long absence due to work. I am so thankful for the miracle of my King's coming, and while I know this time of year is likely not the actual time of His birth, I enjoy using it as a time to celebrate His story. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Nice surprise
Earlier today I began an entry on my experience this weekend as I watched the aftermath of a horrible tragedy that resulted in a young child dying in his mother's arms. I was not there for the end due to duty hour rules, but I was there for the beginning. It was so horrible that I pray no one else ever has to go through this. I recognize that we unfortunately live in an imperfect world, and this terrible scenario will likely play out again in that same unit time after time.
That said, I'm not ready to deal with the emotions that this experience is evoking. Instead, I've decided to blog about the happier side of the last three days.
Saturday I left the hospital and came home to Hubby. It was the first time I'd seen him since Sunday night (technically I saw him Monday morning, but I was half asleep, so it doesn't count), and boy was it good to be in the same house with him.
Sunday I had to go to work, and I had a SICK patient. She was a complete mystery to multiple teams, so I ended up staying in the PICU hours later than I had planned. I didn't have an official breakfast that day, and my lunch consisted of a cold piece of pizza I ate as I left the hospital at 2:45 that afternoon. The upside of Sunday? My dad was in town, so we picked him up and had a delicious dinner at Cantina Laredo.
Today I slept ten hours straight -- glorious. I had a meeting with my program director at 3, so I left the house after lunch to run some errands before the meeting. I'm asking for new jeans for Christmas, so I dropped into my favorite store for jeans to try on a pair. To my extreme pleasure, I have dropped a jean size!! I noticed that my jeans had been quite loose lately, so today's dressing room revelation came as an expected but pleasant surprise. After I got home, I made a HUMONGOUS batch of fudge and 2 loaves of pumpkin spice bread. Now I'm preparing to watch my favorite TV show, Heroes. Life is good! :)
That said, I'm not ready to deal with the emotions that this experience is evoking. Instead, I've decided to blog about the happier side of the last three days.
Saturday I left the hospital and came home to Hubby. It was the first time I'd seen him since Sunday night (technically I saw him Monday morning, but I was half asleep, so it doesn't count), and boy was it good to be in the same house with him.
Sunday I had to go to work, and I had a SICK patient. She was a complete mystery to multiple teams, so I ended up staying in the PICU hours later than I had planned. I didn't have an official breakfast that day, and my lunch consisted of a cold piece of pizza I ate as I left the hospital at 2:45 that afternoon. The upside of Sunday? My dad was in town, so we picked him up and had a delicious dinner at Cantina Laredo.
Today I slept ten hours straight -- glorious. I had a meeting with my program director at 3, so I left the house after lunch to run some errands before the meeting. I'm asking for new jeans for Christmas, so I dropped into my favorite store for jeans to try on a pair. To my extreme pleasure, I have dropped a jean size!! I noticed that my jeans had been quite loose lately, so today's dressing room revelation came as an expected but pleasant surprise. After I got home, I made a HUMONGOUS batch of fudge and 2 loaves of pumpkin spice bread. Now I'm preparing to watch my favorite TV show, Heroes. Life is good! :)
Monday, November 05, 2007
Strength to carry on
This weekend I experienced one of the hardest moments of my life. I've been in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU) for the last two weeks, and I have seen children make it through things I never want to think about again. On Saturday, one of our team's patients didn't make it. We had tried to keep him alive for a few weeks, but eventually even out last ditch efforts were obviously beginning to fail. Almost all of us, including me, knew that we needed to let him go, but we had been giving his family time to come to that realization as well. By Saturday, his mom was there, but his dad was still asking for more time.
I had to be in the room as our attending explained to this child's parents that we were rapidly running out of interventions to keep him alive. My attending comforted them by reminding them that their child was not awake and that he was not feeling pain. The chaplain and a family friend made it to the room, and I helped the nurses clean his broken little body as best we could. We disconnected his lines, we turned off his monitors, and finally they pulled out his breathing tube and the other tubes going down his nose and face.
None of us really knew this patient. He had never opened his eyes, never spoken, never woken up for the entire time we cared for him, yet through hearing his family speak about him and seeing pictures of him, we felt like we knew him. We all watched as this patient that we had fought so hard to save took a few shallow breaths and then stopped breathing. His parents began to cry, and I fought so hard not to cry myself. We stepped out of the room to give them time alone with their son before returning a few minutes later to make the final pronouncements.
It was interesting to see how the different members of the team responded to this. Some stood around joking about inane little things to take their minds off what happened, some immersed themselves in busy work, and some left our part of the unit entirely. Until Saturday, I had never been in the room when a child died, and it was every bit as hard as I anticipated, so I didn't know what to do to make this any easier for myself. As we had been in the room with the family, I found myself silently crying out to God for them, but after we left the room for the last time, I was too busy taking care of the patients I still had left to stop and focus on everything that had just happened.
This patient was not one of my normal patients. I had never been the main provider for him before; it had always been someone else, but due to shift requirements and work schedules, I was covering him for only four hours that day. Right before he was handed off to me, I knew how sick he was, and I found myself hoping that he wouldn't die on my shift. Initially I felt guilty for hoping that he would survive five hours instead of three, but when I realized the source of my fears, I didn't feel so bad. This was previously uncharted territory; I had never directly been in the room when a child died, and I didn't have a strong connection with the family. I didn't know what my role would be, and I was scared of doing the wrong thing. I am not personally afraid of death because I know what will happen to me when I die, but I was and still am afraid of death when it comes to others. As it became obvious that we wouldn't be able to keep him alive, I just began to pray that God would help me do the right things and be a tool in His hands.
After it was all over, I made the appropriate phone calls and filled out the necessary forms. His dad asked me if he could keep the blanket we had covered his child with so that only his face and shoulders, the least visibly damaged parts, would be seen. We heartily reinforced that this blanket and anything else they needed was theirs, and they thanked us before quietly slipping out, never to come back.
The chaplain found me later and thanked me "for everything," but it felt so ridiculous that she would thank me at all as I felt I hadn't done anything for them. She told me that on the way out of the hospital, our patient's mom had expressed that she didn't know why God had allowed this to happen but that He was in control and that she would continue to trust Him. Such amazing faith in the face of such tragedy! How I pray that my faith would be as strong!
I was at work for about an hour and a half more after the death before signing out to the night shift person. While I was there, I was able to smile and keep a cheerful appearance, but as soon as I stepped out of the hospital, I began to feel a huge weight being lowered down onto my shoulders. I called Hubby to let him know I was on my way home, and for once, I didn't feel like talking during the drive. I started to cry as drove down I-35 and began to call out to God for this family. I don't know if half of my words would have been intelligible to the human ear, but I know that God heard and understood me. After I got home, I just needed to be held by Hubby as I cried. Later he listened to me as I talked through the events of the day, and I was begin to process what had just happened.
I still don't have answers to make all of the pieces fit together. Why this happened will never make sense to me, but I have faith that God is good and that He works in ways I will never understand. I will continue to pray for this family and for myself that I may be a tool in His hands.
I had to be in the room as our attending explained to this child's parents that we were rapidly running out of interventions to keep him alive. My attending comforted them by reminding them that their child was not awake and that he was not feeling pain. The chaplain and a family friend made it to the room, and I helped the nurses clean his broken little body as best we could. We disconnected his lines, we turned off his monitors, and finally they pulled out his breathing tube and the other tubes going down his nose and face.
None of us really knew this patient. He had never opened his eyes, never spoken, never woken up for the entire time we cared for him, yet through hearing his family speak about him and seeing pictures of him, we felt like we knew him. We all watched as this patient that we had fought so hard to save took a few shallow breaths and then stopped breathing. His parents began to cry, and I fought so hard not to cry myself. We stepped out of the room to give them time alone with their son before returning a few minutes later to make the final pronouncements.
It was interesting to see how the different members of the team responded to this. Some stood around joking about inane little things to take their minds off what happened, some immersed themselves in busy work, and some left our part of the unit entirely. Until Saturday, I had never been in the room when a child died, and it was every bit as hard as I anticipated, so I didn't know what to do to make this any easier for myself. As we had been in the room with the family, I found myself silently crying out to God for them, but after we left the room for the last time, I was too busy taking care of the patients I still had left to stop and focus on everything that had just happened.
This patient was not one of my normal patients. I had never been the main provider for him before; it had always been someone else, but due to shift requirements and work schedules, I was covering him for only four hours that day. Right before he was handed off to me, I knew how sick he was, and I found myself hoping that he wouldn't die on my shift. Initially I felt guilty for hoping that he would survive five hours instead of three, but when I realized the source of my fears, I didn't feel so bad. This was previously uncharted territory; I had never directly been in the room when a child died, and I didn't have a strong connection with the family. I didn't know what my role would be, and I was scared of doing the wrong thing. I am not personally afraid of death because I know what will happen to me when I die, but I was and still am afraid of death when it comes to others. As it became obvious that we wouldn't be able to keep him alive, I just began to pray that God would help me do the right things and be a tool in His hands.
After it was all over, I made the appropriate phone calls and filled out the necessary forms. His dad asked me if he could keep the blanket we had covered his child with so that only his face and shoulders, the least visibly damaged parts, would be seen. We heartily reinforced that this blanket and anything else they needed was theirs, and they thanked us before quietly slipping out, never to come back.
The chaplain found me later and thanked me "for everything," but it felt so ridiculous that she would thank me at all as I felt I hadn't done anything for them. She told me that on the way out of the hospital, our patient's mom had expressed that she didn't know why God had allowed this to happen but that He was in control and that she would continue to trust Him. Such amazing faith in the face of such tragedy! How I pray that my faith would be as strong!
I was at work for about an hour and a half more after the death before signing out to the night shift person. While I was there, I was able to smile and keep a cheerful appearance, but as soon as I stepped out of the hospital, I began to feel a huge weight being lowered down onto my shoulders. I called Hubby to let him know I was on my way home, and for once, I didn't feel like talking during the drive. I started to cry as drove down I-35 and began to call out to God for this family. I don't know if half of my words would have been intelligible to the human ear, but I know that God heard and understood me. After I got home, I just needed to be held by Hubby as I cried. Later he listened to me as I talked through the events of the day, and I was begin to process what had just happened.
I still don't have answers to make all of the pieces fit together. Why this happened will never make sense to me, but I have faith that God is good and that He works in ways I will never understand. I will continue to pray for this family and for myself that I may be a tool in His hands.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Again?!?
I am sick yet again. I didn't feel so hot in clinic yesterday, and by the time I got home, it was definitely not good. I threw up around 8 PM and went to bed without dinner. This morning I ate a few crackers for breakfast as rounds were starting, but I didn't have the appetite for anything else. Around 10 AM, my attending told me to call in sick call because he could tell I didn't feel well. I almost started crying right there in the middle of rounds because I was doing everything I could not to call in sick call, but I felt so horrible that I just wanted to go home.
I made myself some soup when I got home, so in the last 30 hours, I have eaten about 6 saltines and a cup of chicken noodle soup. I'm considering some Jello for dinner, but we'll see. At least I have tomorrow off, so I don't have to worry about calling in sick call for a second day.
I'm in the PICU this month. I'm definitely not an intensivist! There are plenty of valuable lessons for me to learn in my 28 days here, but I am so out of my element. I'm seeing such horrible things that I usually want to go home and cry to get it all out. These kids are so sick, and I'm seeing horrific child abuse that turns my stomach. This month is turning me into even more of an advocate for my patients than I was before! I am so tired; I'm waking up at 4:30-5 am every day, and at least two days a week, I work til 8 PM. I'm only on 30-hour call twice this month, but the first time is Saturday. I'm a little nervous about it, but I know that it will be okay.
I think it's time for Jello and a second episode of Law and Order. I don't have any plans for tonight other than to relax and watch TV with Sebastian. Tomorrow Hubby will be home; I'm hoping that I will at least be eating real food by dinner tomorrow.
I made myself some soup when I got home, so in the last 30 hours, I have eaten about 6 saltines and a cup of chicken noodle soup. I'm considering some Jello for dinner, but we'll see. At least I have tomorrow off, so I don't have to worry about calling in sick call for a second day.
I'm in the PICU this month. I'm definitely not an intensivist! There are plenty of valuable lessons for me to learn in my 28 days here, but I am so out of my element. I'm seeing such horrible things that I usually want to go home and cry to get it all out. These kids are so sick, and I'm seeing horrific child abuse that turns my stomach. This month is turning me into even more of an advocate for my patients than I was before! I am so tired; I'm waking up at 4:30-5 am every day, and at least two days a week, I work til 8 PM. I'm only on 30-hour call twice this month, but the first time is Saturday. I'm a little nervous about it, but I know that it will be okay.
I think it's time for Jello and a second episode of Law and Order. I don't have any plans for tonight other than to relax and watch TV with Sebastian. Tomorrow Hubby will be home; I'm hoping that I will at least be eating real food by dinner tomorrow.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
One more thing ...
One more thing I am thankful for is the ability to swallow. My precious patient has lost that ability. I found out today through a text page from another doc taking care of her, and now she is going to require tube feeds. I almost started crying in Fry's shortly after I found out. Later after we got home, I soaked in a hot bath with water up to my chin as I cried out to God and told Him again that I don't know what to do for her. No one seems to know. She is getting worse right in front of our eyes, and there is nothing we can do to stop it.
This is the point where my flesh wants to start disengaging. Looking into her mom's eyes hurts so badly because I cannot provide answers or an honest hope of recovery at this point. Caressing her sweet little face reminds me how fragile she is. Although I continue to pray for a miracle, I am preparing myself for what happens if God chooses not to provide one. She may live a long life, but at this point there are no answers.
Fortunately the Holy Spirit refuses to let me disengage. I am frequently reminded that the best thing I can do for her is to pray. The first time God began to whisper to my heart what He had in store for my life, I was a 14 year old teen volunteer at Hermann Hospital. I was wheeling a patient from the front of the hospital to his room when he began to vomit in front of me. I was a helpless teenager who had no clue what to do, but I was overcome with a desire to help this man. The words from a song called "Not Too Far From Here" (originally sung by Kim Boyce) popped into my head: "Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain; help me not to rest while those around me weep. Give me Your strength and compassion when somebody finds the road of life too steep."
Little did I know that six years later, He would call me to medical school, and four years later, He would call me to take care of His little ones. I see His fingerprints every day in the beauty that is the human body. I see His miracles everywhere I turn. How one could practice medicine and not believe in God is beyond me.
I can cry for my patient. I can pray for her. I can feel helpless. I can come up with new ideas. I just need to keep remembering that God has a perfect plan, and I need to be ready to be a tool in His hands in any way He wants to use me.
Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here
And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me Lord to wipe away a tear
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here
Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
Somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here
It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me and take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here
Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds the road of life too steep
Now, I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak your love to every needful ear
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
This is the point where my flesh wants to start disengaging. Looking into her mom's eyes hurts so badly because I cannot provide answers or an honest hope of recovery at this point. Caressing her sweet little face reminds me how fragile she is. Although I continue to pray for a miracle, I am preparing myself for what happens if God chooses not to provide one. She may live a long life, but at this point there are no answers.
Fortunately the Holy Spirit refuses to let me disengage. I am frequently reminded that the best thing I can do for her is to pray. The first time God began to whisper to my heart what He had in store for my life, I was a 14 year old teen volunteer at Hermann Hospital. I was wheeling a patient from the front of the hospital to his room when he began to vomit in front of me. I was a helpless teenager who had no clue what to do, but I was overcome with a desire to help this man. The words from a song called "Not Too Far From Here" (originally sung by Kim Boyce) popped into my head: "Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain; help me not to rest while those around me weep. Give me Your strength and compassion when somebody finds the road of life too steep."
Little did I know that six years later, He would call me to medical school, and four years later, He would call me to take care of His little ones. I see His fingerprints every day in the beauty that is the human body. I see His miracles everywhere I turn. How one could practice medicine and not believe in God is beyond me.
I can cry for my patient. I can pray for her. I can feel helpless. I can come up with new ideas. I just need to keep remembering that God has a perfect plan, and I need to be ready to be a tool in His hands in any way He wants to use me.
Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here
And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me Lord to wipe away a tear
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here
Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
Somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here
It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me and take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here
Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds the road of life too steep
Now, I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak your love to every needful ear
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
I am thankful ...
... that I'm incapable ... of doin' any good on my own.
Seriously, the tragedy I have been watching around me makes me stop and reflect how many things for which I have to be thankful. Let me give an abbreviated list:
Seriously, the tragedy I have been watching around me makes me stop and reflect how many things for which I have to be thankful. Let me give an abbreviated list:
- My beloved husband
- My family
- The best dog in the world
- My home
- Indoor plumbing :)
- Delicious food that is readily and easily accessible (and often somewhat nutritious)
- Clean, drinkable water
- My overall good health
- A supportive work environment
- Freedom of speech and of worship
- Easy access to medicine
- Laughter
- My new Barista and the delicious coffee that Hubby makes for me before I go to work
- Christmas CDs that arrive early (yay Amazon.com!)
- A baby's laugh
- Seeing miracles everyday with my own eyes
- Most of all ... my Savior
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Reflection
Tonight I decided to skip an optional journal club meeting, so Sebastian and I are chilling and doing nothing worthwhile. He's sleeping in my lap while I'm working on wiping out my classic iPod and starting from scratch. Unfortunately my largest CD case is in hubby's car at the airport, but my smaller case with many of my favorite CDs was in mine, so I have decent starting material. I've been enjoying songs I've loved for the last ten+ years, so I felt inspired to fill one of these out.
1. What were you doing 10 years ago? It was October 1997, and I was applying to colleges and going on trips across Texas to figure out where I wanted to be. I was also stressing over my ex-boyfriend (although, as I joke with Hubby, we never officially broke up, so technically ...) and wondering whether or not we should get back together. For the record, we didn't. I had just gotten my driver's license four months earlier and my own car one month earlier, and my braces had FINALLY come off on the same day I got my car. I thought I was the stuff!
2. What were you doing 5 years ago? October 2002 -- I was into my first semester of medical school and FREAKING OUT over anatomy. Yuck. I was also driving almost every weekend to be with a boy who turned out to be bad news. Between studying and driving to see the boy, I didn't have much time for anything else, and I was missing College Station very badly.
3. What were you doing 1 year ago? October 2006 -- I was finishing up my easiest month of intern year (clinic selective) and starting one of my harder months (night float). I was so exhausted and extremely stressed over residency and missing my hubby. I missed Houston so much it hurt! Funny how a place in which I felt so uncomfortable 4 years earlier seemed so much like home.
4. What did you do yesterday? I went to Surgery Clinic and learned about all sorts of surgical problems kids have. Some would gross out anybody non-medical, so I won't give any links. :) Then I went to one of the best stores in the world, Target, and came home to hang out with Sebastian.
5. Snacks I enjoy -- I get on kicks where I will eat certain things over and over and over until I get sick of them, and then I won't touch them for months. The latest passions? Red grapes, pineapple, grill cheese sandwiches, and a glass of milk with a cookie (although I don't eat all those at the same time)
6. Things I would do with $100 million dollars -- Automatic $10 million to my church as a tithe, then extra for missions both abroad and in my hometown. Pay off my student loans, our house, and my car. Take my family and Hubby's family on a trip. Find a family in need and buy Christmas toys for all their children. Save the rest and continue to live our life in a manner much like we live now. It would be nice to not have to pay off my loans and the house, but other than that, I don't think I would want to change much of how we live. God has blessed us with far more than we need.
7. Locations I would run to -- I'd love to go back to Maui with Hubby and take him to Italy and France for his first trip to Europe. We're talking about going to NYC for my first trip there during our vacation in the spring, so I would have to stay I'd go there as well!
8. Bad habits I have -- I bite my nails and do it more when I am nervous. It is so gross, but I do it unconsciously, and that makes it so difficult to stop. I also tend to tune things out when they don't interest me.
9. Things I like to do -- Hang out with Hubby and Sebastian, read, cook, drink a glass of nice wine over a delicious dinner
10. Biggest joy of the moment -- Getting to see my parents this weekend for the first time in ages! I saw them for 1 day at my grandmother's funeral in August, but other than that, I don't think we've spent time together since March. They're going to see our house for the first time since it's been completed and meet Sebastian for the first time. PLUS when they leave on Sunday, Hubby won't be leaving out of town the next day!!! He'll be in town for at least one week -- the first time in eight weeks he won't be getting on a plane on Monday! I am thrilled beyond words. Thursday can't get here soon enough!
1. What were you doing 10 years ago? It was October 1997, and I was applying to colleges and going on trips across Texas to figure out where I wanted to be. I was also stressing over my ex-boyfriend (although, as I joke with Hubby, we never officially broke up, so technically ...) and wondering whether or not we should get back together. For the record, we didn't. I had just gotten my driver's license four months earlier and my own car one month earlier, and my braces had FINALLY come off on the same day I got my car. I thought I was the stuff!
2. What were you doing 5 years ago? October 2002 -- I was into my first semester of medical school and FREAKING OUT over anatomy. Yuck. I was also driving almost every weekend to be with a boy who turned out to be bad news. Between studying and driving to see the boy, I didn't have much time for anything else, and I was missing College Station very badly.
3. What were you doing 1 year ago? October 2006 -- I was finishing up my easiest month of intern year (clinic selective) and starting one of my harder months (night float). I was so exhausted and extremely stressed over residency and missing my hubby. I missed Houston so much it hurt! Funny how a place in which I felt so uncomfortable 4 years earlier seemed so much like home.
4. What did you do yesterday? I went to Surgery Clinic and learned about all sorts of surgical problems kids have. Some would gross out anybody non-medical, so I won't give any links. :) Then I went to one of the best stores in the world, Target, and came home to hang out with Sebastian.
5. Snacks I enjoy -- I get on kicks where I will eat certain things over and over and over until I get sick of them, and then I won't touch them for months. The latest passions? Red grapes, pineapple, grill cheese sandwiches, and a glass of milk with a cookie (although I don't eat all those at the same time)
6. Things I would do with $100 million dollars -- Automatic $10 million to my church as a tithe, then extra for missions both abroad and in my hometown. Pay off my student loans, our house, and my car. Take my family and Hubby's family on a trip. Find a family in need and buy Christmas toys for all their children. Save the rest and continue to live our life in a manner much like we live now. It would be nice to not have to pay off my loans and the house, but other than that, I don't think I would want to change much of how we live. God has blessed us with far more than we need.
7. Locations I would run to -- I'd love to go back to Maui with Hubby and take him to Italy and France for his first trip to Europe. We're talking about going to NYC for my first trip there during our vacation in the spring, so I would have to stay I'd go there as well!
8. Bad habits I have -- I bite my nails and do it more when I am nervous. It is so gross, but I do it unconsciously, and that makes it so difficult to stop. I also tend to tune things out when they don't interest me.
9. Things I like to do -- Hang out with Hubby and Sebastian, read, cook, drink a glass of nice wine over a delicious dinner
10. Biggest joy of the moment -- Getting to see my parents this weekend for the first time in ages! I saw them for 1 day at my grandmother's funeral in August, but other than that, I don't think we've spent time together since March. They're going to see our house for the first time since it's been completed and meet Sebastian for the first time. PLUS when they leave on Sunday, Hubby won't be leaving out of town the next day!!! He'll be in town for at least one week -- the first time in eight weeks he won't be getting on a plane on Monday! I am thrilled beyond words. Thursday can't get here soon enough!
Monday, October 08, 2007
A time of renewal
I've been having a pretty rough go at it for the last few months. My patients have been very sick, and I've been separated from my husband much more frequently than I would like. I haven't been "sick" per say, but I have been so much more tired than usual. I have been emotionally drained and haven't felt very "happy" in a while. This has not been an easy time for me.
This weekend was my church's ladies' retreat. I was initially very hesitant about going, but one of the girls from my Sunday School class invited me to stay in her room, so I decided it might be a good idea. I really had no idea what to expect, but I now can see that God was preparing this weekend for me.
Our pastor's mom spoke to us and discussed Romans 12:1-2. The theme of the retreat was "A Time of Renewal," and the Lord used the twenty-two hours I spent in Waxahachie to refresh my soul and meet me in my deepest places of need. He allowed me to deepen relationships with my sisters in Christ and to establish a few new friendships with ladies outside of the typical age range I usually hang out with. He gave me the ability to see my life in a new light and to remember the importance of joy even when trials arise. I was able to return to Dallas with a lighter burden than the one I had brought to the retreat.
The best moment of the retreat came after lunch on Saturday. The main conference room was opened up 30 minutes early to allow us quiet time to pray, read, or meditate on Him. I slipped into the room and curled up in my chair with my head resting on my Bible. As I wept and cried out to Him for myself, my family, my lost friends, my patients, and so many other things, He brought verses to my mind and whispered comfort to my soul. What a sweet and merciful Savior!
This weekend was my church's ladies' retreat. I was initially very hesitant about going, but one of the girls from my Sunday School class invited me to stay in her room, so I decided it might be a good idea. I really had no idea what to expect, but I now can see that God was preparing this weekend for me.
Our pastor's mom spoke to us and discussed Romans 12:1-2. The theme of the retreat was "A Time of Renewal," and the Lord used the twenty-two hours I spent in Waxahachie to refresh my soul and meet me in my deepest places of need. He allowed me to deepen relationships with my sisters in Christ and to establish a few new friendships with ladies outside of the typical age range I usually hang out with. He gave me the ability to see my life in a new light and to remember the importance of joy even when trials arise. I was able to return to Dallas with a lighter burden than the one I had brought to the retreat.
The best moment of the retreat came after lunch on Saturday. The main conference room was opened up 30 minutes early to allow us quiet time to pray, read, or meditate on Him. I slipped into the room and curled up in my chair with my head resting on my Bible. As I wept and cried out to Him for myself, my family, my lost friends, my patients, and so many other things, He brought verses to my mind and whispered comfort to my soul. What a sweet and merciful Savior!
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Ready to quit
About fourteen hours after my last post, I stood in another patient's room in the ER as an intern and I explained that their only child likely had cancer and needed to be admitted to the hospital for further tests. Yuck yuck yuck. I was so ready to quit by the end of the week. Four new diagnoses in less than a week ... YUCK. I love pediatrics, but I hate cancer.
I'm back on days. I think today is the first day that my body has remotely been adjusted to normal people hours. Sebastian is so happy to have someone at home with him during normal hours, and since I have not had anywhere to be for the last two afternoons, he and I have been spending some serious quality time together. He's been playing with his new puppy toys while I've been doing research for a presentation I'm giving in two weeks, and now we're both chilling out while Paula Deen teaches us how to make a sinfully delicious caramel apple cheesecake. Yum.
Hubby is still gone during the week. He's on his sixth week in a row out of town and has at least two more to go. Having him gone is horrible; this house is too big for just one person!
Time to get back to work ... I'm no closer to being done with this presentation than I was yesterday. The more research I do, the further I seem to get from finding an answer to my question. Time to press on!
I'm back on days. I think today is the first day that my body has remotely been adjusted to normal people hours. Sebastian is so happy to have someone at home with him during normal hours, and since I have not had anywhere to be for the last two afternoons, he and I have been spending some serious quality time together. He's been playing with his new puppy toys while I've been doing research for a presentation I'm giving in two weeks, and now we're both chilling out while Paula Deen teaches us how to make a sinfully delicious caramel apple cheesecake. Yum.
Hubby is still gone during the week. He's on his sixth week in a row out of town and has at least two more to go. Having him gone is horrible; this house is too big for just one person!
Time to get back to work ... I'm no closer to being done with this presentation than I was yesterday. The more research I do, the further I seem to get from finding an answer to my question. Time to press on!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Drained
About 3:45 AM today, I rubbed a mommy's back as she waited in the ER for her baby to move up to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU). This particular mommy had just gone home YESTERDAY afternoon (I signed the discharge order myself) after a several week stay in the hospital for cancer-related issues. 24 hours later, they were back since their precious one had a fever (and a very serious infection as the story and the labs are unfolding). I had met this mommy a few hours earlier as we were preparing to send her baby up to my floor, but while he was in the ER, he took a turn for the worse and needed a higher level of care than we can provide on the floor. I wanted to come see the little one as well as this sweet mommy since they will hopefully be returning to my floor after the badness subsides. My Spanish is meager; I'm much better at asking direct medical questions than carrying on a conversation, but since no one around spoke much better Spanish than I did, I figured something was better than nothing.
Her eyes were red as I tried to comfort her. I don't know how much she understood, but I hope I was able to let her know that she's not alone and that we are going to do everything we can do to care for her little one. This baby was so fussy because of many factors including a strange environment, blood draws, and the infection to name a few, but one look at mommy made things so much better. I wish I could have provided the same thing to her.
Btw, my sweet little patient from my last post went home yesterday. I'm so happy for her and for her family.
This month is so hard, and I am so drained. I haven't been taking care of myself, and I am really starting to feel it. Working 68+ hours per week and fighting your natural circadian rhythm can really wear you down.
Her eyes were red as I tried to comfort her. I don't know how much she understood, but I hope I was able to let her know that she's not alone and that we are going to do everything we can do to care for her little one. This baby was so fussy because of many factors including a strange environment, blood draws, and the infection to name a few, but one look at mommy made things so much better. I wish I could have provided the same thing to her.
Btw, my sweet little patient from my last post went home yesterday. I'm so happy for her and for her family.
This month is so hard, and I am so drained. I haven't been taking care of myself, and I am really starting to feel it. Working 68+ hours per week and fighting your natural circadian rhythm can really wear you down.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Brokenhearted
Late Wednesday night/ early Thursday morning, I helped deliver the news to three different families that each of their daughters has cancer. Each family's reaction was slightly different, but a common theme that ran through the night was one of shock and fear. Fear of pain, of death, of the unknown ... each family had so many questions. Two of the girls were old enough to understand what was going on, but the unassuming three year old and her family touched me the deepest.
As the fellow spoke and I nodded along, we explained to this family what the next few days held for certain and what the next few weeks and years possibly hold. Over the next several days, she would undergo several procedures and start a chemotherapy regimen after we completed an ID of the cancer cells. Late last night, I visited with the family as their little girl returned from her surgery and first dose of chemo. She was crying in pain from the procedure as well as from fear of the alien nasal cannula giving her the oxygen she needed. Her mom was cuddling her sweet little girl in her arms and trying her best to comfort her as her nurses hooked up her fluids and monitors. I explained to her parents why she needed the oxygen and then offered them the alternative to try a mask to give her the O2. They accepted my offer, knowing that this meant we had to remove two large adhesive patches from her cheeks. We have a solvent we use to help dissolve the glue, but it's still not a comfortable process.
My sweet patient continued to cry intermittently as her nurse removed the tape. Watching this process was difficult for me, so I can't imagine how hard it was for her parents. What almost made me cry was hearing her mom whisper to her, "Jesus will help you, my baby." Soon the tape was off, and I saw this little girl smile for the first time since I met her.
Ever since I walked out of the hospital this morning, this entire family has been on my heart. As I walked through Target this morning, I began to pray for them as I perused the aisles. My prayers later turned to myself as I asked God to use me as He will to support this family as much as I can.
For privacy reasons, I cannot disclose my patient's name, but if you read this, please pray for her and her family. God knows her name, and He is holding her in His hands.
As the fellow spoke and I nodded along, we explained to this family what the next few days held for certain and what the next few weeks and years possibly hold. Over the next several days, she would undergo several procedures and start a chemotherapy regimen after we completed an ID of the cancer cells. Late last night, I visited with the family as their little girl returned from her surgery and first dose of chemo. She was crying in pain from the procedure as well as from fear of the alien nasal cannula giving her the oxygen she needed. Her mom was cuddling her sweet little girl in her arms and trying her best to comfort her as her nurses hooked up her fluids and monitors. I explained to her parents why she needed the oxygen and then offered them the alternative to try a mask to give her the O2. They accepted my offer, knowing that this meant we had to remove two large adhesive patches from her cheeks. We have a solvent we use to help dissolve the glue, but it's still not a comfortable process.
My sweet patient continued to cry intermittently as her nurse removed the tape. Watching this process was difficult for me, so I can't imagine how hard it was for her parents. What almost made me cry was hearing her mom whisper to her, "Jesus will help you, my baby." Soon the tape was off, and I saw this little girl smile for the first time since I met her.
Ever since I walked out of the hospital this morning, this entire family has been on my heart. As I walked through Target this morning, I began to pray for them as I perused the aisles. My prayers later turned to myself as I asked God to use me as He will to support this family as much as I can.
For privacy reasons, I cannot disclose my patient's name, but if you read this, please pray for her and her family. God knows her name, and He is holding her in His hands.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Wow
What a night. I'm so glad I don't have to go back this evening! I seriously don't know how or why the hospital is so insane right now. I just need to sleep.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
My calling
I am so tired. These last two weeks have been crazy; we have been so busy at the hospital that we have filled all the beds for the past two nights, a feat usually reserved the busy winter season. I'm gone five nights a week, and when I'm home, I pretty much just want to sleep.
There are so many days where I wonder why God called me to this. I never had plans to become a doctor. I realized I was supposed to go to medical school only 3 months before the applications opened, but the signs were so clear that I couldn't ignore them. I had planned to do Med-Peds, but yet again God made it more than obvious to me that my place was with children only. Each time He has blessed me for following Him, but there are days when I wish He hadn't asked this of me. There are times when I am just so tired that I wish He'd asked me to do something with more normal hours or less pressure. Then there are times when the emotional burden is so heavy that I can't hold back the tears.
I know there is a purpose for me being here where I am now. I know I will never be a famous name, nor do I desire that. I just want to make a difference in my patients' lives. I want to reflect the love of Christ in everything I do. VERY early this morning I was called to mediate a conflict between a "difficult" mother and the rest of the floor team. I spent an hour and a half with this mom and her child, and I think all the woman really wanted was to be heard. I was able to convince her to let me treat her child appropriately, and I watched this woman cry as she divulged to me that she knew her sick child would not be with her forever and that she was just doing her best to take care of a very complicated, very sick girl. I truly could feel Christ's love pouring out of me on to her, and I was surprised at how much patience I felt during the situation.
I don't understand even half the details of my life right now. I am so confused about figuring out the "right" time for everything in my life, but in the end, I know it comes back to clinging to God the same way I have for every other major decision. He hasn't led me wrong yet!
In the meantime, I should probably get some sleep. Tonight is shaping up to be a doozy!
There are so many days where I wonder why God called me to this. I never had plans to become a doctor. I realized I was supposed to go to medical school only 3 months before the applications opened, but the signs were so clear that I couldn't ignore them. I had planned to do Med-Peds, but yet again God made it more than obvious to me that my place was with children only. Each time He has blessed me for following Him, but there are days when I wish He hadn't asked this of me. There are times when I am just so tired that I wish He'd asked me to do something with more normal hours or less pressure. Then there are times when the emotional burden is so heavy that I can't hold back the tears.
I know there is a purpose for me being here where I am now. I know I will never be a famous name, nor do I desire that. I just want to make a difference in my patients' lives. I want to reflect the love of Christ in everything I do. VERY early this morning I was called to mediate a conflict between a "difficult" mother and the rest of the floor team. I spent an hour and a half with this mom and her child, and I think all the woman really wanted was to be heard. I was able to convince her to let me treat her child appropriately, and I watched this woman cry as she divulged to me that she knew her sick child would not be with her forever and that she was just doing her best to take care of a very complicated, very sick girl. I truly could feel Christ's love pouring out of me on to her, and I was surprised at how much patience I felt during the situation.
I don't understand even half the details of my life right now. I am so confused about figuring out the "right" time for everything in my life, but in the end, I know it comes back to clinging to God the same way I have for every other major decision. He hasn't led me wrong yet!
In the meantime, I should probably get some sleep. Tonight is shaping up to be a doozy!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I love the night life ...
Starting tonight, I'm back to nights for the next four weeks. Sunday through Thursday nights, you can find me at the hospital from 7 PM til about 7:30 or 8 the next AM. Good times! I'll have Friday and Saturday night off, and for the last two of the four Sundays, I will be at the hospital at 1 PM instead of 7 PM.
The good news? I'm not the intern anymore. The bad news? I'm not the intern anymore. I won't be the all the dumb calls, but I will be the one getting all the serious calls. Scary but exciting!
The good news? I'm not the intern anymore. The bad news? I'm not the intern anymore. I won't be the all the dumb calls, but I will be the one getting all the serious calls. Scary but exciting!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Update on my little girl
A few weeks ago, I wrote about a patient of mine who is a mystery to me as well as multiple other doctors. Unfortunately, I'm thinking I may be getting closer to the answer, and I don't like what we're seeing. We thought we had found a possible diagnosis, but we didn't think she fit it too well since she was missing one big characteristic. My heart sank when I walked into her room in clinic this week, and I immediately observed her performing this missing piece. There is a gene test that can be performed to assist in confirming this diagnosis, but it is extremely expensive and not performed at our hospital, so we would have to draw her blood and then send it to another lab in another city. We couldn't order the test in good faith knowing that her parents would get the bill when they couldn't even afford a month of one of her medicines that is likely 10% of the cost of this one test, so until we can work out the financial aspects, we will just continue to treat her symptoms. The results of the test will not change how we manage her care, but I know these parents well, and I know in my heart that if I can provide them an answer to why this is happening to their precious baby girl, I need to do that. Right now they still blame her seizure medicines for all the changes that they have seen in her, but I have a dark suspicion that it is something far more than the medicine itself. If it is within my power to do so, I want to be able to give them something more than "I don't know" when they ask what her life holds. If my hunch is correct, there will still be so many times I will say "I don't know," but at least I will be able to provide them with examples of what has happened to other children in the past.
That said, I firmly believe that God works miracles. I have seen more than one child come back from something horrible in ways that no one expected. My own little sister should have died fourteen years ago when she developed a horrible pneumonia and an empyema that was missed for over a week while she was hospitalized. She spent a total of two weeks in the hospital including several days in the pediatric ICU, and the doctors there told my parents to prepare to lose their little girl. Instead, God performed a miracle, and my sister is now a healthy 22 year old college student! I can only pray that He will work a similar miracle in my patient's life. If He chooses not to do so, I know that He has a perfect plan, and I pray that He will provide comfort both to her family as they care for her and for me as I feel helpless to make it all better.
That said, I firmly believe that God works miracles. I have seen more than one child come back from something horrible in ways that no one expected. My own little sister should have died fourteen years ago when she developed a horrible pneumonia and an empyema that was missed for over a week while she was hospitalized. She spent a total of two weeks in the hospital including several days in the pediatric ICU, and the doctors there told my parents to prepare to lose their little girl. Instead, God performed a miracle, and my sister is now a healthy 22 year old college student! I can only pray that He will work a similar miracle in my patient's life. If He chooses not to do so, I know that He has a perfect plan, and I pray that He will provide comfort both to her family as they care for her and for me as I feel helpless to make it all better.
Ouch!
About seven weeks ago, I was in an accident where I was hit on the driver's side (my fault). Ever since then, my back has been hurting. It has actually been getting a little worse over the last two weeks. Hubby knows it's actually bothering me when I'm talking about going to see "a grown-up doctor" as I call them. In the meantime, I've been taking some advice from my dad (a grown-up doc) and trying several suggestions to alleviate the pain. One of them is so use capsaicin on my back, so last night we stopped at CVS to pick up a bottle. Dad had suggested I use the liquid because it is less messier than ointment and would be easier to apply when I'm at the hospital for the next few weeks (my month of night float starts Sunday -- whoo hoo!).
As we were getting ready for bed, I made sure I put my eye cream on before the capsaicin so that I wouldn't burn myself. Unfortunately I didn't realize how often I really touch my eyes because I inadvertently rubbed my upper eyelids 20 minutes later. Despite having washed my hands, I still had some residual on them. Ouch! It was quite warm!
As we were getting ready for bed, I made sure I put my eye cream on before the capsaicin so that I wouldn't burn myself. Unfortunately I didn't realize how often I really touch my eyes because I inadvertently rubbed my upper eyelids 20 minutes later. Despite having washed my hands, I still had some residual on them. Ouch! It was quite warm!
Monday, August 20, 2007
Puppy drama!
Oh my goodness, what a day! The day started off shortly after 5:45 with my hubby rolling out of bed. I lazily dragged myself out of bed a few minutes later and started getting ready. At 6:30, Hubby was loading up the car with his suitcases when I noticed that Sebastian had something in his mouth. I was able to see that it was one of my soft foam ear plugs ... right before he swallowed it. I immediately went into panic mode and let Hubby know what had happened. Of course this event didn't change the fact that his plane was leaving in an hour and a half, so he was forced to leave while I stayed with the puppy. Sebastian was acting pretty normally, but since he weighs less than 3 pounds, I wasn't sure if he could handle the ear plug in his gut.
I called his vet as soon as the office opened at 7. The girl answering the phone said that she thought he would be okay but to call back in an hour to talk to someone else. I called at 8, and the nurse I spoke with asked me to go ahead and bring him in. We arrived at the office at 9 and were seen around 9:45. The vet (not our normal vet but still great -- I love this office) told me that if Sebastian had been a Labrador, she wouldn't be worried about the ear plug, but since he was so little, she thought it would be best to induce vomiting in the hope of retrieving the ear plug. She anticipated that the process could take two to three hours, so I left him at the office and ran some errands. When I showed back up around 11:45, she told me that he hadn't thrown up the ear plug yet but that she wanted to give him another round of vomiting before giving up. She let me come behind the desk to the room where the pets were being treated, and my heart melted.
Sebastian was in a row of cages that looked like horizontal lockers with grates instead of doors at the front. He had a towel he was resting on, and I could see little puddles of white phlegm that he'd been throwing up. His little beard was all wet, and his little ears were pulled back. When he saw me, he slowly tiptoed over to the front of the cage and licked my fingers as I stuck them through the grate. The vet let me open his cage, and he slid into my arms. He quickly found his favorite spot, nestled up on my chest with his head tucked over my shoulder next to my neck; then he turned and started to lick my cheeks. He was so docile, and I could tell he felt horrible. As I talked to him, he cuddled into me as deeply as he could as if to say, "Mom, please make all this stop." The vet told me to take all the time I wanted with him, but I couldn't stay much longer because I started crying right there in the vet's office. I felt so silly; Sebastian is only a dog after all, so why was I crying?
I left and called Hubby immediately upon getting into the car. I broke into tears again as I related to him everything that had happened since we talked last. I also told him that I felt responsible since it was my ear plug that Sebastian had eaten. He reassured me that he didn't blame me for any of this and that I hadn't forced the ear plug down Sebastian's throat (I'm guessing it had fallen off the nightstand in the middle of the night, but I don't know for sure). I felt a little better after talking with him, but I still didn't feel great about leaving Sebastian behind without a good solution. At home, I scoured the entire ground floor, hoping against hope that I had just missed the ear plug and that he hadn't really swallowed it, but no such luck belonged to me!
I still hadn't heard from the vet, so I left to pick my puppy up around 2 PM. When I got there, she saw me coming in and brought him out to me. He still hadn't thrown up the ear plug, so she discussed the options with me, and together we decided that I would take him home to watch and see how he did. Armed with the number of an emergency vet nearby, I returned home with my sleepy Yorkie baby.
We got home, and I could tell he immediately felt better knowing that he was back in his own domain. I got him to eat about twelve bites of his puppy kibble (how do I know twelve? I counted!), and we went upstairs to watch TV. About five to ten minutes later, all of a sudden, I saw him start to make gagging motions. I swooped him up with my right hand, and with my best mommy-to-be-one-day motion, I used my left hand to catch his throw up. To my (great) surprise, along with his kibbles was an intact ear plug!
I am so thankful that this has all turned out okay. I was very nervous about leaving him alone even for a few hours for me to go to work tomorrow (luckily for me I am on a rotation where I could take today off as I wasn't essential to the team today), but now I feel much easier about going to work. He is curled up next to me on one of his favorite towels right now, and he looks comfortable for the first time since early this morning. I couldn't imagine a better ending to this day!
I called his vet as soon as the office opened at 7. The girl answering the phone said that she thought he would be okay but to call back in an hour to talk to someone else. I called at 8, and the nurse I spoke with asked me to go ahead and bring him in. We arrived at the office at 9 and were seen around 9:45. The vet (not our normal vet but still great -- I love this office) told me that if Sebastian had been a Labrador, she wouldn't be worried about the ear plug, but since he was so little, she thought it would be best to induce vomiting in the hope of retrieving the ear plug. She anticipated that the process could take two to three hours, so I left him at the office and ran some errands. When I showed back up around 11:45, she told me that he hadn't thrown up the ear plug yet but that she wanted to give him another round of vomiting before giving up. She let me come behind the desk to the room where the pets were being treated, and my heart melted.
Sebastian was in a row of cages that looked like horizontal lockers with grates instead of doors at the front. He had a towel he was resting on, and I could see little puddles of white phlegm that he'd been throwing up. His little beard was all wet, and his little ears were pulled back. When he saw me, he slowly tiptoed over to the front of the cage and licked my fingers as I stuck them through the grate. The vet let me open his cage, and he slid into my arms. He quickly found his favorite spot, nestled up on my chest with his head tucked over my shoulder next to my neck; then he turned and started to lick my cheeks. He was so docile, and I could tell he felt horrible. As I talked to him, he cuddled into me as deeply as he could as if to say, "Mom, please make all this stop." The vet told me to take all the time I wanted with him, but I couldn't stay much longer because I started crying right there in the vet's office. I felt so silly; Sebastian is only a dog after all, so why was I crying?
I left and called Hubby immediately upon getting into the car. I broke into tears again as I related to him everything that had happened since we talked last. I also told him that I felt responsible since it was my ear plug that Sebastian had eaten. He reassured me that he didn't blame me for any of this and that I hadn't forced the ear plug down Sebastian's throat (I'm guessing it had fallen off the nightstand in the middle of the night, but I don't know for sure). I felt a little better after talking with him, but I still didn't feel great about leaving Sebastian behind without a good solution. At home, I scoured the entire ground floor, hoping against hope that I had just missed the ear plug and that he hadn't really swallowed it, but no such luck belonged to me!
I still hadn't heard from the vet, so I left to pick my puppy up around 2 PM. When I got there, she saw me coming in and brought him out to me. He still hadn't thrown up the ear plug, so she discussed the options with me, and together we decided that I would take him home to watch and see how he did. Armed with the number of an emergency vet nearby, I returned home with my sleepy Yorkie baby.
We got home, and I could tell he immediately felt better knowing that he was back in his own domain. I got him to eat about twelve bites of his puppy kibble (how do I know twelve? I counted!), and we went upstairs to watch TV. About five to ten minutes later, all of a sudden, I saw him start to make gagging motions. I swooped him up with my right hand, and with my best mommy-to-be-one-day motion, I used my left hand to catch his throw up. To my (great) surprise, along with his kibbles was an intact ear plug!
I am so thankful that this has all turned out okay. I was very nervous about leaving him alone even for a few hours for me to go to work tomorrow (luckily for me I am on a rotation where I could take today off as I wasn't essential to the team today), but now I feel much easier about going to work. He is curled up next to me on one of his favorite towels right now, and he looks comfortable for the first time since early this morning. I couldn't imagine a better ending to this day!
Monday, August 06, 2007
Goodbye
We buried my grandmother today. Today was horribly difficult and draining, but it was healing as well. I felt God removing my anger and was able to realize that despite her flaws, my grandmother still really loved me. I'm looking forward to seeing her in Heaven; until then, I want to make sure that my sweet grandfather is surrounded by love even if we're not physically there to show him how much he means to us.
My dad preached the funeral today. I forget how beautifully he speaks sometimes, and his words today moved me to tears. Throughout his speech, he spelled out the plan of salvation and the story of Christ's sacrifice and love for us. He quoted I Thes 4:13-18 -- "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words." And he did.
My dad preached the funeral today. I forget how beautifully he speaks sometimes, and his words today moved me to tears. Throughout his speech, he spelled out the plan of salvation and the story of Christ's sacrifice and love for us. He quoted I Thes 4:13-18 -- "But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words." And he did.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
I have no idea
I have a patient right now that is such a mystery to me. No one has figured out what's wrong with her yet, but I'm determined to try. I met her for the first time in April, and I saw her yesterday in clinic for the first time in two months. Seeing how much she has changed for the worse in two months blew me away. I am still bothered by the tears her mom cried when I told her I believed that her daughter needed to come back into the hospital again so that we could provide her with a higher level of care than she could get at home. I've been so frustrated by my inability to figure out what she has despite several hours pouring over the literature and resources available to me. I may not find the answer immediately, but I'm not going to give up. She is my patient, and I'm going to be her advocate.
Last night my hubby and I prayed for her and for her family. I don't know how God will answer our prayer, but I know that He is faithful.
Last night my hubby and I prayed for her and for her family. I don't know how God will answer our prayer, but I know that He is faithful.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Heartbroken
My grandmother is dying. She has Alzheimer's among several other diseases, and after having her health slowly decline over the last five years, she has recently progressed to sleeping almost 24 hours a day and is barely eating or drinking. She was placed in hospice care over the weekend, and every time my phone rings or I find an email in my inbox, I'm expecting to get the news that she has passed.
My grandmother and I have had a horrible relationship; she verbally and emotionally abused me almost daily as a child for over 4 years. When my parents found out what was happening, they took me out of daily contact with her, and I don't think she has ever forgiven me for that. I wasn't able to really talk about what had happened with my mom until college five years later, and I couldn't even truly talk to my dad about it until my second year of medical school almost ten years after it all ended. After all, it was his mother, and I felt that if I told him the truth of what had happened, I'd be forcing him to choose between his mother and his child. I finally realized one day that he had already made that choice long ago and that as my daddy, he will always be on my side and be my protector when he can. I have continued to see my grandmother over the years, and with God's help, I have been able to forgive her. I can now look at her with pity, realizing what a rough life she had and what led her to the life she lived. I don't condone how she treated me or other family members, but I am able to understand and to forgive as I have been forgiven.
I tried so hard to be anything but her, but I became scared when I observed some of the negative traits she carried coming to life in me. I used to be extremely demanding, informing family, friends, boyfriends, and anyone around me how things had to be done the right way, my way. I would get mad and blow up at people for little things that didn't deserve such a reaction. I tried so hard to be anything but her that I was becoming the very thing I hated. I cried countless tears over the years as I faced up to my shortcomings and to my past, and with God's help, I faced the problems head-on and let go of so many of the painful pieces of my past. I don't know if I will ever be totally free of what happened as certain things still bring an ache when they come to mind, but I am free of my chains of captivity. My family tells me that I am a completely changed woman compared to six years ago, so having the ones who know me the best confirm the work that He has done in my heart makes the journey worthwhile.
My grandmother professes Christ. I truly do believe that she is saved, and I look forward to seeing her again one day, whole and healed from the bodily afflictions she's now enduring. I used to think that when she died, I wouldn't cry, that all my tears would have already been shed. Getting the email on Monday that she had been placed into hospice care showed me just how wrong I was; I sobbed as soon as I finished reading it. I know that it was just one more small sign that God is still working in me.
My heart is so heavy now. I weep for my grandmother and all the pain she endured in her life -- losing her father at age 3 to appendicitis, likely abuse at the hands of her relatives as she was passed around the family since her mom couldn't care for her, losing her firstborn daughter to mumps at age 4 ... the list goes on. I ache for my grandfather; he has spent over 60 years of his life with her, so will he be able to live now without her? I ache for my father and his siblings; imperfect as she is, she is still their only mom. I ache for myself; I never truly expected to have a conversation with her about why things happened the way they did, but I feel that there is a piece of our story that won't be complete until the next life when God will have wiped away all tears and none of this will matter anymore.
I will soon likely be making my first trip back to Houston since moving up here for residency over a year ago. I wish it weren't under these circumstances. My husband has been out of town since Monday morning, but I think the tone of my voice told him today just how much I am struggling right now and how much I need him here because he changed his flight to come back Thursday instead of Friday. I am glad that my feelings are those of sadness and love rather than of anger and hatred. God truly can work miracles.
My grandmother and I have had a horrible relationship; she verbally and emotionally abused me almost daily as a child for over 4 years. When my parents found out what was happening, they took me out of daily contact with her, and I don't think she has ever forgiven me for that. I wasn't able to really talk about what had happened with my mom until college five years later, and I couldn't even truly talk to my dad about it until my second year of medical school almost ten years after it all ended. After all, it was his mother, and I felt that if I told him the truth of what had happened, I'd be forcing him to choose between his mother and his child. I finally realized one day that he had already made that choice long ago and that as my daddy, he will always be on my side and be my protector when he can. I have continued to see my grandmother over the years, and with God's help, I have been able to forgive her. I can now look at her with pity, realizing what a rough life she had and what led her to the life she lived. I don't condone how she treated me or other family members, but I am able to understand and to forgive as I have been forgiven.
I tried so hard to be anything but her, but I became scared when I observed some of the negative traits she carried coming to life in me. I used to be extremely demanding, informing family, friends, boyfriends, and anyone around me how things had to be done the right way, my way. I would get mad and blow up at people for little things that didn't deserve such a reaction. I tried so hard to be anything but her that I was becoming the very thing I hated. I cried countless tears over the years as I faced up to my shortcomings and to my past, and with God's help, I faced the problems head-on and let go of so many of the painful pieces of my past. I don't know if I will ever be totally free of what happened as certain things still bring an ache when they come to mind, but I am free of my chains of captivity. My family tells me that I am a completely changed woman compared to six years ago, so having the ones who know me the best confirm the work that He has done in my heart makes the journey worthwhile.
My grandmother professes Christ. I truly do believe that she is saved, and I look forward to seeing her again one day, whole and healed from the bodily afflictions she's now enduring. I used to think that when she died, I wouldn't cry, that all my tears would have already been shed. Getting the email on Monday that she had been placed into hospice care showed me just how wrong I was; I sobbed as soon as I finished reading it. I know that it was just one more small sign that God is still working in me.
My heart is so heavy now. I weep for my grandmother and all the pain she endured in her life -- losing her father at age 3 to appendicitis, likely abuse at the hands of her relatives as she was passed around the family since her mom couldn't care for her, losing her firstborn daughter to mumps at age 4 ... the list goes on. I ache for my grandfather; he has spent over 60 years of his life with her, so will he be able to live now without her? I ache for my father and his siblings; imperfect as she is, she is still their only mom. I ache for myself; I never truly expected to have a conversation with her about why things happened the way they did, but I feel that there is a piece of our story that won't be complete until the next life when God will have wiped away all tears and none of this will matter anymore.
I will soon likely be making my first trip back to Houston since moving up here for residency over a year ago. I wish it weren't under these circumstances. My husband has been out of town since Monday morning, but I think the tone of my voice told him today just how much I am struggling right now and how much I need him here because he changed his flight to come back Thursday instead of Friday. I am glad that my feelings are those of sadness and love rather than of anger and hatred. God truly can work miracles.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Job title
Add dog groomer to my resume. Yesterday evening I was pulling grass out of the flower beds, and Sebastian was keeping me company. Being his usual inquisitive self, he wandered over to our neighbor's wilderness of a front yard when all of a sudden I heard him scream. He's typically a very quiet dog and usually doesn't even bark, but the only thing I can compare the noise he made to is a loud puppy scream. I called him over, and he continued to yelp the 10 seconds it took to get him to me. When he reached me, I saw that he was covered in little cockle burrs (those dry little sticker things that HURT). I tried to pick him up, but I couldn't find a single position in which to hold him that didn't cause him pain. I ran inside the house (carrying him as he continued to scream) to get scissors. I took him back outside, and after about 3 or 4 minutes, he finally calmed down enough to let me pull the burrs out. I spent over 30 minutes on the front porch, gingerly picking out the ones I could and cutting out the ones that were too tangled up in his fur. I lost count after 30. Extracting the burrs was one of the hardest jobs I think I've ever done because he would cry and look at me with his big brown eyes whenever I would get to one that hurt too much. When all was said and done, he was missing a few large chunks of fur, but at least he was free to walk around without yelping in pain.
After this incident, I stopped at Target this afternoon to purchase a dog grooming kit. The main piece looks quite similar to a man's beard trimmer. I'd never used a trimmer before, so it took a few minutes of experimenting to get it right, but now the little guy's coat is shorter and hopefully less prone to attracting painful objects of nature. My mom told me she almost cried the first time my brother got a haircut and lost his beautiful blond curls, and I have to admit that I felt a little twinge of sadness as I gave Sebastian his trim. His little black coat is starting to turn into a mature silver coat, and the trim made it more obvious today. My little guy is growing up! Don't worry; I didn't save any of the trimmed fur (I haven't gone totally crazy yet).
After this incident, I stopped at Target this afternoon to purchase a dog grooming kit. The main piece looks quite similar to a man's beard trimmer. I'd never used a trimmer before, so it took a few minutes of experimenting to get it right, but now the little guy's coat is shorter and hopefully less prone to attracting painful objects of nature. My mom told me she almost cried the first time my brother got a haircut and lost his beautiful blond curls, and I have to admit that I felt a little twinge of sadness as I gave Sebastian his trim. His little black coat is starting to turn into a mature silver coat, and the trim made it more obvious today. My little guy is growing up! Don't worry; I didn't save any of the trimmed fur (I haven't gone totally crazy yet).
Monday, July 09, 2007
Contemplative
Today I took our yearly in-training exam that we'll take 3 times throughout residency as prep for our real Pediatrics boards that we take the fall after we finish. 170 questions in, I had enough and lost my drive to keep going (for the record, I did answer all 200 questions). I just wanted to finish and go home! I had good intentions of making a Target run since I was near my favorite Target, but that test sucked all the life out of me, so I *gasp* skipped Target and headed home. After giving my sweet puppy kisses and taking him outside, I immediately headed for the kitchen and whipped up my casserole version of my mom's chicken enchiladas. I made a sour cream-Monterrey Jack cheese sauce from scratch, grilled some chicken breasts that I then shredded, caramelized 2 chopped Vidalia onions, and sliced up some flour tortillas. Then I mixed everything together with the remainder of the MJ cheese and baked in a casserole dish for about 30 minutes. With a side of refried black beans, the meal was perfect, and cooking for over an hour at my own pace without any pressure was amazingly therapeutic.
I'm struggling right now. Hubby's job has taken him out of town for 5 weeks in a row again. He gets the weekends back here, but this is the longest stretch we've done with him being gone for a while. I have Sebastian here to keep me company, but obviously it's not the same. I'm such a quality time person that being apart just hurts. I saw him this morning, but coming home and knowing that it would be dinner for 1 was a sad moment.
On the bright side, the cutest dog ever is staring at me right now ... think he wants to go play outside for a little bit before it gets dark. This Yorkie thinks that he's a Labrador! Seeing him approach other dogs is hilarious because he doesn't realize how small he is. He is a truly wonderful addition to our little family (and a perfect reminder of why I'm not ready to be a mom yet!).
I'm struggling right now. Hubby's job has taken him out of town for 5 weeks in a row again. He gets the weekends back here, but this is the longest stretch we've done with him being gone for a while. I have Sebastian here to keep me company, but obviously it's not the same. I'm such a quality time person that being apart just hurts. I saw him this morning, but coming home and knowing that it would be dinner for 1 was a sad moment.
On the bright side, the cutest dog ever is staring at me right now ... think he wants to go play outside for a little bit before it gets dark. This Yorkie thinks that he's a Labrador! Seeing him approach other dogs is hilarious because he doesn't realize how small he is. He is a truly wonderful addition to our little family (and a perfect reminder of why I'm not ready to be a mom yet!).
Friday, July 06, 2007
No More Driving
This has been by far not my best week ever in the driving realm. On Tuesday I managed to get myself broad-sided by a woman who called me a "f---in' b----" several times even after I apologized for pulling out in front of her. C'mon, it's not like I meant to cause the accident!! I think the police officer actually felt sorry for me because he didn't give me a ticket or anything (which I am very thankful for), but I still feel really horrible about the whole thing. My neck and back are still pretty sore, but they're getting a little better every day. I'm just thankful nobody was seriously injured. Her car was pretty messed up and required a tow (she wouldn't attempt to start it because she was afraid of messing up the engine -- the cop just rolled his eyes at me when that happened), but the trusty old 4Runner is still plodding along with not much more than a bent-up running board an some minor damage to the doors. This baby is a gas-guzzling tank!
I'm spending this block doing a developmental pediatrics rotation at an outside facility, so I usually arrive there between 7 and 8:30 AM, return to my main hospital 15 minutes away for our noon conferences, and then return to the other facility for an afternoon clinic before heading home. Today when I arrived to the hospital for noon conference, I made a special point of putting my keys into my purse so that I wouldn't forget them. I then promptly locked my purse in the car! Our security offered me a coat hanger but nothing else. The locksmith that services the hospital would have unlocked my car for approximately $40 cash only (which I typically don't carry -- I think I only have about $20 or $25 in there right now, and I'm lucky to have that), and all the other places I called would be happy to open my car for the low starting fees of $50 - $75 plus labor in some cases. Being the tight-fisted woman that I am (plus the fact that our electricity bill was through the roof), I knew my hubby was scheduled to be back in Dallas at 5:45 from his jaunt to Houston, so I opted to wait for him to bring me the extra key. Unfortunately thanks to the continued bad weather, his flight has been delayed. I finished my work around 3:30, so I've just been hanging out at the hospital since then. I managed to get in some studying, so that was a positive, but my mind has now officially gone blank. Any further studying is useless at this point, so I'm now just killing time. The website has his plane scheduled to arrive at 6:29, so I figure that he might make it here by 7:15 or so.
In other news, Sebastian is cuter than ever. He is still a handful, but we love him. He's getting better at learning to potty outside but still has occasional accidents. It's been a real challenge to help him want to go outside when it's pouring buckets, but he's getting better. We've had up to 5.5" inches of rain in a single day here, and I've lost count of the cumulative total for June. Today has been drier (at least the hospital), so maybe we'll have a chance to work on the flowerbeds soon. Sebastian is fascinated with the large pieces of bark in the mulch and has taken to running around the yard with bark in his mouth to entertain us.
Did I mention that intern year is over? Life has been pretty swell ever since I danced my way out of the hospital the afternoon of June 23rd. I had eight days in a row off, and we were visited both by my hubby's mom and by my younger sister during our week off. We got the house closer to being unpacked and organized, and we went on my birthday shopping spree with my mom-in-law. During her 2 1/2 days with us, she bought me 2 pairs of Gap jeans and 1 pair of khaki capris, a wrap dress from Ann Taylor Loft (it pains me how much cheaper this dress is now even if I didn't pay for it myself), 2 adorable shirts from Ann Taylor (I can only find one online), a personal bra fitting at Nordstrom with 2 very cute bras (I had no idea what my true size was!), one of the best smelling candles ever, a fun pair of red Nine West shoes, a cute yet practical pair of brown pumps from Dillards, more Fiestaware, and Godiva truffles among other things I'm sure I forgot to name. She also bought the hubby several nice dress shirts, so I wasn't the only one to be spoiled. :) I seriously had never had anyone take me out and say "have fun!" so this was a very new experience. I had to receive encouragement from them throughout the course of the day that I was not being excessive; in fact, my MIL had to steer me away from just the sale racks so that I would open my eyes to other things. We had a great time with her and look forward to seeing her again soon.
To have one of our family members finally at our new house was so cool. We got another treat later in the week when my younger sister came up to visit for a few days. Having room to host guests without stepping on each other every time we move is great!
Well, the hubby just called ... it's 6:45, and he's on his way to get me. Looks like I better get things wrapped up soon so that we can head home! I know Sebastian will be very happy to see us, and I'll be happy not to see the hospital all weekend! :)
I'm spending this block doing a developmental pediatrics rotation at an outside facility, so I usually arrive there between 7 and 8:30 AM, return to my main hospital 15 minutes away for our noon conferences, and then return to the other facility for an afternoon clinic before heading home. Today when I arrived to the hospital for noon conference, I made a special point of putting my keys into my purse so that I wouldn't forget them. I then promptly locked my purse in the car! Our security offered me a coat hanger but nothing else. The locksmith that services the hospital would have unlocked my car for approximately $40 cash only (which I typically don't carry -- I think I only have about $20 or $25 in there right now, and I'm lucky to have that), and all the other places I called would be happy to open my car for the low starting fees of $50 - $75 plus labor in some cases. Being the tight-fisted woman that I am (plus the fact that our electricity bill was through the roof), I knew my hubby was scheduled to be back in Dallas at 5:45 from his jaunt to Houston, so I opted to wait for him to bring me the extra key. Unfortunately thanks to the continued bad weather, his flight has been delayed. I finished my work around 3:30, so I've just been hanging out at the hospital since then. I managed to get in some studying, so that was a positive, but my mind has now officially gone blank. Any further studying is useless at this point, so I'm now just killing time. The website has his plane scheduled to arrive at 6:29, so I figure that he might make it here by 7:15 or so.
In other news, Sebastian is cuter than ever. He is still a handful, but we love him. He's getting better at learning to potty outside but still has occasional accidents. It's been a real challenge to help him want to go outside when it's pouring buckets, but he's getting better. We've had up to 5.5" inches of rain in a single day here, and I've lost count of the cumulative total for June. Today has been drier (at least the hospital), so maybe we'll have a chance to work on the flowerbeds soon. Sebastian is fascinated with the large pieces of bark in the mulch and has taken to running around the yard with bark in his mouth to entertain us.
Did I mention that intern year is over? Life has been pretty swell ever since I danced my way out of the hospital the afternoon of June 23rd. I had eight days in a row off, and we were visited both by my hubby's mom and by my younger sister during our week off. We got the house closer to being unpacked and organized, and we went on my birthday shopping spree with my mom-in-law. During her 2 1/2 days with us, she bought me 2 pairs of Gap jeans and 1 pair of khaki capris, a wrap dress from Ann Taylor Loft (it pains me how much cheaper this dress is now even if I didn't pay for it myself), 2 adorable shirts from Ann Taylor (I can only find one online), a personal bra fitting at Nordstrom with 2 very cute bras (I had no idea what my true size was!), one of the best smelling candles ever, a fun pair of red Nine West shoes, a cute yet practical pair of brown pumps from Dillards, more Fiestaware, and Godiva truffles among other things I'm sure I forgot to name. She also bought the hubby several nice dress shirts, so I wasn't the only one to be spoiled. :) I seriously had never had anyone take me out and say "have fun!" so this was a very new experience. I had to receive encouragement from them throughout the course of the day that I was not being excessive; in fact, my MIL had to steer me away from just the sale racks so that I would open my eyes to other things. We had a great time with her and look forward to seeing her again soon.
To have one of our family members finally at our new house was so cool. We got another treat later in the week when my younger sister came up to visit for a few days. Having room to host guests without stepping on each other every time we move is great!
Well, the hubby just called ... it's 6:45, and he's on his way to get me. Looks like I better get things wrapped up soon so that we can head home! I know Sebastian will be very happy to see us, and I'll be happy not to see the hospital all weekend! :)
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Surprise!!
I wrote the last entry half asleep ... I should have had some caffeine before I blogged. That entry was extremely disjointed.
In other news, we got an extremely pleasant surprise today -- Sebastian got to come home. We are both enamored with him.
In other news, we got an extremely pleasant surprise today -- Sebastian got to come home. We are both enamored with him.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Happy birthday to me!
I am officially exhausted. Yesterday was my birthday, and what was the best present I got? Ten and a half hours of sleep! I was in bed before ten and didn't get up til after eight (my first day off in twelve days). It was amazing.
In addition to the sleep, I also had some nice and one not-so-nice surprises. I got an awesome haircut on Thursday (nice!), but as I was leaving the salon, I found out that Sebastian has yet another cough and won't get to come home this weekend (not-so-nice). Friday I went to work knowing that I would have to stay later than usual to cover for someone til she got back from clinic to be on call, so I was prepared for a long, busy day.
One of my big pet peeves from work is when people page me with just a call back number. We carry text pagers, so why not make use of the 120 characters you have to give me a heads up on what you want instead of typing in just 4 numbers? Even worse, I got paged about 30 minutes into rounds when I was meeting with the other doctors including my boss to discuss all of our patients; I hate leaving rounds to return pages because I tend to miss out on something important that's being discussed. I called the number back only to rind out that my sweetie had ordered a dozen roses to be delivered to my hospital as a birthday surprise. Doh! What a great surprise! Then the girl I was covering got back to the floor around 4:45 when I hadn't expected her to arrive until 6 or so -- I got to leave earlier than I thought!!
After I got home, I got to open my presents from my parents. They are in Sweden right now, so my mom shipped my presents right before they left so that they would arrive on my birthday -- so thoughtful! I love to open presents ... no idea why it's so exciting, but it's one of my favorite parts of Christmas or birthdays (watching other people open theirs is actually even more exciting!). I ended the day with a delicious dinner of sushi (mmmmm, tuna sashimi and firecracker rolls) followed by me crashing as soon as we got home. My sweet husband just laughed because he knew how tired I was.
Now the hubby is off taking some exam for work, so I slept in and am now spending the morning lounging around and watching the Food Network. I'm unsure when he will be done, so until then, it's lazy Saturday for Sarah. After he gets back, I want to grab some food, run errands, and hopefully go see Shrek the Third either tonight or tomorrow after church. Oh yeah, church! Another exciting part of the weekend, I actually get to attend church twice in one month. That's a rare blessing with my schedule, so I'm really looking forward to being back.
In addition to the sleep, I also had some nice and one not-so-nice surprises. I got an awesome haircut on Thursday (nice!), but as I was leaving the salon, I found out that Sebastian has yet another cough and won't get to come home this weekend (not-so-nice). Friday I went to work knowing that I would have to stay later than usual to cover for someone til she got back from clinic to be on call, so I was prepared for a long, busy day.
One of my big pet peeves from work is when people page me with just a call back number. We carry text pagers, so why not make use of the 120 characters you have to give me a heads up on what you want instead of typing in just 4 numbers? Even worse, I got paged about 30 minutes into rounds when I was meeting with the other doctors including my boss to discuss all of our patients; I hate leaving rounds to return pages because I tend to miss out on something important that's being discussed. I called the number back only to rind out that my sweetie had ordered a dozen roses to be delivered to my hospital as a birthday surprise. Doh! What a great surprise! Then the girl I was covering got back to the floor around 4:45 when I hadn't expected her to arrive until 6 or so -- I got to leave earlier than I thought!!
After I got home, I got to open my presents from my parents. They are in Sweden right now, so my mom shipped my presents right before they left so that they would arrive on my birthday -- so thoughtful! I love to open presents ... no idea why it's so exciting, but it's one of my favorite parts of Christmas or birthdays (watching other people open theirs is actually even more exciting!). I ended the day with a delicious dinner of sushi (mmmmm, tuna sashimi and firecracker rolls) followed by me crashing as soon as we got home. My sweet husband just laughed because he knew how tired I was.
Now the hubby is off taking some exam for work, so I slept in and am now spending the morning lounging around and watching the Food Network. I'm unsure when he will be done, so until then, it's lazy Saturday for Sarah. After he gets back, I want to grab some food, run errands, and hopefully go see Shrek the Third either tonight or tomorrow after church. Oh yeah, church! Another exciting part of the weekend, I actually get to attend church twice in one month. That's a rare blessing with my schedule, so I'm really looking forward to being back.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Sad news
Sad news ... Sebastian caught a little puppy cold, so we didn't get to pick him up this weekend. I didn't realize how much i wanted him until I couldn't get him. It's going to be a long five days ... no Scott, no Sebastian, and I have to work late on my birthday on Friday. Can't wait for Saturday to get here! Scott will be back, he'll be done with his test by Saturday afternoon, and we can go pick up our little man. :)
Friday, May 25, 2007
Hold your nose!
I stink. I really do. People keep telling me that I'm the only one who can smell it, but I'm sure they've caught a whiff of it too. I spent the night in the hospital and haven't had a shower ... well, in a while. I've been here 29.75 hours, so it's been at least longer than that.
Why am I sitting here blogging when I stink? I'm waiting on a surgeon to call me back to talk about a patient he's covering. This one in particular is notorious for eating residents for breakfast, but at this point, I am too tired to care. If he doesn't call back soon, then I will just check it out to the night float. I need a shower, a meal, and a nap.
Why am I sitting here blogging when I stink? I'm waiting on a surgeon to call me back to talk about a patient he's covering. This one in particular is notorious for eating residents for breakfast, but at this point, I am too tired to care. If he doesn't call back soon, then I will just check it out to the night float. I need a shower, a meal, and a nap.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Feed me!
It's 11:55, and it's almost time for our daily noon conference. It's also almost time for the free lunch they use to get us to come to noon conference. I am starving! Yesterday I could barely eat, and today I am ravenous. It puts me in the mood to go home and use my double oven again! I love the new house.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Baby fever!
Two of our good friends are coming to visit this weekend. We get to babysit their 4 1/2 month old little guy for the evening while they attend a wedding. I can't wait!! I'm so excited. I get to take care of sick little guys all day at work, so it'll be fun to play with a healthy one.
No, I don't have baby fever of my own yet, just puppy fever.
No, I don't have baby fever of my own yet, just puppy fever.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Change of heart
I need a better attitude; I know this. I am getting really tired of being an intern. An intern is (rightfully so) the nurse's first contact when anything goes amiss (or potentially amiss) with a patient. High blood pressure? Call the intern. Mom wants an update at 2 AM? Call the intern. Need an order for diaper cream? Call the intern. Somebody else messed up the discharge papers and the patient is going home? You guessed it ... call the intern. The med students look to us with all sorts of probing questions such as, "What are the 50 top causes of a low hemoglobin? Can we discuss them in then 10 minutes before rounds since you must know all of them by heart?" (They mean well; they just forget that we're only 2 years ahead of them and still need to look things up too!) Medical Records loves us when we get behind on our dictations or have 50 charts with orders that need to be signed, so occasionally we have to get lovely reminder emails to take a trip to their office.
Being an intern isn't ALL bad. There are some really great things about it, but it still is physically and mentally exhausting in a completely different way from medical school. When I was in med school, I studied subjects regardless of whether I was interested in them because my grade depended on it. Now it's for my own personal edification (and eventually the care of my patients) that I need to read and learn how to be a good doctor.
I don't like the attitude that I have seen develop in me. I'm tired of being the one who gets called for things, knows what to do, and still has to check in with someone. I am tired of having to deal with the nit-picky details of things that aren't necessarily my fault but still need to be taken care of. I've been back on service for 2 weeks, and the floor I'm on is run slightly differently from previous floors, so it can be frustrating at times trying to figure out a new system this far into my year. I've pretty much felt physically tired for the last 2 weeks adjusting to being back on call. I recognize that I need to stop making that internal groan every time my pager goes off and when I get a page (even if it's unnecessary at 3 AM), I need to smile and thank the person who paged me.
My team is great and I love working with them, so that has made this month a little better than I expected. I have this Saturday off, and our new dining room furniture and couches are supposed to arrive! I can't wait. We're going to hang up our framed pictures, something that I know will make the house feel more like a home. We may even make a run to one of the best stores ever, Home Depot, for ceiling fans and chicken wire (which we have to put at the bottom of the fence before Sebastian gets here). Just two more days of waking up early before I can sleep in past six!! :)
Being an intern isn't ALL bad. There are some really great things about it, but it still is physically and mentally exhausting in a completely different way from medical school. When I was in med school, I studied subjects regardless of whether I was interested in them because my grade depended on it. Now it's for my own personal edification (and eventually the care of my patients) that I need to read and learn how to be a good doctor.
I don't like the attitude that I have seen develop in me. I'm tired of being the one who gets called for things, knows what to do, and still has to check in with someone. I am tired of having to deal with the nit-picky details of things that aren't necessarily my fault but still need to be taken care of. I've been back on service for 2 weeks, and the floor I'm on is run slightly differently from previous floors, so it can be frustrating at times trying to figure out a new system this far into my year. I've pretty much felt physically tired for the last 2 weeks adjusting to being back on call. I recognize that I need to stop making that internal groan every time my pager goes off and when I get a page (even if it's unnecessary at 3 AM), I need to smile and thank the person who paged me.
My team is great and I love working with them, so that has made this month a little better than I expected. I have this Saturday off, and our new dining room furniture and couches are supposed to arrive! I can't wait. We're going to hang up our framed pictures, something that I know will make the house feel more like a home. We may even make a run to one of the best stores ever, Home Depot, for ceiling fans and chicken wire (which we have to put at the bottom of the fence before Sebastian gets here). Just two more days of waking up early before I can sleep in past six!! :)
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
I forgot
I haven't taken call in almost 2 months. I forgot how tired it makes me. I'm sitting up again waiting on a chest x-ray (or CXR) to come back so that I can make a decision on a patient and then go lie down. Of course, as soon as I lie down, it'll be time for me to get up to do an admission, so I don't know what's worse: getting up after a short rest/possible nap or not lying down at all? Questions I ponder at 1 AM ...
The hubby is out of town this week. It's the first time I've slept alone in a house (not an apartment or condo) since I was in college. It's WEIRD!! There's something wrong with our plumbing system right now, so the toilets randomly gurgle, and I can occasionally hear water in the pipes near the laundry room. Those noises don't normally bother me, but they have caught me off guard when I'm expecting silence in the house. I feel relatively safe, but since I haven't done it in so long, I asked the hubby to get me the phone numbers of our pastor and music pastor since they each live 1/2 a mile away from us. I need male back-up in case something happens!
Whoo hoo ... x-ray is finally back. All is well. Think I'll go lie down ... 10 minutes is better than nothing!
The hubby is out of town this week. It's the first time I've slept alone in a house (not an apartment or condo) since I was in college. It's WEIRD!! There's something wrong with our plumbing system right now, so the toilets randomly gurgle, and I can occasionally hear water in the pipes near the laundry room. Those noises don't normally bother me, but they have caught me off guard when I'm expecting silence in the house. I feel relatively safe, but since I haven't done it in so long, I asked the hubby to get me the phone numbers of our pastor and music pastor since they each live 1/2 a mile away from us. I need male back-up in case something happens!
Whoo hoo ... x-ray is finally back. All is well. Think I'll go lie down ... 10 minutes is better than nothing!
Sunday, May 06, 2007
My new love
Isn't he gorgeous?
I think he would definitely be happier on the ground.
Mom's little jailbird
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
We're here!!!
Countless hours, 1 scratched wood floor, 3 gashed pieces of adored mahogany bedroom furniture, 2 non-working toilets, 2 broken electrical outlets, and 1 defective refrigerator later ... WE ARE MOVED IN!!! :) We have no blinds yet (those come Friday), so we have some old curtains hung up over the windows towards the street and towards the neighbor's kitchen. We got a working, non-damaged refrigerator today, and the hubby used his new tools to hang up a pot rack tonight so that our pots we got for our wedding will FINALLY be used on a regular basis. We have internet and cable now (obviously), and while we are only about 1/3 of the way unpacked and our house looks like a tornado hit it, I don't know if I could be happier. I love our house, imperfections and all.
In other news, I had my 3rd migraine in 12 days today. Ugh. I went a year without one, and now 3 in less than 2 weeks? Double ugh. At least I can finally think straight without feeling like a sledgehammer is pounding the right side of my head.
My puppy is 5 weeks old! It should only be about a month or so til we pick him up. That means 1 more month til everything in the house gets chewed to shreds. Yes, I know we are insane for getting the little guy, but I'm just a sucker for canines.
Okay, I know this post is totally incoherent, but I still have a small residual headache and can't think fully straight yet. More to come when the house gets cleaned up and we take pictures!
In other news, I had my 3rd migraine in 12 days today. Ugh. I went a year without one, and now 3 in less than 2 weeks? Double ugh. At least I can finally think straight without feeling like a sledgehammer is pounding the right side of my head.
My puppy is 5 weeks old! It should only be about a month or so til we pick him up. That means 1 more month til everything in the house gets chewed to shreds. Yes, I know we are insane for getting the little guy, but I'm just a sucker for canines.
Okay, I know this post is totally incoherent, but I still have a small residual headache and can't think fully straight yet. More to come when the house gets cleaned up and we take pictures!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Best Laid Plans
We were supposed to be landing in Dallas right about now. Instead, we're sitting in a Holiday Inn Express while the hubby watches The Dukes of Hazzard on TV and I upload pictures, blog, and listen to Babe on my laptop (it's a guilty pleasure -- I love this movie).
We just spent 5 days in Sonoma with daily trips to Napa. We obtained the start of a decent wine collection; I joked that some of the bottles we bought will be opened at our first child's graduation from high school! We had a great time and really got to reconnect during this trip. While we were there, we celebrated our one year anniversary! It's hard to believe that it's already been one year. So much has happened since then! It's been the hardest but also the best year of my life.
With this weather delay, we've had to shift plans around quite a bit already. Our original flight was to leave at 5:20 PM Wednesday. We tried to book seats on the 12:55 AM flight, but by the time we got through to the helpdesk, that flight was booked. We were then put on an 8 AM flight with a layover that put us into Dallas at 4:35 PM, and we weren't even going to be able to sit together. After getting to the hotel, I found a direct flight leaving around 11:15 AM and landing at 4:45 PM. Thankfully we were able to get 2 seats together on the direct flight! We were supposed to have our final walk at our house at 9 AM tomorrow and close at 11 AM. Now our builder is staying late so that we can have our walk after we land (hopefully around 5:30 PM), and we plan to close at 9 AM Thursday morning. If all goes well, we will rush back to the apartment to meet the movers between 12 and 2 PM. Then I go back to work on Friday and work over the weekend as well (at least no call!). At dinner tonight, the hubby reminded me that all things work together for good and that even though we can't see it now, we know God has a purpose for this.
Here are a few pictures from the trip:
The view from Silverado Winery
The courtyard at Silverado
We stayed on the second floor of this cottage.
The dessert from our anniversary dinner
Our new favorite winery -- here we received an hour long one-on-one tour for less than the price of a single tasting at some of the other vineyards. Best of all, the wine was phenomenal!
Frog's Leap, the winery that made the wine we drank the night we got engaged
True love
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Picture of my little one
Sebastian is one of these little fellas; I'm just not sure which one yet. Aren't they adorable?
Saturday, April 14, 2007
It's here!
We're closing on the house WAY sooner than we planned! We leave for Napa next Friday and get back on Tuesday. If everything goes as planned, we close on the house on Wednesday and move in Thursday. CRAZINESS!! The hubby and I started packing today. I forgot how much I dislike moving! It's worth it though.
Oh yeah, and we put a deposit down on a Yorkie puppy last week. He's 3 weeks old today. Last Saturday he was so little that he fit in one hand! Sebastian is on his way.
I am so exhausted. I haven't had a week off since last July. Last month I worked 19 days in a row. I cannot wait to sit on my bootie and sip some vina rosa while enjoying the fresh air in California. It's going to be such good times.Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Spring cleaning
There is no denying that I am a slob. I have never ever claimed to be a neat person, and while my apartment is clean, it is frequently very messy (big difference). Last night I attempted to find a particular pair of pants to complete the outfit I wanted to wear to clinic; incidentally, the entire outfit was built around showcasing a beautiful necklace I acquired when my mom came to visit 2 weekends ago. As usual, I had issues finding this particular pair of pants because it's easy to miss a pair of simple black pants among the disorganization that is our closet. I've become very apathetic regarding keeping things organized here as I realize we have only about five more weeks here. However, last night was different.
I started looking through my clothes for this particular pair of pants and realized that I had several pairs that did not fit or that had not been worn in years. I separated those into a pile and kept looking for this favorite pair of mine. Then I started to find some shirts that I had saved from several years ago. I had been holding on to these shirts because they were cute! I looked so cute and flirty in them! Then I realized that I hadn't worn most of these clothes in at least 3 to 5 years; they were the clothes I was wearing when I was, um, looking for attention or trying to look young and like I was having fun. Since buying these clothes, I have transformed into a yuppie and am honestly too grown up for them; I have a different definition of cute now. Buh-bye! At this point, I was getting motivated. Time to hit the shoe rack! If I hadn't worn the shoes since moving to Dallas, I figured that I won't wear them again, so I got rid of several pairs.
I'm now minus several feet of clothes from the closet and still have more to go tonight. This is just less to pack and move later!
I started looking through my clothes for this particular pair of pants and realized that I had several pairs that did not fit or that had not been worn in years. I separated those into a pile and kept looking for this favorite pair of mine. Then I started to find some shirts that I had saved from several years ago. I had been holding on to these shirts because they were cute! I looked so cute and flirty in them! Then I realized that I hadn't worn most of these clothes in at least 3 to 5 years; they were the clothes I was wearing when I was, um, looking for attention or trying to look young and like I was having fun. Since buying these clothes, I have transformed into a yuppie and am honestly too grown up for them; I have a different definition of cute now. Buh-bye! At this point, I was getting motivated. Time to hit the shoe rack! If I hadn't worn the shoes since moving to Dallas, I figured that I won't wear them again, so I got rid of several pairs.
I'm now minus several feet of clothes from the closet and still have more to go tonight. This is just less to pack and move later!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
ARGH!!!!
It's 11:45 PM, and I'm still up. Why? I went to bed shortly after 10 and fell asleep around 10:30 only to be woken moments later by my neighbors stomping around. Then either a child or a woman started to cry, and 50 minutes later, this was still going on. In exasperation, I called our courtesy patrol, something I've actually (shockingly) never done before. I just didn't feel like playing the bang-on-the-ceiling-with-a-broom game tonight. Now I have less than six hours to sleep, and I'm so tired. They are still making a lot of noise though, so it's not looking promising for me to get some sleep.
I can't wait til we have a closing date. I'm ready to go sleep in a sleeping bag in the new house. I just need some sleep!!
I can't wait til we have a closing date. I'm ready to go sleep in a sleeping bag in the new house. I just need some sleep!!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Already?!?
The hubby got a call on Saturday. It looks like the house may be a reality by the end of APRIL. Wow. Looks like our Houston visitors will actually have a place to stay sooner than we anticipated! If only I can get the details worked out to find some movers, I would be able to start a countdown til I can sleep without the sound of vacuuming or loud monkey-lovin waking me up. I need to take new pictures of the house; we have walls, cabinets, and doors up now. Craziness.
I'm watching Dancing With the Stars right now. I DVRed it like I do with most shows so that I can fast forward through all the boring parts. I've never watched this show before; the sad truth is that I really just wanted to see how Heather Mills-McCartney would dance. She only has 1 real leg, and I have a weird curiosity to see how it's gonna work! HA HA HA ... Billy Ray Cyrus just came on!! No lie -- his female partner has a mullet!! Too funny. NO THEY DID NOT -- he is dancing to a song that says, "I want my mullet back." The irony!
I made the most delicious roast chicken tonight. I've actually never cooked a whole chicken in my life; I'd always just used the boneless skinless breasts before. I have to admit that it was quite tasty. I'm practicing different meals so that once we actually have room to have people over, I will be able to cook for people. I used to cook dinner for my friends in college at least weekly, but I haven't really done much cooking other than for 2 since the middle of med school. I need to get back into practice!
I'm watching Dancing With the Stars right now. I DVRed it like I do with most shows so that I can fast forward through all the boring parts. I've never watched this show before; the sad truth is that I really just wanted to see how Heather Mills-McCartney would dance. She only has 1 real leg, and I have a weird curiosity to see how it's gonna work! HA HA HA ... Billy Ray Cyrus just came on!! No lie -- his female partner has a mullet!! Too funny. NO THEY DID NOT -- he is dancing to a song that says, "I want my mullet back." The irony!
I made the most delicious roast chicken tonight. I've actually never cooked a whole chicken in my life; I'd always just used the boneless skinless breasts before. I have to admit that it was quite tasty. I'm practicing different meals so that once we actually have room to have people over, I will be able to cook for people. I used to cook dinner for my friends in college at least weekly, but I haven't really done much cooking other than for 2 since the middle of med school. I need to get back into practice!
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