Meet me where I am

God bless Bebo Norman. That fella's music has stuck with me through the years! I (along with a large percentage of other young Christian females) used to crank up his music and sing my little heart out in college and in med school as I was searching for the one God had created for me, finding comfort in knowing others were sharing similar experiences and emotions. I cried tears of happiness as an excited engaged woman when I would try on my veil and tiara in my apartment and listen to "A Page Is Turned" and other mushy songs.

Now my situation is different. I'm a Song of Songs 3:1 kind of girl lately. I'm lonely. I'm hurting. I'm having a hard time understanding many things lately. I'm having an extremely hard time effectively living in another city from my new husband (we just had our five month-iversary last week). For some reason, I haven't felt that it's okay to show this side of me to many people including my beloved. I've felt like I'm supposed to show only the happy sides of me and that anytime anyone asks how I'm doing, my response should not contain any words other than "happy" and "blessed." I have a husband who loves me (even if he isn't in the same time zone), a good job, decent health (although it's been questionable at times lately!) ... what should I have to complain about? A while back, I received some well-meaning but really bad advice that I should put on a smile and "support" my husband's job which included not telling him how hard of a time I was having with his absence.

I've since realized that it has done us no good at all for me to put on a brave front if I'm really torn up inside. I need to be real. I can be supportive and understanding without lying by omission. Praise God for His mercy and the healing He is bringing to both of our hearts as we work through all of this. By God's grace and some good timing on the part of my attending, I was able to finish my work early and attend church last Sunday for the first time in a month. In Sunday school, our teacher spoke of "leading prognostic indicators" for marriage. He told us that one is going to bed at the same time every night; I started to cry right there in Sunday school because I miss that SO MUCH. We shared that every night for the first eight weeks of our marriage, and now with his work schedule and my call schedule, we might get to do that four times a month if that much. I stopped the tears and held up through AM service, but when we started to sing one of my favorite Chris Tomlin songs, all I could was whisper the words as my voice cracked and the faucets ran. "You see the depths of my heart, and You love me the same ... You are amazing God."

So back to Bebo ... I picked up his new CD yesterday afternoon and have been completely floored by his lyrics. I've only made it through the first six songs so far because I keep hitting "repeat" so many times. Yet again, God is using the Beeb's lyrics to meet me in my place of need.

"I Will Lift My Eyes"

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now



I'm stuck. I can't fast forward. Yet again he has captured my feelings exactly as I'm feeling in this moment of confusion, pain, beautiful desperate faith, and growth. I can be hurting and still be His beloved child. I'm not cheating Him out of glory by admitting to others than I am living through a rough period in my life. May I find my rest and find my peace in God's arms, not only now in this time of turmoil but also in the easy happy days that I know will one day come.

Saline eyes

Last night I took my second-to-last call of the month. It was a slower than usual call, and I actually got a couple of hours of sleep while I was up there. Unfortunately I woke up this morning to find that one of my patients who was less than a month old was not doing so well, and I had to transfer her up to the PICU to get her a little more respiratory support. I know that it's not my fault and that even if I'd stayed at her bedside all night long, I still would have had to send her up, but for some reason, I felt like a failure as a doctor today. I felt like I'd let that little girl's mommy and daddy down because she got sicker. I know that it was out of my hands, but that doesn't make it easier.

After rounds, I finished up the little work that I had left to do and walked out to the parking garage. I normally take the covered skybridge, but today I wanted to breathe fresh air, so I walked outside. I'd been cooped up inside for 29 hours, and I needed to feel the sun's warmth on my skin. As I walked out of the hospital, I started to cry ... not the big heaping sobs but the little tears that escape out of the corners of your eyes. The valet smiled at me as I passed, but I couldn't manage more than a nod in return.

The big sobs came when I climbed into my car. I cried for my sweet little patient (who will in all reality probably be okay in a few days). I cried for her family who just wants their little girl to be healthy. I cried for feeling like I wasn't the best doctor that I could have been. I cried for only being an intern and not knowing nearly enough. I cried for being an emotional, exhausted female. I cried for missing my husband and knowing I'd be going home to an empty apartment. I cried for missing my family and friends so much that it hurts.

When the tears stopped, I didn't have any huge revelations that made everything come into focus. I don't have the magic balm to ease any of these wounds. My patient is still in the PICU, I'm still just an intern, and I'm still alone and exhausted. I keep hearing that this is a rite of passage, but I don't understand how all of this is supposed to make me a better doctor or a better person. I know that thousands upon thousands of people have walked these steps before and have survived, so I keep telling myself that if my dad could do residency with 3 kids under 5, I can do it without even a pet. I'm sure my dad is right that I'll be able to view today better after I'm rested up.

I suppose I just need some peace just to get me to sleep.

It's a man, man.

Today I got out of work at 4:15 PM, a feat yet to be accomplished during this block unless I have been post call or on a weekend schedule. That was only 9 hours and 15 minutes at the hospital today -- whoo hoo!! I used the extra time to make a Target run for some essentials (laundry detergent and cereal) and non-essentials (fun socks and some kitchen utensils). On the way home, I was listening to my self-titled Caedmon's Call album and singing along. As track #5, "Bus Driver," came on, I thought to myself, "Wow, I never noticed those tires screeching in the intro before. That's really odd. Could I really have missed that for the last ten years?" Then I looked up and saw a truck far ahead of me that realized a cop was watching the light he was just about to run; the dude had slammed on his brakes HARD. I knew I couldn't have missed something on one of my favorite albums for years!

I continued my short drive home and realized that I was able to sing along perfectly with Derek while I'd been struggling earlier to hit the notes I normally sing. Now that I finally have a voice again, I sound like a man! It's kind of like Phoebe; I have a sexy voice now. ;) Too bad my little patients aren't impressed!

Hey, hey

About 4:15 AM early Sunday morning after 21 hours of being on my feet, I felt the need to start singing, "I Will Survive." My senior resident (who has been sick for the same period of time I have) and I were dealing with a big problem down in the ER, and she was starting to get overwhelmed. Seeing as I've been there quite a bit myself lately, I wanted to do something to cheer her up. Luckily for her, I only sang a line or two; I didn't want to damage what little was left of her hearing.

While my serenade was in jest, I realized that night (or morning?) that I really will survive this. I think every function of my head except for my vision has been affected within the last two weeks with all these bugs I keep catching. My attending diagnosed me with an ear infection last week (I felt like a little two year old!), so I've been acting like my grandmother and making everybody talk into my good ear, and now I have a raging case of laryngitis. I sound HILARIOUS. I got zero sleep on call Saturday night, meaning I was up on my feet working for 28 hours straight. I crashed when I got home Sunday morning and probably only spent a few of my awake hours remotely coherent before my husband left for good old California again last night. I honestly think I've just been too tired to be sad! This week has been really good for me. No, I really am being serious.

I keep getting pushed further and further with every day, but I feel that I'm adapting to the pushing and becoming a better person for it. I've gotten some positive feedback during moments when I needed it most, showing once again how impeccable God's timing is. While being separated from my husband brings an indescribable ache that nothing can remove, it has forced me to be honest and vulnerable with God in a way that I haven't been in a long time. During late college and medical school, I allowed Him to change me so that I no longer consider myself a failure when I am not perfect at something, but the environment where I now find myself is bringing out some of my old tendencies of striving to be the best. I need His gentle reminders that He does not seek perfection according to man's standards and that my greatest efforts should be to bring glory to Him.

My husband and I have been reading through books of the New Testament together as one way to stay connected during our time apart. We recently worked our way through Philippians, and these verses (2:14-15) have stuck with me:

Do everything without complaining or arguing,

so that you may become blameless and pure,

children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation,

in which you shine like stars in the universe

I could very easily find reasons to complain about many aspects of my job, but I try to save those for my family or for my blog; when I'm at work, I try to focus on the positive and have a good attitude towards my job. I don't want to be one of the residents that nobody wants to work with because of her bad attitude (in the 3 months we have been interns, we are already discovering some of those!). I want to be one of the ones who has something different about her, something that points to a force greater than me who sustains me when all good reasons for being positive are gone (reference I John 4:4 for another great verse!).

I have SO many questions right now about what the future holds. I have no idea when my husband and I will be together again for more than four days at a time. I have no idea where we will move when our lease runs out next June; we truly believed we had found the answer for where to build our house, but God has since closed the door on that option or at least on our time frame for it. I am unsure about my plans for fellowship and am very nervous when I contemplate the odds for me getting into the one I'm considering. I'm praying my car holds out and doesn't break down on me for at least another year. I don't know where He will take us in so many areas, but these last few weeks have reassured me that He is holding my hand and guiding me where He wants me.

On another very happy note, it's 3 PM, and I'm still in my pajamas. I don't really have any intention of getting out of them today although I do plan to change into a fresh set after a long bath tonight. I LOVE my days off. This is my 2nd day off in the last 15 days, and I am relishing every minute of it. I slept for 10 hours straight last night and have every intention of going to bed early tonight. Right now a thunderstorm is JUST starting outside, so I think I'll leave the harsh glare of the computer and head for my favorite spot on the couch with my warm quilt and a good book. If I happen to fall asleep in the process, that's even better. :)

Different verse

Seriously, what's up with this? It's a good thing that my vows included "in sickness and in health" because it's been a lot of the former lately. I'm sitting at home right now while the hubby is at church since I'm now the proud owner of a ferocious cold. I started feeling under the weather on Thursday, and by the time I got home postcall Saturday morning, I was siiiiiiick. We tried to go to the Rangers game last night, but we had to leave after the 5th inning since I'd run out of Kleenex and sounded like Val Kilmer in Tombstone. My poor husband ... it seems like the only time he sees me, I'm either sick or asleep!

On a side note, I hope I don't ever become a crazy parent. I've seen enough in the last two months to become really afraid of the possibilities!

The punchline

I truly believe that God has a sense of humor. He knew I needed a break from work, I'm on the GI (gastrointestinal) service this month ... put two and two together, and six hours after my last post, I woke up unable to keep down anything I'd eaten for the last month. At 5:30 AM, I made the stupid decision to tough it out and go to work, and by 11 AM, I was being sent home since I couldn't even keep down Gatorade. I knew for certain that something was really wrong when I got home and couldn't even stand the thought of watching the Food Network. It's been a Law & Order/Scrubs few days for me; I want NOTHING to do with food!! I took today off from work as well; when I didn't have enough energy last night to stand up for a shower, I knew I wouldn't be any good to be around sick kids today. This afternoon I've managed to eat 2 pieces of toast, and I'm contemplating my dinner choices right now. I have NOTHING bland on hand except bread for more toast, and that just doesn't sound good. Looks like I'll be making a run to the local grocery store for some soup and sugar-free popsicles.

On the bright side, I got more sleep last night than I've had in weeks, and I was relatively unstressed today. I didn't need this virus, but I did reap the benefits of a day and a half off work. I never thought I'd be thanking God for being sick! :)

Beyond my limits

This is hard, so very hard. I'm being pushed beyond the limits I can handle, another obvious reminder that every day I am in desperate need of my Savior.

Being an intern is rough. I know it's nothing compared to "the good old days," but for those of us living in 2006 who weren't there for the good old days, it's not easy. Several things that have been far out of my control have gone on at the hospital and have made my month more difficult than I anticipated. I'm easily working 60-70 hours each week, and I'm just tired. I'm getting 2 days off every other week for a total of 4 days this month; I'm now on my 9th day straight and can't wait for this Friday evening to get here! I am gladly counting down the days until I am off this service (just 3 more!!). I got behind in my chart dictations and stayed til 10:30 PM last Wednesday to get caught up (never again) and still had to be back at 6:30 the next morning. This week has pushed me to the edge, and I have almost cried twice when I'm hidden in a bathroom or walking down a lonely hall. It's amazing how many lessons I am learning on how to treat my own physicians and my children's pediatrician one day from both the good and bad treatment I have received from families. It's also amazing the attachments I'm forming to some of my patients; I am afraid I'll cry again when I have to say goodbye to one in particular that I have watched transform from a cranky little one who always screamed "NO!!" when you entered the room to one who asks me for a hug daily and kissed me on the cheek this morning. I find myself sitting at home worrying about my kiddos and looking them up online to see how they're doing and if anything has changed on them; I even dreamed about them on my weekend off earlier this month. I have to get better at separating my work life from my personal life; however, it's simply not an easy task.

My husband is working in California right now. He flies out Sunday night or Monday morning and gets back Friday night after dinner; if I can, I try to wait to eat with him around 9 or 9:30 PM so we can share a meal especially if I'm on call that weekend and won't see him for the rest of the weekend. I get up when it's 3:30 AM his time, and I'm in bed by 8:15 PM his time, so we don't have much of a chance to talk. Today we were both so busy that I didn't even get to talk to him until 8:30 my time after having dinner with his mom (she was sweet enough to drive up to Dallas and take me out for a real meal!). It's difficult being separated from the one you love. I carry 2 pictures of us on the back of one of my badges, so when I miss him during the day (which naturally occurs often), I can look at pictures from our wedding and from our honeymoon and remind myself that this separation is temporary and that we will be together again soon.

My car has been giving me a little trouble lately; the key has been sticking in the ignition when I have gone to start the engine. It has always fixed itself with a little jiggle and a few prayers, but last Thursday while I was parked illegally in a reserved spot (just to check our mailbox - I promise!), the car gave out on me. I tried for over 45 minutes to get it to start, and after sweat, tears, several calls to my husband in California, and a few unladylike words, I called a tow truck. While I was waiting, I continued to try the key, and by a miracle, it started. I drove it to the nearest dealership. I was quoted an estimate of $100 for the tow (which I didn't end up needing), $750 for the repair, and $100-150 for a rental car for 2 days. Ha ha ... such good times.

On the bright side, getting up at 5:30 every day is finally getting easier for this non-morning person. I have finally had my root canal, so I'm almost pain free -- a very welcome change. The car repair ended up only being $450, and I got a friend to pick me up from the dealership, saving me the car rental fee. My husband gets to come home Thursday evening, and he gets to come with me to a conference I'm going to in Austin this weekend on my potential career move after residency (stay tuned to the blog for more details over the next few years). Did I mention that my only expense for this weekend will be gas money? The conference is covering the registration fee, the hotel, and both of our meals for 1 day. Exciting! My husband has been so supportive of me and does everything within his power to be there for me. I can't imagine anyone else putting up with all that he has to, and I'm so thankful that God has placed us together. We joined a church last month that has provided us with so much of what we need, and we can't wait to dive in and get involved. It's been harder for me because I work most Sundays, but everyone has been very understanding, and I am welcomed with open arms when I have the chance to be there.

God's timing is perfect. This month has been hard, and there have been many times I've dropped to my knees with tears in my eyes asking "Why?" or "When will this end?" Every time that I am pushed beyond my limits, He is there for me. He is my strength. He gives me grace to deal with parents who yell at me for things out of my control. He give me patience when disorganization rules on the floor. He gives me laughter when I want to cry. He provides gifts when I have done nothing to deserve them. He amazes me.

My inviting bed is calling my name, and all too soon, the alarm clock will be buzzing me awake. Here is to a night full of sweet dreams (not of work!) and a day full of surprises and smiles. Today's kiss from my patient has made my entire rough month worth it. May I stay focused on the good and let the bad fall to the side.

My prayer

This week has been so hard. I get up every morning at 5:30 to be at work by 6:30; my beloved husband is 2 hours behind me and still sleeping for at least an hour after I get to work. I work without a chance to call him until 4ish to 7ish, but even when I get off work, he usually doesn't get off until 8 or 8:30 PM my time. Since I've been up before the sun and will do it again until my first day off next Saturday, I typically fall asleep pretty early while he's just barely finishing dinner. We have spent less time talking this week than we have since we first started dating. It's been difficult. Most of the week, I've just numbed myself to how mentally tired I am and how much I miss talking with people about things other than medicine. Today at work I almost cracked. I heard my husband's voice on the other end of the phone and almost started to cry at the nurses' station with 10 people standing around me. I held it together until I could get home, and God has provided me with much comfort tonight.

I don't understand why things are the way they are, why our schedules have to be so opposite, why God has placed us here. I don't have to understand, and that's comforting. I read the following prayer, and it really spoke to me where I am tonight.

From Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

when there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

My goal for this month is not going to be impressing my attending or getting in good with the fellow. My goal is to shine Christ through my words and deeds -- even if that means staying late to cover for someone else, not complaining when I get extra patients, and having a positive outlook when the group around me just wants to complain. I pray that I will find the good in my patients and in their families no matter how much they frustrate me. I have been able to share with patients before that I am a believer and have prayed for them; I am praying that He will open more doors for me to do that as I continue to practice medicine.

I better run ... I think my better half is finally off the airplane. I'll be gone from tomorrow at 6:15 AM until Sunday around 1:15 PM, so I better soak up what time I can tonight.

(Halfway to the) Weekend Update

The good news: My 8.5 hour day turned into a 12 hour day yesterday, but I still left the hospital happy. I love my team, and even though I have some really tough patients, I have some really great ones too. I think this will be a good month.

The bad news: I made my 4th trip to a dentist in 4.5 weeks. She thinks I'm going to need a root canal on at least one tooth, but she doesn't do them. The specialist's latest appointment is a 2:15 PM. I work until at least 3 PM every day. I have an appointment for next Tuesday for an "evaluation with possible procedure;" I never thought I'd be this desperate to get out of work. ;)

The sad news: My brother is moving to New York this week for law school. Even though we rarely talk and only see each other about 3-4 times per year, it still makes me sad to know that he's going to be so far away. My parents and sister are driving up to New York with him to help him move his stuff in a few days. I really wish I could be with them.

The random news: I need to get caught up on my DVR. I DVR-ed about 5 hours of my favorite Food Network show "Good Eats" (yay, Alton!) on Saturday while I was in the ER, and now it's just sitting there taking up space.

The dumb blonde news: By law, everything I sign at the hospital must have the letters "M.D." after my name. I've gotten so much into the habit of writing them behind my name that at the dentist today, I started to sign my receipt with those initials. I'd gotten the "M" out before I realized I didn't need to sign that like it was an order in a chart. Oops.

Ambivalence

There are days when I hate my job. There are days when I love my job. Honestly, I usually hate it and love it both within the same day. Sometimes I feel so confident in myself; I led a 3rd year medical student around today and could not believe how much more I knew than he did. Wow, I know that sounds dumb. I'm a doctor; I'm supposed to know more than he does, but there are so many times when I am reminded how much about children I still do not know. The good news is that I'm learning more and more with every shift. The bad news is that I switch services in 1 week, so I'll be thrown into a completely different territory and will start from scratch again. It's all good; I'm looking forward to learning a different specialty and facing the new challenges. Okay okay, so that's not entirely true ... I'm not a big fan of change and am just starting to get comfortable with the ER, but this change will be beneficial for me, so I'm keeping a positive outlook.

I love what I do so much; I can't find words to express how amazing it is to hold a baby in your arms and know that his parents trust you to make him better. To have a mom smile and say, "Thank you, doctor; this makes me feel so much better, and I'm going to sleep well tonight" after you explain what's going on with her kiddo makes all the crap that we deal with worth it. The downside comes when you can't give parents the good answers, when you have to give them bad news. I haven't had to deliver any earth-shattering news myself yet, but I've been there when it's happened, and it's so hard to fail the one time that it matters most. All of these precious children are ultimately in God's hands, and we are just tools that He uses, but it still stinks when His plan doesn't work out the way we wish it would.

I'm going to be honest; most days I ask myself, "What have I gotten myself into?" There are even days when I wonder if it's all worth it -- all the sleep lost, all the HUGE debt accrued, all the time away from my husband, all the friends that I have left in Houston, all the times I've gotten sick from a bug my patient has passed on. Every time that I begin to question, God always whispers to me that it is worth it because it's something He asked me to do. I never planned on being a doctor; in fact, I fought it until 3 months before the application process opened (taking the MCAT and knowing I had a single shot taught me real reliance on Him!). I wanted to go to med school in Dallas, but He put me in Houston where I made some of my best friends and met the love of my life. Like the old Caedmon's Call song states, "Looking back, You know You had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of; though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back, I see a lead of love."

I will never have all the answers this side of Heaven. I'll never understand why so many things happen the way they do. This journey that I'm walking has left me so changed; I am not the woman I was 5 or even 2 years ago. I pray that I'm a better woman for it and that I will be above and beyond what I've ever expected through His grace alone.