Hey, hey

About 4:15 AM early Sunday morning after 21 hours of being on my feet, I felt the need to start singing, "I Will Survive." My senior resident (who has been sick for the same period of time I have) and I were dealing with a big problem down in the ER, and she was starting to get overwhelmed. Seeing as I've been there quite a bit myself lately, I wanted to do something to cheer her up. Luckily for her, I only sang a line or two; I didn't want to damage what little was left of her hearing.

While my serenade was in jest, I realized that night (or morning?) that I really will survive this. I think every function of my head except for my vision has been affected within the last two weeks with all these bugs I keep catching. My attending diagnosed me with an ear infection last week (I felt like a little two year old!), so I've been acting like my grandmother and making everybody talk into my good ear, and now I have a raging case of laryngitis. I sound HILARIOUS. I got zero sleep on call Saturday night, meaning I was up on my feet working for 28 hours straight. I crashed when I got home Sunday morning and probably only spent a few of my awake hours remotely coherent before my husband left for good old California again last night. I honestly think I've just been too tired to be sad! This week has been really good for me. No, I really am being serious.

I keep getting pushed further and further with every day, but I feel that I'm adapting to the pushing and becoming a better person for it. I've gotten some positive feedback during moments when I needed it most, showing once again how impeccable God's timing is. While being separated from my husband brings an indescribable ache that nothing can remove, it has forced me to be honest and vulnerable with God in a way that I haven't been in a long time. During late college and medical school, I allowed Him to change me so that I no longer consider myself a failure when I am not perfect at something, but the environment where I now find myself is bringing out some of my old tendencies of striving to be the best. I need His gentle reminders that He does not seek perfection according to man's standards and that my greatest efforts should be to bring glory to Him.

My husband and I have been reading through books of the New Testament together as one way to stay connected during our time apart. We recently worked our way through Philippians, and these verses (2:14-15) have stuck with me:

Do everything without complaining or arguing,

so that you may become blameless and pure,

children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation,

in which you shine like stars in the universe

I could very easily find reasons to complain about many aspects of my job, but I try to save those for my family or for my blog; when I'm at work, I try to focus on the positive and have a good attitude towards my job. I don't want to be one of the residents that nobody wants to work with because of her bad attitude (in the 3 months we have been interns, we are already discovering some of those!). I want to be one of the ones who has something different about her, something that points to a force greater than me who sustains me when all good reasons for being positive are gone (reference I John 4:4 for another great verse!).

I have SO many questions right now about what the future holds. I have no idea when my husband and I will be together again for more than four days at a time. I have no idea where we will move when our lease runs out next June; we truly believed we had found the answer for where to build our house, but God has since closed the door on that option or at least on our time frame for it. I am unsure about my plans for fellowship and am very nervous when I contemplate the odds for me getting into the one I'm considering. I'm praying my car holds out and doesn't break down on me for at least another year. I don't know where He will take us in so many areas, but these last few weeks have reassured me that He is holding my hand and guiding me where He wants me.

On another very happy note, it's 3 PM, and I'm still in my pajamas. I don't really have any intention of getting out of them today although I do plan to change into a fresh set after a long bath tonight. I LOVE my days off. This is my 2nd day off in the last 15 days, and I am relishing every minute of it. I slept for 10 hours straight last night and have every intention of going to bed early tonight. Right now a thunderstorm is JUST starting outside, so I think I'll leave the harsh glare of the computer and head for my favorite spot on the couch with my warm quilt and a good book. If I happen to fall asleep in the process, that's even better. :)