Meet me where I am

God bless Bebo Norman. That fella's music has stuck with me through the years! I (along with a large percentage of other young Christian females) used to crank up his music and sing my little heart out in college and in med school as I was searching for the one God had created for me, finding comfort in knowing others were sharing similar experiences and emotions. I cried tears of happiness as an excited engaged woman when I would try on my veil and tiara in my apartment and listen to "A Page Is Turned" and other mushy songs.

Now my situation is different. I'm a Song of Songs 3:1 kind of girl lately. I'm lonely. I'm hurting. I'm having a hard time understanding many things lately. I'm having an extremely hard time effectively living in another city from my new husband (we just had our five month-iversary last week). For some reason, I haven't felt that it's okay to show this side of me to many people including my beloved. I've felt like I'm supposed to show only the happy sides of me and that anytime anyone asks how I'm doing, my response should not contain any words other than "happy" and "blessed." I have a husband who loves me (even if he isn't in the same time zone), a good job, decent health (although it's been questionable at times lately!) ... what should I have to complain about? A while back, I received some well-meaning but really bad advice that I should put on a smile and "support" my husband's job which included not telling him how hard of a time I was having with his absence.

I've since realized that it has done us no good at all for me to put on a brave front if I'm really torn up inside. I need to be real. I can be supportive and understanding without lying by omission. Praise God for His mercy and the healing He is bringing to both of our hearts as we work through all of this. By God's grace and some good timing on the part of my attending, I was able to finish my work early and attend church last Sunday for the first time in a month. In Sunday school, our teacher spoke of "leading prognostic indicators" for marriage. He told us that one is going to bed at the same time every night; I started to cry right there in Sunday school because I miss that SO MUCH. We shared that every night for the first eight weeks of our marriage, and now with his work schedule and my call schedule, we might get to do that four times a month if that much. I stopped the tears and held up through AM service, but when we started to sing one of my favorite Chris Tomlin songs, all I could was whisper the words as my voice cracked and the faucets ran. "You see the depths of my heart, and You love me the same ... You are amazing God."

So back to Bebo ... I picked up his new CD yesterday afternoon and have been completely floored by his lyrics. I've only made it through the first six songs so far because I keep hitting "repeat" so many times. Yet again, God is using the Beeb's lyrics to meet me in my place of need.

"I Will Lift My Eyes"

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now



I'm stuck. I can't fast forward. Yet again he has captured my feelings exactly as I'm feeling in this moment of confusion, pain, beautiful desperate faith, and growth. I can be hurting and still be His beloved child. I'm not cheating Him out of glory by admitting to others than I am living through a rough period in my life. May I find my rest and find my peace in God's arms, not only now in this time of turmoil but also in the easy happy days that I know will one day come.