Last night I took my second-to-last call of the month. It was a slower than usual call, and I actually got a couple of hours of sleep while I was up there. Unfortunately I woke up this morning to find that one of my patients who was less than a month old was not doing so well, and I had to transfer her up to the PICU to get her a little more respiratory support. I know that it's not my fault and that even if I'd stayed at her bedside all night long, I still would have had to send her up, but for some reason, I felt like a failure as a doctor today. I felt like I'd let that little girl's mommy and daddy down because she got sicker. I know that it was out of my hands, but that doesn't make it easier.
After rounds, I finished up the little work that I had left to do and walked out to the parking garage. I normally take the covered skybridge, but today I wanted to breathe fresh air, so I walked outside. I'd been cooped up inside for 29 hours, and I needed to feel the sun's warmth on my skin. As I walked out of the hospital, I started to cry ... not the big heaping sobs but the little tears that escape out of the corners of your eyes. The valet smiled at me as I passed, but I couldn't manage more than a nod in return.
The big sobs came when I climbed into my car. I cried for my sweet little patient (who will in all reality probably be okay in a few days). I cried for her family who just wants their little girl to be healthy. I cried for feeling like I wasn't the best doctor that I could have been. I cried for only being an intern and not knowing nearly enough. I cried for being an emotional, exhausted female. I cried for missing my husband and knowing I'd be going home to an empty apartment. I cried for missing my family and friends so much that it hurts.
When the tears stopped, I didn't have any huge revelations that made everything come into focus. I don't have the magic balm to ease any of these wounds. My patient is still in the PICU, I'm still just an intern, and I'm still alone and exhausted. I keep hearing that this is a rite of passage, but I don't understand how all of this is supposed to make me a better doctor or a better person. I know that thousands upon thousands of people have walked these steps before and have survived, so I keep telling myself that if my dad could do residency with 3 kids under 5, I can do it without even a pet. I'm sure my dad is right that I'll be able to view today better after I'm rested up.
I suppose I just need some peace just to get me to sleep.
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3 comments:
That last line is classic... well placed.
Sorry to hear that you had a rough day (rough few months, actually). But your perspective is encouraging... and (I think) God honoring.
I am sorry you had a rough day honey. I know it has been a rough couple of months.
Sarah,
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Don't forget that you are a girl and sometimes girls just need to cry. I have those meltdown days myself, and I don't have to worry about children's health, lack of sleep or missing my husband. But I still have times when I crumple down into a pile of tears. As women, we get emotional. Sometimes it is just too much to handle and we need to cry. So go for it, Sister! Don't feel bad about crying your heart out. I'm glad you did and glad to know I'm not the only one who just feels overwhelmed sometimes. I'm praying for you! You're doing a great job!
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