Beyond my limits

This is hard, so very hard. I'm being pushed beyond the limits I can handle, another obvious reminder that every day I am in desperate need of my Savior.

Being an intern is rough. I know it's nothing compared to "the good old days," but for those of us living in 2006 who weren't there for the good old days, it's not easy. Several things that have been far out of my control have gone on at the hospital and have made my month more difficult than I anticipated. I'm easily working 60-70 hours each week, and I'm just tired. I'm getting 2 days off every other week for a total of 4 days this month; I'm now on my 9th day straight and can't wait for this Friday evening to get here! I am gladly counting down the days until I am off this service (just 3 more!!). I got behind in my chart dictations and stayed til 10:30 PM last Wednesday to get caught up (never again) and still had to be back at 6:30 the next morning. This week has pushed me to the edge, and I have almost cried twice when I'm hidden in a bathroom or walking down a lonely hall. It's amazing how many lessons I am learning on how to treat my own physicians and my children's pediatrician one day from both the good and bad treatment I have received from families. It's also amazing the attachments I'm forming to some of my patients; I am afraid I'll cry again when I have to say goodbye to one in particular that I have watched transform from a cranky little one who always screamed "NO!!" when you entered the room to one who asks me for a hug daily and kissed me on the cheek this morning. I find myself sitting at home worrying about my kiddos and looking them up online to see how they're doing and if anything has changed on them; I even dreamed about them on my weekend off earlier this month. I have to get better at separating my work life from my personal life; however, it's simply not an easy task.

My husband is working in California right now. He flies out Sunday night or Monday morning and gets back Friday night after dinner; if I can, I try to wait to eat with him around 9 or 9:30 PM so we can share a meal especially if I'm on call that weekend and won't see him for the rest of the weekend. I get up when it's 3:30 AM his time, and I'm in bed by 8:15 PM his time, so we don't have much of a chance to talk. Today we were both so busy that I didn't even get to talk to him until 8:30 my time after having dinner with his mom (she was sweet enough to drive up to Dallas and take me out for a real meal!). It's difficult being separated from the one you love. I carry 2 pictures of us on the back of one of my badges, so when I miss him during the day (which naturally occurs often), I can look at pictures from our wedding and from our honeymoon and remind myself that this separation is temporary and that we will be together again soon.

My car has been giving me a little trouble lately; the key has been sticking in the ignition when I have gone to start the engine. It has always fixed itself with a little jiggle and a few prayers, but last Thursday while I was parked illegally in a reserved spot (just to check our mailbox - I promise!), the car gave out on me. I tried for over 45 minutes to get it to start, and after sweat, tears, several calls to my husband in California, and a few unladylike words, I called a tow truck. While I was waiting, I continued to try the key, and by a miracle, it started. I drove it to the nearest dealership. I was quoted an estimate of $100 for the tow (which I didn't end up needing), $750 for the repair, and $100-150 for a rental car for 2 days. Ha ha ... such good times.

On the bright side, getting up at 5:30 every day is finally getting easier for this non-morning person. I have finally had my root canal, so I'm almost pain free -- a very welcome change. The car repair ended up only being $450, and I got a friend to pick me up from the dealership, saving me the car rental fee. My husband gets to come home Thursday evening, and he gets to come with me to a conference I'm going to in Austin this weekend on my potential career move after residency (stay tuned to the blog for more details over the next few years). Did I mention that my only expense for this weekend will be gas money? The conference is covering the registration fee, the hotel, and both of our meals for 1 day. Exciting! My husband has been so supportive of me and does everything within his power to be there for me. I can't imagine anyone else putting up with all that he has to, and I'm so thankful that God has placed us together. We joined a church last month that has provided us with so much of what we need, and we can't wait to dive in and get involved. It's been harder for me because I work most Sundays, but everyone has been very understanding, and I am welcomed with open arms when I have the chance to be there.

God's timing is perfect. This month has been hard, and there have been many times I've dropped to my knees with tears in my eyes asking "Why?" or "When will this end?" Every time that I am pushed beyond my limits, He is there for me. He is my strength. He gives me grace to deal with parents who yell at me for things out of my control. He give me patience when disorganization rules on the floor. He gives me laughter when I want to cry. He provides gifts when I have done nothing to deserve them. He amazes me.

My inviting bed is calling my name, and all too soon, the alarm clock will be buzzing me awake. Here is to a night full of sweet dreams (not of work!) and a day full of surprises and smiles. Today's kiss from my patient has made my entire rough month worth it. May I stay focused on the good and let the bad fall to the side.