Tired (again)

Why do I feel like all my recent posts are about residency? It must be because I've felt consumed by it since mid-January. I can't wait for next block when I will have a few minutes to breathe. I'm taking Step 3 one week into the block (April 14-15), and I am in desperate need of some studying time for this exam. Hopefully I can get myself into gear; it's just about 2 weeks away, and I am SO not ready for it.

I had a truly wonderful call last night. I actually got to lie down for five hours in a row. To me, that's virtually unheard of on a NICU call night. I was a little deeper into sleep than I usually get on call, so when the resus page came across our walkies at 3:45 AM, my fellow second year and I looked pretty funny with our pillow marks fresh against our faces and our eyes blinking against the bright lights of the delivery room. The babies ended up being fine (yes, babies -- we went to 2 deliveries back to back, and 1 was for twins!), so life was good. My attending this month is extremely diligent in getting us out on time, so I was actually able to leave at 29 hours instead of the maximum of 30. It really was a great call!

Now I'm sitting at home after a lovely little nap and a warmed up dinner of leftovers. I'm watching reruns of CSI (which I am just now getting into), and I have a small Yorkie curled up asleep on my tummy. I've been reading blogs and researching sightseeing and restaurants for our trip to NYC (just 3 more weeks!). Hubby's out of town, so I'm planning on turning in early and catching up on my sleep. Tomorrow should be a relatively long day (6 AM to 5 PM), and then I'll be on call again Friday, so I will rest while I can!

Catching up

Today is my 2nd day off this 4 week block -- yay! Unfortunately Hubby had to leave for Philly this morning, but I was so out of it that I barely remember him saying goodbye. I slept for eleven hours straight!! I still can't believe it. At least I feel well rested now; tomorrow night I'll be back for yet another no-sleep call in the NICU, so feeling not tired for now is a great feeling.

My parents came into town on Thursday so that my dad could speak at our church; it was so awesome both seeing them and getting to hear again the message of all Christ has done for us. I think this was my 4th time hearing the talk, so I got teased that pretty soon I'll be able to give it since I've got the medical background as well. If only I didn't have my extreme dislike of speaking in public! To make Easter even better, I was able to finish my work up early that morning and make it to church only 5 minutes late. I had gotten to work at 5:30 so that I might be able to finish early, and praise God, I was able to wrap up quickly and get out! I've had to miss a decent amount of church recently because of work, so being there at all is a blessing, but being there with my church family on Easter Sunday was a special treat.

After sleeping half the day away, I'm working on getting the house cleaned up and back in order. It's not too bad since my parents were just here, but there's always laundry to be done or something to be cleaned. Then I'm running to one of the best and most fun stores in the world, Target, later today to clean up on post-Easter candy, and then I'm going to come home and bake! My mom brought me this AMAZING cookbook, and I'm eager to try out some new recipes. It's going to be a very relaxing day off!!

True conversation

Hubby is working from home this week, and today is my first day off after eight straight days and 2 calls in the NICU. Thunderstorms have been roaring over the house today, and since my parents are coming into town Thursday for my dad's Crucifixion presentation at church, I've been doing a ton of cleaning.

I paused to make Hubby lunch, so we ate while watching Paula's home cooking on our new TV. A commercial for Yaz came on. I don't think Hubby was particularly paying attention to it until they started talking about how it relieved headaches, fatigue, irritability, and bloating among a whole host of symptoms. "There you go!" he exclaimed. "That's what you need!"

Me: "HUH??"

Hubby: "The commercial says that this relieves headaches, fatigue, and irritability. If this can help you feel better, don't you think you should take it?"

Me: "Honey, that's a commercial for birth control that helps relieve PMDD, not PMS. My PMS isn't even that bad." (In my head, I'm thinking, "Are you NUTS? And as for the fatigue, I'm a resident; that has NOTHING to do with hormones!")

Hubby: "Well, what's the difference between PMDD and PMS?" (I proceeded to explain.) "Oh, well I just thought it might help."

Me: "Thanks ... I think. You know, you're lucky to be married to me; most women would be really offended if someone suggested they needed to take a pill for their PMS."

Hubby: "I still don't understand why. I really was just trying to help."


So sweetly clueless! I love my hubby. He left to go back to work (after taking his dishes downstairs without even being asked) but proceeded to come back a few minutes later to compliment me on lunch and how good the house looks. I'm a lucky lady. :)

Little peanuts

I'm 3 days into my 28 days of my rotation through the NICU. I'm already tired, and I haven't even taken my first call. Tomorrow afternoon will be the first time I'll be going to "resus" (short for resuscitation) calls. It'll be the scary deliveries, but at least I will have back-up with me including a respiratory therapist and a nurse both specially trained for this with the ability to call a fellow if needed. I know I'll be saying many many prayers for myself, my team, these babies, and their families. By noon Friday, I will be 30 hours into my call; hopefully I will have helped to save a few lives by then!

Thank God

Last night I had a big scare. I was scratching something on my back when I noticed a new very dark spot in the middle of my back. It was just out of decent view, and since Hubby was out of town, I couldn't ask him to examine it better. I even tried to take a digital picture of it by sticking my arm behind my back, but I was unsuccessful. I have extremely fair skin and have already had a few concerning moles removed from my back several years ago, so finding this new spot really scared me. Hubby had actually fallen asleep already by the time I found this, so I wasn't even able to tell him about it last night. I left him a message on his voicemail and managed to finally fall asleep.

This morning I managed to find an appointment for 1:30 PM with one of the dermatologists associated with the medical school with which I am affiliated up here. She took a look at this spot and then called in another dermatologist to take a look, and they made the decision that it's nothing! I am SO thankful. I didn't even need a biopsy! They even complimented me on how well I am taking care of my skin and told me to keep doing what I'm doing now. (It's easy not to get any sun when you work from 7 AM to 7 PM!)

To make my day even more exciting, I managed to get caught in a snow storm on my way home; the lady at the store where I had stopped laughed at me when I told her that I have no idea how to drive in the snow! Thankfully I made it home safely. Hubby's flight home got cancelled, but he was able to make it on an earlier flight and should be home shortly after seven tonight. I'm so excited!! God's grace is abounding in my life today, and I am so thankful.

This is why

Two days ago, I had an experience in clinic that completely reinforced why I want to be a general pediatrician. I looked at my schedule and saw many names that I didn't know (sick visits for patients of other residents), but I also saw 2 names of my own personal patients. Both of them are babies that I have followed since they were born. The first was a 1 year old well child check for a baby that I first met when he was five days old; I cannot believe how big he has gotten! He has the best parents; they both always show up for his appointments and are raising him so well.

My later appointment was with a ten month old that I have seen for all of his check-ups except one when I was working nights for a month straight. His mom identifies me as his doctor and even commented on how she liked my new haircut; that she knows me well enough to notice that I cut my hair just warms my heart. I am her baby's doctor! This poor little guy had been running a low grade temp along with tons of congestion and cough; just like everybody else, he's got a nasty virus. The FDA as well as the American Academy of Pediatrics have recently recommended against cough and cold medicine in this little guy's age; I had already warned this mommy about that at his last check-up, and she had actually listened and remembered! She told me that she brought him in Wednesday because she knew it was my day to be in clinic and she just wanted me to check him out and make sure his ears were okay. I reassured her that his ears looked great and gave her warnings on when to return to clinic or to the ER. As I left that room Wednesday, I was reminded of the incredible blessing and responsibility I have of parents entrusting their child's care to me. I hope and pray that I remain this excited throughout the rest of my career, wherever and however long it is.

Chicken soup please

Having all those toddlers coughing in my face has finally caught up to me; I am sick. At this point, I'm just calling it a cold, so I'll be taking it easy tonight and pushing fluids. I have a required workshop tomorrow from 7:30 AM until 7 PM, so I'm praying that getting caught up on sleep tonight will help me feel better and survive tomorrow. I had Friday and Saturday nights off and then worked last night, and last night's shift was so much better than the previous one about which I blogged. I didn't cry, and I even had time to go to the bathroom. :) Since I don't work tonight, I plan on doing nothing productive today and then going to bed early! It will be my reward to myself for a long but successful night in the ER.

Best gift

I have worked 12 hour night shifts in the ER for the last two nights. I don't think I've ever wanted a shift to end as much as last night's. Around 2 AM, I actually broke down crying in front of two of my fellow second years and two sweet nurses because of some horrible experiences from earlier in the evening added to my total inability to sneak away to eat anything substantial for my entire 12 hour shift (I didn't even get a bathroom break til 8 hours in). There was quite a bit of confrontation last night, most of it unnecessary, so being the total peacemaker I am, I was visibly shaken by some of the things that happened. I checked out to one of my sweetest friends this morning, and as I was getting ready to leave, she hugged me and said, "Sarah, you're a great doctor; don't forget that, and don't let anything make you question that. I love you." I got all choked up and teary again, so I left as quickly as I could so that no one would see me cry. This friend had never said that before, so hearing it at one of the moments I needed it most makes me so grateful for such a great friend. Lucky for me, Hubby got home last night, so I was at least able to get a reassuring hug from him this morning to remind me that everything will be okay.

The reasons parents bring their kids to the ER in the middle of the night absolutely astound me. Some of them are totally valid, but there have been several times over the last two nights where I enter a room, talk with the family, and think to myself, "You have waited seven plus hours for this?!?" All you future parents, please call your child's pediatrician before you take your kid to the ER for a cold (or call EMS to bring your child into the ER for a cold). Don't get mad at us when we tell you that she doesn't need antibiotics and that we have no medications to recommend for your baby. No, we are not trying to be mean, and no, we are not trying to make money by telling you not to give your child medicine that the FDA has deemed dangerous for your baby. We are just trying to keep your baby safe; if we wanted to make money, we would have chosen another specialty. Please remember that this is an emergency room. When I don't come by your room for over an hour because your child is on room air, smiling and happy, please know I am not trying to ingnore you; I have probably been in the trauma bay dealing with major badness, and trust me when I say that I would much rather not be back there!

On a different note, Hubby and I agreed ahead of time that we weren't going to make a big deal out of Valentine's Day. To me, it's a big ploy by retailers to get your to spend money. That said, I did use it as an excuse to buy him a Wii game that I had planned to get for Christmas but couldn't find in stock, and he surprised me with delivery of some beautiful pink and white tulips yesterday (my fave!). However, the best gift of all came this afternoon. The construction workers building on the empty lots immediately behind our house have been intermittently playing their music so loud that we can hear it inside the house. We have called to complain at least 3 times in the past two weeks; it's annoying to listen to the thumping bass, but when I only have nine to eleven hours at home between shifts, I need every minute of sleep that I can get. This afternoon, the workers yet again parked their truck immediately behind our fence and proceeded to blast music at the top of their speakers. Unbeknowst to Hubby who was working in the office upstairs, it woke me up, but I was so tired that I couldn't drag myself out of bed. Apparently as soon as it started, he called up someone at the front of the subdivision, but an hour and a half later, they still had not done anything about it. He tried again with the girl at the front of the subdivision, and when she basically twiddled her thumbs, he told her his plans to file a noise complaint with the police. Her response? "Yeah, that's a great idea! It will definitely make them stop." So he did, and the music magically died (I think word got out he called the police because the music stopped 10 minutes later). It truly was one of the greatest Valentine presents ever. Love is trying to ensure your sleep-deprived resident wife can get a good nap uninterrupted by someone else's music!

Decompressing

Hubby had his alarm set for 6 AM this morning, but after 2 nights in a row of dreaming about the PICU, I didn't even need his alarm to tell me it was time to get up. I'm working the night shift in the ER tonight, so I have several hours to spend here at home before going it. The weatherman is predicting a HUGE line of thunderstorms to come in right about the time I start my shift, so I'm looking foward to fun times in the ER tonight. Bad weather always bring in sick patients, so I need to put on my gameface.



This weekend we went to a love and marriage mini-retreat at our church; it was so great to learn and be reminded of the priority of our marriage. We capped the weekend off with the most delectable dinner at Del Frisco's Saturday night; I think I'm still drooling about the experience. I may gave gained five pounds from it, but it was worth it! Sunday afternoon after church, Hubby finished painting the bedroom while I kept falling asleep in the middle of the room. I still can't believe this awesome looking room belongs to us!

My sweetie had to get on a plane this morning again, and when he gets back Thursday night, I will be working all night til 7 AM. I'm not a huge Valentine's day person, but it still makes me a little sad that I won't see him until Friday. When he hugged me goodbye today, I couldn't stop the tears from leaking, and even now I'm having a hard time turning off their slow drip-drip-drip. All the emotions and messed-up sleep habits from the last two weeks are starting to catch up to me, and I just need time to clear my head. Fortunately I am not working Friday or Saturday, so I will have time to be with him for more than just a quick hug before one of us heads to bed or heads out the door.

For now I think I'll spend a little more time watching TV and relaxing this morning before I get up to work on laundry or whip up something yummy in the kitchen. I will work hard tonight, but today is for relaxing and renewing my tired heart.

Surreal

Thoughts on this week on PICU night float:

• 3 codes in the last 3 nights
• 3 episodes of listening to mothers scream as their child's monitor shows flat lines
• 3 rounds of controlled chaos as the team frantically moves to save a life
• 1 loss and 2 saves ... for now
• 1 family irreversibly changed and 2 families waiting in limbo
• 3 nights of me realizing just how much I hate this place and how glad I am God has placed people here who love it
• 1 more night until I'm out of here
• Miracles do happen
• Every day I am alive is more proof of God's grace