One more thing ...

One more thing I am thankful for is the ability to swallow. My precious patient has lost that ability. I found out today through a text page from another doc taking care of her, and now she is going to require tube feeds. I almost started crying in Fry's shortly after I found out. Later after we got home, I soaked in a hot bath with water up to my chin as I cried out to God and told Him again that I don't know what to do for her. No one seems to know. She is getting worse right in front of our eyes, and there is nothing we can do to stop it.

This is the point where my flesh wants to start disengaging. Looking into her mom's eyes hurts so badly because I cannot provide answers or an honest hope of recovery at this point. Caressing her sweet little face reminds me how fragile she is. Although I continue to pray for a miracle, I am preparing myself for what happens if God chooses not to provide one. She may live a long life, but at this point there are no answers.

Fortunately the Holy Spirit refuses to let me disengage. I am frequently reminded that the best thing I can do for her is to pray. The first time God began to whisper to my heart what He had in store for my life, I was a 14 year old teen volunteer at Hermann Hospital. I was wheeling a patient from the front of the hospital to his room when he began to vomit in front of me. I was a helpless teenager who had no clue what to do, but I was overcome with a desire to help this man. The words from a song called "Not Too Far From Here" (originally sung by Kim Boyce) popped into my head: "Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain; help me not to rest while those around me weep. Give me Your strength and compassion when somebody finds the road of life too steep."

Little did I know that six years later, He would call me to medical school, and four years later, He would call me to take care of His little ones. I see His fingerprints every day in the beauty that is the human body. I see His miracles everywhere I turn. How one could practice medicine and not believe in God is beyond me.

I can cry for my patient. I can pray for her. I can feel helpless. I can come up with new ideas. I just need to keep remembering that God has a perfect plan, and I need to be ready to be a tool in His hands in any way He wants to use me.


Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me Lord to wipe away a tear
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
Somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me and take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds the road of life too steep

Now, I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak your love to every needful ear
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here