Meet me where I am

God bless Bebo Norman. That fella's music has stuck with me through the years! I (along with a large percentage of other young Christian females) used to crank up his music and sing my little heart out in college and in med school as I was searching for the one God had created for me, finding comfort in knowing others were sharing similar experiences and emotions. I cried tears of happiness as an excited engaged woman when I would try on my veil and tiara in my apartment and listen to "A Page Is Turned" and other mushy songs.

Now my situation is different. I'm a Song of Songs 3:1 kind of girl lately. I'm lonely. I'm hurting. I'm having a hard time understanding many things lately. I'm having an extremely hard time effectively living in another city from my new husband (we just had our five month-iversary last week). For some reason, I haven't felt that it's okay to show this side of me to many people including my beloved. I've felt like I'm supposed to show only the happy sides of me and that anytime anyone asks how I'm doing, my response should not contain any words other than "happy" and "blessed." I have a husband who loves me (even if he isn't in the same time zone), a good job, decent health (although it's been questionable at times lately!) ... what should I have to complain about? A while back, I received some well-meaning but really bad advice that I should put on a smile and "support" my husband's job which included not telling him how hard of a time I was having with his absence.

I've since realized that it has done us no good at all for me to put on a brave front if I'm really torn up inside. I need to be real. I can be supportive and understanding without lying by omission. Praise God for His mercy and the healing He is bringing to both of our hearts as we work through all of this. By God's grace and some good timing on the part of my attending, I was able to finish my work early and attend church last Sunday for the first time in a month. In Sunday school, our teacher spoke of "leading prognostic indicators" for marriage. He told us that one is going to bed at the same time every night; I started to cry right there in Sunday school because I miss that SO MUCH. We shared that every night for the first eight weeks of our marriage, and now with his work schedule and my call schedule, we might get to do that four times a month if that much. I stopped the tears and held up through AM service, but when we started to sing one of my favorite Chris Tomlin songs, all I could was whisper the words as my voice cracked and the faucets ran. "You see the depths of my heart, and You love me the same ... You are amazing God."

So back to Bebo ... I picked up his new CD yesterday afternoon and have been completely floored by his lyrics. I've only made it through the first six songs so far because I keep hitting "repeat" so many times. Yet again, God is using the Beeb's lyrics to meet me in my place of need.

"I Will Lift My Eyes"

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now



I'm stuck. I can't fast forward. Yet again he has captured my feelings exactly as I'm feeling in this moment of confusion, pain, beautiful desperate faith, and growth. I can be hurting and still be His beloved child. I'm not cheating Him out of glory by admitting to others than I am living through a rough period in my life. May I find my rest and find my peace in God's arms, not only now in this time of turmoil but also in the easy happy days that I know will one day come.

Saline eyes

Last night I took my second-to-last call of the month. It was a slower than usual call, and I actually got a couple of hours of sleep while I was up there. Unfortunately I woke up this morning to find that one of my patients who was less than a month old was not doing so well, and I had to transfer her up to the PICU to get her a little more respiratory support. I know that it's not my fault and that even if I'd stayed at her bedside all night long, I still would have had to send her up, but for some reason, I felt like a failure as a doctor today. I felt like I'd let that little girl's mommy and daddy down because she got sicker. I know that it was out of my hands, but that doesn't make it easier.

After rounds, I finished up the little work that I had left to do and walked out to the parking garage. I normally take the covered skybridge, but today I wanted to breathe fresh air, so I walked outside. I'd been cooped up inside for 29 hours, and I needed to feel the sun's warmth on my skin. As I walked out of the hospital, I started to cry ... not the big heaping sobs but the little tears that escape out of the corners of your eyes. The valet smiled at me as I passed, but I couldn't manage more than a nod in return.

The big sobs came when I climbed into my car. I cried for my sweet little patient (who will in all reality probably be okay in a few days). I cried for her family who just wants their little girl to be healthy. I cried for feeling like I wasn't the best doctor that I could have been. I cried for only being an intern and not knowing nearly enough. I cried for being an emotional, exhausted female. I cried for missing my husband and knowing I'd be going home to an empty apartment. I cried for missing my family and friends so much that it hurts.

When the tears stopped, I didn't have any huge revelations that made everything come into focus. I don't have the magic balm to ease any of these wounds. My patient is still in the PICU, I'm still just an intern, and I'm still alone and exhausted. I keep hearing that this is a rite of passage, but I don't understand how all of this is supposed to make me a better doctor or a better person. I know that thousands upon thousands of people have walked these steps before and have survived, so I keep telling myself that if my dad could do residency with 3 kids under 5, I can do it without even a pet. I'm sure my dad is right that I'll be able to view today better after I'm rested up.

I suppose I just need some peace just to get me to sleep.

It's a man, man.

Today I got out of work at 4:15 PM, a feat yet to be accomplished during this block unless I have been post call or on a weekend schedule. That was only 9 hours and 15 minutes at the hospital today -- whoo hoo!! I used the extra time to make a Target run for some essentials (laundry detergent and cereal) and non-essentials (fun socks and some kitchen utensils). On the way home, I was listening to my self-titled Caedmon's Call album and singing along. As track #5, "Bus Driver," came on, I thought to myself, "Wow, I never noticed those tires screeching in the intro before. That's really odd. Could I really have missed that for the last ten years?" Then I looked up and saw a truck far ahead of me that realized a cop was watching the light he was just about to run; the dude had slammed on his brakes HARD. I knew I couldn't have missed something on one of my favorite albums for years!

I continued my short drive home and realized that I was able to sing along perfectly with Derek while I'd been struggling earlier to hit the notes I normally sing. Now that I finally have a voice again, I sound like a man! It's kind of like Phoebe; I have a sexy voice now. ;) Too bad my little patients aren't impressed!

Hey, hey

About 4:15 AM early Sunday morning after 21 hours of being on my feet, I felt the need to start singing, "I Will Survive." My senior resident (who has been sick for the same period of time I have) and I were dealing with a big problem down in the ER, and she was starting to get overwhelmed. Seeing as I've been there quite a bit myself lately, I wanted to do something to cheer her up. Luckily for her, I only sang a line or two; I didn't want to damage what little was left of her hearing.

While my serenade was in jest, I realized that night (or morning?) that I really will survive this. I think every function of my head except for my vision has been affected within the last two weeks with all these bugs I keep catching. My attending diagnosed me with an ear infection last week (I felt like a little two year old!), so I've been acting like my grandmother and making everybody talk into my good ear, and now I have a raging case of laryngitis. I sound HILARIOUS. I got zero sleep on call Saturday night, meaning I was up on my feet working for 28 hours straight. I crashed when I got home Sunday morning and probably only spent a few of my awake hours remotely coherent before my husband left for good old California again last night. I honestly think I've just been too tired to be sad! This week has been really good for me. No, I really am being serious.

I keep getting pushed further and further with every day, but I feel that I'm adapting to the pushing and becoming a better person for it. I've gotten some positive feedback during moments when I needed it most, showing once again how impeccable God's timing is. While being separated from my husband brings an indescribable ache that nothing can remove, it has forced me to be honest and vulnerable with God in a way that I haven't been in a long time. During late college and medical school, I allowed Him to change me so that I no longer consider myself a failure when I am not perfect at something, but the environment where I now find myself is bringing out some of my old tendencies of striving to be the best. I need His gentle reminders that He does not seek perfection according to man's standards and that my greatest efforts should be to bring glory to Him.

My husband and I have been reading through books of the New Testament together as one way to stay connected during our time apart. We recently worked our way through Philippians, and these verses (2:14-15) have stuck with me:

Do everything without complaining or arguing,

so that you may become blameless and pure,

children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation,

in which you shine like stars in the universe

I could very easily find reasons to complain about many aspects of my job, but I try to save those for my family or for my blog; when I'm at work, I try to focus on the positive and have a good attitude towards my job. I don't want to be one of the residents that nobody wants to work with because of her bad attitude (in the 3 months we have been interns, we are already discovering some of those!). I want to be one of the ones who has something different about her, something that points to a force greater than me who sustains me when all good reasons for being positive are gone (reference I John 4:4 for another great verse!).

I have SO many questions right now about what the future holds. I have no idea when my husband and I will be together again for more than four days at a time. I have no idea where we will move when our lease runs out next June; we truly believed we had found the answer for where to build our house, but God has since closed the door on that option or at least on our time frame for it. I am unsure about my plans for fellowship and am very nervous when I contemplate the odds for me getting into the one I'm considering. I'm praying my car holds out and doesn't break down on me for at least another year. I don't know where He will take us in so many areas, but these last few weeks have reassured me that He is holding my hand and guiding me where He wants me.

On another very happy note, it's 3 PM, and I'm still in my pajamas. I don't really have any intention of getting out of them today although I do plan to change into a fresh set after a long bath tonight. I LOVE my days off. This is my 2nd day off in the last 15 days, and I am relishing every minute of it. I slept for 10 hours straight last night and have every intention of going to bed early tonight. Right now a thunderstorm is JUST starting outside, so I think I'll leave the harsh glare of the computer and head for my favorite spot on the couch with my warm quilt and a good book. If I happen to fall asleep in the process, that's even better. :)

Different verse

Seriously, what's up with this? It's a good thing that my vows included "in sickness and in health" because it's been a lot of the former lately. I'm sitting at home right now while the hubby is at church since I'm now the proud owner of a ferocious cold. I started feeling under the weather on Thursday, and by the time I got home postcall Saturday morning, I was siiiiiiick. We tried to go to the Rangers game last night, but we had to leave after the 5th inning since I'd run out of Kleenex and sounded like Val Kilmer in Tombstone. My poor husband ... it seems like the only time he sees me, I'm either sick or asleep!

On a side note, I hope I don't ever become a crazy parent. I've seen enough in the last two months to become really afraid of the possibilities!