I truly believe that God has a sense of humor. He knew I needed a break from work, I'm on the GI (gastrointestinal) service this month ... put two and two together, and six hours after my last post, I woke up unable to keep down anything I'd eaten for the last month. At 5:30 AM, I made the stupid decision to tough it out and go to work, and by 11 AM, I was being sent home since I couldn't even keep down Gatorade. I knew for certain that something was really wrong when I got home and couldn't even stand the thought of watching the Food Network. It's been a Law & Order/Scrubs few days for me; I want NOTHING to do with food!! I took today off from work as well; when I didn't have enough energy last night to stand up for a shower, I knew I wouldn't be any good to be around sick kids today. This afternoon I've managed to eat 2 pieces of toast, and I'm contemplating my dinner choices right now. I have NOTHING bland on hand except bread for more toast, and that just doesn't sound good. Looks like I'll be making a run to the local grocery store for some soup and sugar-free popsicles.
On the bright side, I got more sleep last night than I've had in weeks, and I was relatively unstressed today. I didn't need this virus, but I did reap the benefits of a day and a half off work. I never thought I'd be thanking God for being sick! :)
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Beyond my limits
This is hard, so very hard. I'm being pushed beyond the limits I can handle, another obvious reminder that every day I am in desperate need of my Savior.
Being an intern is rough. I know it's nothing compared to "the good old days," but for those of us living in 2006 who weren't there for the good old days, it's not easy. Several things that have been far out of my control have gone on at the hospital and have made my month more difficult than I anticipated. I'm easily working 60-70 hours each week, and I'm just tired. I'm getting 2 days off every other week for a total of 4 days this month; I'm now on my 9th day straight and can't wait for this Friday evening to get here! I am gladly counting down the days until I am off this service (just 3 more!!). I got behind in my chart dictations and stayed til 10:30 PM last Wednesday to get caught up (never again) and still had to be back at 6:30 the next morning. This week has pushed me to the edge, and I have almost cried twice when I'm hidden in a bathroom or walking down a lonely hall. It's amazing how many lessons I am learning on how to treat my own physicians and my children's pediatrician one day from both the good and bad treatment I have received from families. It's also amazing the attachments I'm forming to some of my patients; I am afraid I'll cry again when I have to say goodbye to one in particular that I have watched transform from a cranky little one who always screamed "NO!!" when you entered the room to one who asks me for a hug daily and kissed me on the cheek this morning. I find myself sitting at home worrying about my kiddos and looking them up online to see how they're doing and if anything has changed on them; I even dreamed about them on my weekend off earlier this month. I have to get better at separating my work life from my personal life; however, it's simply not an easy task.
My husband is working in California right now. He flies out Sunday night or Monday morning and gets back Friday night after dinner; if I can, I try to wait to eat with him around 9 or 9:30 PM so we can share a meal especially if I'm on call that weekend and won't see him for the rest of the weekend. I get up when it's 3:30 AM his time, and I'm in bed by 8:15 PM his time, so we don't have much of a chance to talk. Today we were both so busy that I didn't even get to talk to him until 8:30 my time after having dinner with his mom (she was sweet enough to drive up to Dallas and take me out for a real meal!). It's difficult being separated from the one you love. I carry 2 pictures of us on the back of one of my badges, so when I miss him during the day (which naturally occurs often), I can look at pictures from our wedding and from our honeymoon and remind myself that this separation is temporary and that we will be together again soon.
My car has been giving me a little trouble lately; the key has been sticking in the ignition when I have gone to start the engine. It has always fixed itself with a little jiggle and a few prayers, but last Thursday while I was parked illegally in a reserved spot (just to check our mailbox - I promise!), the car gave out on me. I tried for over 45 minutes to get it to start, and after sweat, tears, several calls to my husband in California, and a few unladylike words, I called a tow truck. While I was waiting, I continued to try the key, and by a miracle, it started. I drove it to the nearest dealership. I was quoted an estimate of $100 for the tow (which I didn't end up needing), $750 for the repair, and $100-150 for a rental car for 2 days. Ha ha ... such good times.
On the bright side, getting up at 5:30 every day is finally getting easier for this non-morning person. I have finally had my root canal, so I'm almost pain free -- a very welcome change. The car repair ended up only being $450, and I got a friend to pick me up from the dealership, saving me the car rental fee. My husband gets to come home Thursday evening, and he gets to come with me to a conference I'm going to in Austin this weekend on my potential career move after residency (stay tuned to the blog for more details over the next few years). Did I mention that my only expense for this weekend will be gas money? The conference is covering the registration fee, the hotel, and both of our meals for 1 day. Exciting! My husband has been so supportive of me and does everything within his power to be there for me. I can't imagine anyone else putting up with all that he has to, and I'm so thankful that God has placed us together. We joined a church last month that has provided us with so much of what we need, and we can't wait to dive in and get involved. It's been harder for me because I work most Sundays, but everyone has been very understanding, and I am welcomed with open arms when I have the chance to be there.
God's timing is perfect. This month has been hard, and there have been many times I've dropped to my knees with tears in my eyes asking "Why?" or "When will this end?" Every time that I am pushed beyond my limits, He is there for me. He is my strength. He gives me grace to deal with parents who yell at me for things out of my control. He give me patience when disorganization rules on the floor. He gives me laughter when I want to cry. He provides gifts when I have done nothing to deserve them. He amazes me.
My inviting bed is calling my name, and all too soon, the alarm clock will be buzzing me awake. Here is to a night full of sweet dreams (not of work!) and a day full of surprises and smiles. Today's kiss from my patient has made my entire rough month worth it. May I stay focused on the good and let the bad fall to the side.
Being an intern is rough. I know it's nothing compared to "the good old days," but for those of us living in 2006 who weren't there for the good old days, it's not easy. Several things that have been far out of my control have gone on at the hospital and have made my month more difficult than I anticipated. I'm easily working 60-70 hours each week, and I'm just tired. I'm getting 2 days off every other week for a total of 4 days this month; I'm now on my 9th day straight and can't wait for this Friday evening to get here! I am gladly counting down the days until I am off this service (just 3 more!!). I got behind in my chart dictations and stayed til 10:30 PM last Wednesday to get caught up (never again) and still had to be back at 6:30 the next morning. This week has pushed me to the edge, and I have almost cried twice when I'm hidden in a bathroom or walking down a lonely hall. It's amazing how many lessons I am learning on how to treat my own physicians and my children's pediatrician one day from both the good and bad treatment I have received from families. It's also amazing the attachments I'm forming to some of my patients; I am afraid I'll cry again when I have to say goodbye to one in particular that I have watched transform from a cranky little one who always screamed "NO!!" when you entered the room to one who asks me for a hug daily and kissed me on the cheek this morning. I find myself sitting at home worrying about my kiddos and looking them up online to see how they're doing and if anything has changed on them; I even dreamed about them on my weekend off earlier this month. I have to get better at separating my work life from my personal life; however, it's simply not an easy task.
My husband is working in California right now. He flies out Sunday night or Monday morning and gets back Friday night after dinner; if I can, I try to wait to eat with him around 9 or 9:30 PM so we can share a meal especially if I'm on call that weekend and won't see him for the rest of the weekend. I get up when it's 3:30 AM his time, and I'm in bed by 8:15 PM his time, so we don't have much of a chance to talk. Today we were both so busy that I didn't even get to talk to him until 8:30 my time after having dinner with his mom (she was sweet enough to drive up to Dallas and take me out for a real meal!). It's difficult being separated from the one you love. I carry 2 pictures of us on the back of one of my badges, so when I miss him during the day (which naturally occurs often), I can look at pictures from our wedding and from our honeymoon and remind myself that this separation is temporary and that we will be together again soon.
My car has been giving me a little trouble lately; the key has been sticking in the ignition when I have gone to start the engine. It has always fixed itself with a little jiggle and a few prayers, but last Thursday while I was parked illegally in a reserved spot (just to check our mailbox - I promise!), the car gave out on me. I tried for over 45 minutes to get it to start, and after sweat, tears, several calls to my husband in California, and a few unladylike words, I called a tow truck. While I was waiting, I continued to try the key, and by a miracle, it started. I drove it to the nearest dealership. I was quoted an estimate of $100 for the tow (which I didn't end up needing), $750 for the repair, and $100-150 for a rental car for 2 days. Ha ha ... such good times.
On the bright side, getting up at 5:30 every day is finally getting easier for this non-morning person. I have finally had my root canal, so I'm almost pain free -- a very welcome change. The car repair ended up only being $450, and I got a friend to pick me up from the dealership, saving me the car rental fee. My husband gets to come home Thursday evening, and he gets to come with me to a conference I'm going to in Austin this weekend on my potential career move after residency (stay tuned to the blog for more details over the next few years). Did I mention that my only expense for this weekend will be gas money? The conference is covering the registration fee, the hotel, and both of our meals for 1 day. Exciting! My husband has been so supportive of me and does everything within his power to be there for me. I can't imagine anyone else putting up with all that he has to, and I'm so thankful that God has placed us together. We joined a church last month that has provided us with so much of what we need, and we can't wait to dive in and get involved. It's been harder for me because I work most Sundays, but everyone has been very understanding, and I am welcomed with open arms when I have the chance to be there.
God's timing is perfect. This month has been hard, and there have been many times I've dropped to my knees with tears in my eyes asking "Why?" or "When will this end?" Every time that I am pushed beyond my limits, He is there for me. He is my strength. He gives me grace to deal with parents who yell at me for things out of my control. He give me patience when disorganization rules on the floor. He gives me laughter when I want to cry. He provides gifts when I have done nothing to deserve them. He amazes me.
My inviting bed is calling my name, and all too soon, the alarm clock will be buzzing me awake. Here is to a night full of sweet dreams (not of work!) and a day full of surprises and smiles. Today's kiss from my patient has made my entire rough month worth it. May I stay focused on the good and let the bad fall to the side.
Friday, August 04, 2006
My prayer
This week has been so hard. I get up every morning at 5:30 to be at work by 6:30; my beloved husband is 2 hours behind me and still sleeping for at least an hour after I get to work. I work without a chance to call him until 4ish to 7ish, but even when I get off work, he usually doesn't get off until 8 or 8:30 PM my time. Since I've been up before the sun and will do it again until my first day off next Saturday, I typically fall asleep pretty early while he's just barely finishing dinner. We have spent less time talking this week than we have since we first started dating. It's been difficult. Most of the week, I've just numbed myself to how mentally tired I am and how much I miss talking with people about things other than medicine. Today at work I almost cracked. I heard my husband's voice on the other end of the phone and almost started to cry at the nurses' station with 10 people standing around me. I held it together until I could get home, and God has provided me with much comfort tonight.
I don't understand why things are the way they are, why our schedules have to be so opposite, why God has placed us here. I don't have to understand, and that's comforting. I read the following prayer, and it really spoke to me where I am tonight.
From Francis of Assisi:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
I don't understand why things are the way they are, why our schedules have to be so opposite, why God has placed us here. I don't have to understand, and that's comforting. I read the following prayer, and it really spoke to me where I am tonight.
From Francis of Assisi:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
when there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
My goal for this month is not going to be impressing my attending or getting in good with the fellow. My goal is to shine Christ through my words and deeds -- even if that means staying late to cover for someone else, not complaining when I get extra patients, and having a positive outlook when the group around me just wants to complain. I pray that I will find the good in my patients and in their families no matter how much they frustrate me. I have been able to share with patients before that I am a believer and have prayed for them; I am praying that He will open more doors for me to do that as I continue to practice medicine.
I better run ... I think my better half is finally off the airplane. I'll be gone from tomorrow at 6:15 AM until Sunday around 1:15 PM, so I better soak up what time I can tonight.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
(Halfway to the) Weekend Update
The good news: My 8.5 hour day turned into a 12 hour day yesterday, but I still left the hospital happy. I love my team, and even though I have some really tough patients, I have some really great ones too. I think this will be a good month.
The bad news: I made my 4th trip to a dentist in 4.5 weeks. She thinks I'm going to need a root canal on at least one tooth, but she doesn't do them. The specialist's latest appointment is a 2:15 PM. I work until at least 3 PM every day. I have an appointment for next Tuesday for an "evaluation with possible procedure;" I never thought I'd be this desperate to get out of work. ;)
The sad news: My brother is moving to New York this week for law school. Even though we rarely talk and only see each other about 3-4 times per year, it still makes me sad to know that he's going to be so far away. My parents and sister are driving up to New York with him to help him move his stuff in a few days. I really wish I could be with them.
The random news: I need to get caught up on my DVR. I DVR-ed about 5 hours of my favorite Food Network show "Good Eats" (yay, Alton!) on Saturday while I was in the ER, and now it's just sitting there taking up space.
The dumb blonde news: By law, everything I sign at the hospital must have the letters "M.D." after my name. I've gotten so much into the habit of writing them behind my name that at the dentist today, I started to sign my receipt with those initials. I'd gotten the "M" out before I realized I didn't need to sign that like it was an order in a chart. Oops.
The bad news: I made my 4th trip to a dentist in 4.5 weeks. She thinks I'm going to need a root canal on at least one tooth, but she doesn't do them. The specialist's latest appointment is a 2:15 PM. I work until at least 3 PM every day. I have an appointment for next Tuesday for an "evaluation with possible procedure;" I never thought I'd be this desperate to get out of work. ;)
The sad news: My brother is moving to New York this week for law school. Even though we rarely talk and only see each other about 3-4 times per year, it still makes me sad to know that he's going to be so far away. My parents and sister are driving up to New York with him to help him move his stuff in a few days. I really wish I could be with them.
The random news: I need to get caught up on my DVR. I DVR-ed about 5 hours of my favorite Food Network show "Good Eats" (yay, Alton!) on Saturday while I was in the ER, and now it's just sitting there taking up space.
The dumb blonde news: By law, everything I sign at the hospital must have the letters "M.D." after my name. I've gotten so much into the habit of writing them behind my name that at the dentist today, I started to sign my receipt with those initials. I'd gotten the "M" out before I realized I didn't need to sign that like it was an order in a chart. Oops.
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