Closing a chapter

I've been pondering this post for a few days, and I still don't know exactly where it's going to go. I just know that I need to write it even if only for myself.

Three years plus a week ago, I opened a letter that told me I had matched to a residency in Dallas. Hubby and I had done a great deal of praying over the matter and believed God wanted us in Dallas; opening the letter confirmed it. A month after opening the letter, Hubby and I said our vows and started our life together. Another month plus a week after that, we packed up our two cars and drove to Dallas. I had cried many times as we said goodbye to friends over the preceding weeks, and I cried again as we drove out of Houston. I had spent the last seventeen years in Houston or in nearby College Station, and leaving home hurt. I consoled myself by thinking that it would only be three years before we would come back, and that brought me comfort.

The next year was truly the hardest year of my life, and there are still moments when I look back at it in sheer amazement that I came through in one piece. Intern year raked me over the coals (as it tends to do to most of us), and worse still, I was separated from my beloved most of that year. I missed him and missed my friends so much that it physically hurt. I felt like I was in such a weird position of being a married woman without a husband around, so I didn't know which direction to turn to find friends up here. I felt uncomfortable hanging out with couples being the lone female, but living the single life (obviously) did not feel right either.

At the end of my intern year, we learned that my in-laws were going to be divorced. I knew God had at least one reason for us to come to Dallas, and this was surely a big one. We live only an hour from them compared to three hours from Houston, and being close by has been exceptionally important. Even with this, I know I subconsciously held on to the thought that we might return.

As the time for me to search for a job began to approach, Hubby and I began to talk through the ideas of where we thought we should be looking. We came to the conclusion that staying here in the Dallas area was the right thing for us. My parents left Houston two years before I did, and we have no more immediate family down there. We have no intentions to move to Mississippi where my parents now live, and Hubby's family all live within an hour and a half of us up here. God willing, children will come in the future, and we desire to be near family when that time comes. We had built a new house a year after moving here and were in no hurry to move again. Hubby has also done very well with his job up here, and it would not have been a wise move for him to have to change offices for the second time in three years. From my perspective, I already know the lay of the medical land (so to speak) here in Dallas compared to Houston, so there were advantages for me as well.

I have to be honest that I was and still am a little sad about not moving back to Houston. Leaving my hometown is HARD; leaving friends behind is even harder. Last weekend, one of my close friends from college got married. I miraculously had the weekend off, so Hubby and I spent the weekend in Houston. We didn't have enough time to see everyone we wanted to, but we were blessed with the chance to catch up with several old friends. I almost knocked over one of them from hugging her so hard upon seeing her! I'm hoping that in three and a half months when residency is over, I will have more opportunities to see our friends than once every three years.

Sunday morning we went back to the church where we were members before we left, the same church where we were married thirty five months earlier (to the day!). As the lights dimmed for service and the music began, I nearly lost it. I started to cry and couldn't even sing for a moment because my voice was quivering so hard. I missed Houston. I missed my friends. I missed the roads I had driven for years but was starting to forget. I missed the hole-in-the-wall restaurants where I'd spent hours eating and laughing. I missed the memories that came to mind when I'd drive by a certain coffee shop or store.

After the service, Hubbs and I went to our favorite little Greek restaurant to meet up with another set of dear friends. Since we beat them there, we had a few minutes to talk and digest everything that had happened that weekend. I confided that I'd cried during service (the bangs can hide things really well!), and he listened as I explained why. I know that we belong here and know that God has a purpose for us in Dallas; I just needed a moment to release my emotions and acknowledge that it's okay for me to miss friends and even a city.

At this point, Hubby said something profound that I'd never considered. He pointed out that coming to Dallas was probably a great thing for our marriage; since we didn't know anyone else up here, we had no other friends to lean on when we felt lonely (me when he was out of town and him when I was on call). Had we stayed in Houston, when I was gone, he would have still had all his buddies and probably would not have "needed" me as much and vice versa. Both of us are fiercely independent creatures, and learning to depend on each other and to have another person be such an integral part of our daily life is something only God could have worked.

Eventually we wrapped up lunch with our friends and began to start the long drive back to Dallas. All weekend long, we'd intermittently talked about missing Sebastian, and now that we were headed back to pick him up, I truly began to get excited. He's our little canine child, and I couldn't wait to see him! Hubbs actually felt the same way, and it turns out Sebastian did too!

An hour after picking up Sebastian, we drove through downtown Dallas. Almost immediately, the thought "we're home" crossed through my mind, and I couldn't believe it. How can two places feel like home? I still don't have the answer, but I know that I'm going to be okay. I know that I'll always hold a special place in my heart for Houston, but I know that my place now is here. I know that God has a plan for me where He has placed me, and I will rest, satisfied in the knowledge that He is good and will not let me down.

Amazing

We've been back from Disney World for a week, and I have to say that our time was amazing. We had SO much fun! I have a decent amount of pictures to post, but our internet was down at home for part of the week. I took the pictures to work only to find that the computers there block me uploading anything, and now that I have internet at home again, the pictures are still up at work. Doh! Work has been killing me; I've been there from 8:30 to 7:45 almost every day (Wednesday was only til 5), so I have had little time for anything other than work. Today and tomorrow I'll work noon to midnight, and Sunday I'll work 11 to 7:45-ish. I can't wait to be done with this month!!

Highlights from our trip:

• Meeting Mickey :)
• Riding some really cool rides
• Lines so short that we were able to walk onto many of our favorite rides or wait less than 20 minutes
• Waiting in airconditioning for most of the rides :)
• Laughing with Hubby at how silly we looked in our rain gear
• The Ecpot food and wine festival
• AMAZING sushi at a local restaurant recommended to us by a friend
• Getting to feel like a little kid again

When I can, I will post some of the pictures. Hopefully next month will give me more time to get things I need to do AND want to do completed!

Go, Cowboys, go!!

This weekend my parents came to visit. Since Hurricane Ike wiped out a large portion of Houston, the wedding in which my brother was a groomsman was postponed, so he and my sister traveled to Dallas to join in the fun. We have had a blast!! The siblings had to leave this morning, but my parents get to stay until tomorrow. Right now we're doing what every good Texan family is doing -- watching the Cowboys game. It's fun to watch the boys get so riled up!!

The last two weeks have been long, and I have enjoyed these last two days off immensely. I have tomorrow off as well, so I am being blessed with an hour and a half massage (winning that gift card really paid off!), and then I'm probably joining Hubby for a quick trip down to his mom's to get some furniture out of storage.

Thirteen days from now, Hubby and I are headed to Walt Disney World -- my fourth trip and his first. He has no idea how much fun we're about to have and doesn't have a clue why I am so excited. I'm praying that no hurricanes come to ruin our fun, but no matter what, I'm looking forward to having time with him with no work to hang over our heads during our vacation. We've both been averaging 60-70 hours a week for the last few months, so this vacation will be very welcome!

Sister time!

I had the weekend off, so my sister came to Dallas to visit. We had so much fun! Saturday morning Hubby and I finished cleaning the house, and I took Sebastian to the vet to get caught up on his vaccinations. He sure wasn't happy with me that day! By the time we got home, Becca was already waiting for us at our house. It was time to let the fun begin!

The three of us (Hubby, Becca, and I -- not Sebastian) went to Chuy's for lunch since Becca and I were craving some creamy jalapeno dip. Unfortunately, they forgot to bring out Hubby's plate, and by the time his food arrived, we were almost done eating; at least they gave him the meal for free since he pretty much had to eat alone! (He did encourage us to eat so that our food wouldn't get cold while we waited on him -- so sweet.) After lunch we did a little shopping and bought tons and tons of red meat for our weekend feasting (my hubby LOVES beef in any shape or form). I made a yummy mixed greens salad with bacon and balsamic vinaigrette as well as fully loaded baked potatoes while Hubby grilled his signature filet mignon. Becca agreed with me that his steak is better than most steakhouses and stated it was the best steak she'd had in years. My boy can grill!! :)

Becca brought us genuine kolaches from the Czech Stop in West, Tx, so we had those for breakfast. Becca and I are half-Czech and extremely proud of it (one of my next goals is to learn to make kolaches from scratch like the ones my grandma used to make), and having the kolaches reminded me of being a little girl going to visit Grandma in College Station and having cream cheese kolaches for breakfast in her little house. After church this morning, we had steak and grilled onion sandwiches, and now that Becca's gone, we've begun a long afternoon of watching football. Go Cowboys! This weekend was just what I needed; I now feel better equipped for another twelve straight days of work.

Definitely back

I'm definitely back in the PICU. This time around, I feel that some of the kids I'm taking care of are even sicker than the ones I had last year. One of my patients is on both ECMO and CVVH and is hanging in the balance, so I have had a crash course in both of these over the last two days. Both of these are largely run by the fellows and attendings, but I'm doing my best to keep up with what's going on. I spent thirteen hours in the PICU yesterday and another seven and a half today plus an additional four in clinic; I'm tired of being at the hospital! I have another thirteen to fourteen tomorrow and at least ten on Thursday, and then I'll be there thirty hours straight Friday through Saturday. I will work again Sunday through Friday (no more overnight call during that period though) and then will have two glorious days in a row off. :)

Being the most senior resident on the team has been a very interesting experience. I have a sub-intern (4th year medical student) on the team, two second year residents, and one second year outside rotator, and since none of them have been in the PICU before Monday, they have been looking to me for guidance. I've actually surprised myself at times when I give answers I didn't even know that I knew. We had a new admission early this morning right before rounds, so with the help of the night float team, I did a quick history and physical in addition to seeing my regular patients. I didn't have time to print up my history, so I apologized to my attending that I was going to present off memory. When I was done, he gave me a huge compliment in front of the team by telling the med student, "Now that was a perfect history; Sarah told a story with that one -- something that tends to get lost when people have their papers in front of them ... great job, Sarah." I actually felt not on top of my game since I had been so rushed that morning, so when my attending complimented me like that, I got a much needed boost. Being that I'm back in the PICU, I'm a little more emotional than normal, so I'm surprised I didn't start crying in front of the team!

Knowing that Hubby will be back in town in two days for two months (yay!!) makes this month easier to bear. I also love having Sebastian home to greet me at the end of the long day; his little tail wags a mile a minute every time I walk through the door, and he makes me laugh with his silly puppy antics. My little family is my escape from the stress of the PICU, and I am so thankful for them!

Happy 4th of July!

I've only been off nights for five days, so I'm still not fully adjusted to living normal hours. Hubby and Sebastian are both fast asleep next to me, but I'm wide awake; at least What Not to Wear is on. :)

I'm about to enter my longest stretch of time off in weeks; I had today off, won't work Saturday or Sunday, and don't have to go to work until Monday afternoon. This is phenomenal!! Hubby and I spent the day scrubbing the house from top to bottom; we are exhausted, but the place looks amazing. Tonight he grilled fajitas while I made guacamole from scratch ... soooo yummy with lime tortilla chips. We also enjoyed a lime curd tart that I made yesterday. After dark, we attempted to walk to the end of our street to watch a local fireworks display about two miles away, but some local geniuses decided that popping fireworks over parked cars and small children was a bright idea, so we left. Poor Sebastian couldn't take it outside; he did just fine once we got him away from the madness.

Tomorrow we're going to run errands, and I may try my hand at another new dessert if I can make a selection among several great recipes I've been wanting to try. All I know is that we are going to relax!

On a different note, I doubt that anyone from the military reads this, but on the off chance that someone does, I want to say thank you to all the brave men and women who are serving our country and to their families for supporting them as they serve. We appreciate your sacrifices and are grateful for all that you do.

Catching up

Today is my 2nd day off this 4 week block -- yay! Unfortunately Hubby had to leave for Philly this morning, but I was so out of it that I barely remember him saying goodbye. I slept for eleven hours straight!! I still can't believe it. At least I feel well rested now; tomorrow night I'll be back for yet another no-sleep call in the NICU, so feeling not tired for now is a great feeling.

My parents came into town on Thursday so that my dad could speak at our church; it was so awesome both seeing them and getting to hear again the message of all Christ has done for us. I think this was my 4th time hearing the talk, so I got teased that pretty soon I'll be able to give it since I've got the medical background as well. If only I didn't have my extreme dislike of speaking in public! To make Easter even better, I was able to finish my work up early that morning and make it to church only 5 minutes late. I had gotten to work at 5:30 so that I might be able to finish early, and praise God, I was able to wrap up quickly and get out! I've had to miss a decent amount of church recently because of work, so being there at all is a blessing, but being there with my church family on Easter Sunday was a special treat.

After sleeping half the day away, I'm working on getting the house cleaned up and back in order. It's not too bad since my parents were just here, but there's always laundry to be done or something to be cleaned. Then I'm running to one of the best and most fun stores in the world, Target, later today to clean up on post-Easter candy, and then I'm going to come home and bake! My mom brought me this AMAZING cookbook, and I'm eager to try out some new recipes. It's going to be a very relaxing day off!!

Memories of my grandma

I didn't have to work today (although I did have to go to the hospital for a meeting at lunch that lasted an hour), so I used the afternoon to clean the downstairs. Since I had a little extra time before Hubby gets home, I thought I'd make a loaf of bread. I just checked the dough, and yeasty smell of the bread along with memories of my Grandma hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.

My Grandma, my mom's mom, was and still is one of my favorite people ever. Her husband, my Grandpa, died before my parents even met, so she is the only grandparent I have ever known on that side. She and Grandpa M were both Czech and grew up deep in the heart of Czech country in Texas; she spoke the language fluently, grew up on a farm, and even gave birth to her first child out on a farm. My grandparents moved to College Station before my mom was born and raised their little family there. They were strict Catholics and in spite of this were only blessed with two children. My mom was born almost ten years after my uncle, so my Grandma considered Mom her little miracle. Grandpa M died unexpectedly of a heart problem in the early 1970s, and my Grandma never remarried. For her, he was it, but the entire time I knew her, she never seemed sad or discontent with her life.

My main memories of Grandma revolve around the kitchen. She was a good Czech woman and knew how to bake the most amazing creations all from scratch. Her kolaches were beyond anything I've ever eaten to this day! I remember her making bread in the kitchen and showing me all the steps; she even used to pinch off little pieces for her grandkids so that we could make our own loaves. Of course we didn't do everything correctly, but somehow Grandma's loaves were always the imperfect ones. I seriously didn't figure out for years that she switched them when she handed them to us! I know that my love of baking comes from her.

When I was around twelve, Grandma went to the hospital for routine gallbladder surgery. She had a massive stroke while she was there and was never the same. When I hear the word "Grandma," I flash back to her before the stroke because it's too painful to think about how changed she was afterwards. She passed away several years later, but I still miss her. Hubby and I each have a grandparent that we were really close to who died before we met and who we wish could have met us; I know she would have loved him as much as the rest of my family does.

Like I said earlier, Grandma was a strict Catholic and raised her children Catholic as well. My mom came to Christ when she met my Dad in the mid 1970s, and I know that they both preached Christ to Grandma multiple times after that. She told them that she believed but that she kept going to the Catholic church because it's what she knew and because she didn't want to upset her family. After her stroke, she came to live to us, and I remember reading aloud a passage about salvation to her and my sister one night, praying the words meant as much to her as it did to me. When she passed away, we held her funeral at the Catholic church where my grandpa is buried out of respect to her family. To this day, I still do not know if my Grandma believed, but I am full of hope that I will see her again one day.

In the meantime, I'm going to back and check on my bread. If I want to keep at least a piece of her legacy, I need to ensure I can make a decent loaf of bread ... even if I use some help from a machine.

A much needed break

The last eight weeks of work were absolutely draining. I spent 4 weeks in the PICU and then 4 months as senior resident on one of the general pediatrics inpatient teams. While I was inpatient, I took overnight in-house call every 4th night, and I am so tired. If I don't see another child with RSV for a while, it will still be too soon! I had so many random hilarious things happen last month and so many random frustrating things to balance out the funny that I am just exhausted.

I managed to work out my days off from last month, my vacation time, and my Christmas break time to work together to give me 13 days in a row off. I will probably NEVER have this much time off again, so I'm definitely enjoying it while it lasts. I'm now on day 8 and have loved every day of sleeping in (which means not getting up til 7:30). We hosted our Sunday School class Christmas party at our house last Saturday and had a blast! We spent last Sunday afternoon with Hubby's dad and 2 sisters and had a mini-Christmas since parts of that side of the family won't be together again this year. This afternoon, my parents and 2 siblings are coming in to stay with us for the next 4 days, and I cannot wait.

Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year. I love everything about it -- the food, the smells, the gift-giving, the decorations. This year has been even better since Hubby and I are the ones hosting Christmas. We have scrubbed the house from top to bottom and hung all our decorations. We have our formal Christmas tree downstairs and our homey Christmas tree upstairs. The house smells like a combination of the sugar cookies and cranberry-orange scones I baked last night, and my first turkey is sitting in the fridge getting ready to be brined soon (thanks, Food Network and Alton Brown!). I even have the cutest Santa outfit for Sebastian! Best of all, I have been able to attend church last Sunday with Hubby and will go tomorrow with my side of the family as well as Hubby; sharing fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Christ is even more beautiful to me this time of year after my long absence due to work. I am so thankful for the miracle of my King's coming, and while I know this time of year is likely not the actual time of His birth, I enjoy using it as a time to celebrate His story. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!

I am thankful ...

... that I'm incapable ... of doin' any good on my own.

Seriously, the tragedy I have been watching around me makes me stop and reflect how many things for which I have to be thankful. Let me give an abbreviated list:

• My beloved husband
• My family
• The best dog in the world
• My home
• Indoor plumbing :)
• Delicious food that is readily and easily accessible (and often somewhat nutritious)
• Clean, drinkable water
• My overall good health
• A supportive work environment
• Freedom of speech and of worship
• Easy access to medicine
• Laughter
• My new Barista and the delicious coffee that Hubby makes for me before I go to work
• Christmas CDs that arrive early (yay Amazon.com!)
• A baby's laugh
• Seeing miracles everyday with my own eyes
• Most of all ... my Savior

My calling

I am so tired. These last two weeks have been crazy; we have been so busy at the hospital that we have filled all the beds for the past two nights, a feat usually reserved the busy winter season. I'm gone five nights a week, and when I'm home, I pretty much just want to sleep.

There are so many days where I wonder why God called me to this. I never had plans to become a doctor. I realized I was supposed to go to medical school only 3 months before the applications opened, but the signs were so clear that I couldn't ignore them. I had planned to do Med-Peds, but yet again God made it more than obvious to me that my place was with children only. Each time He has blessed me for following Him, but there are days when I wish He hadn't asked this of me. There are times when I am just so tired that I wish He'd asked me to do something with more normal hours or less pressure. Then there are times when the emotional burden is so heavy that I can't hold back the tears.

I know there is a purpose for me being here where I am now. I know I will never be a famous name, nor do I desire that. I just want to make a difference in my patients' lives. I want to reflect the love of Christ in everything I do. VERY early this morning I was called to mediate a conflict between a "difficult" mother and the rest of the floor team. I spent an hour and a half with this mom and her child, and I think all the woman really wanted was to be heard. I was able to convince her to let me treat her child appropriately, and I watched this woman cry as she divulged to me that she knew her sick child would not be with her forever and that she was just doing her best to take care of a very complicated, very sick girl. I truly could feel Christ's love pouring out of me on to her, and I was surprised at how much patience I felt during the situation.

I don't understand even half the details of my life right now. I am so confused about figuring out the "right" time for everything in my life, but in the end, I know it comes back to clinging to God the same way I have for every other major decision. He hasn't led me wrong yet!

In the meantime, I should probably get some sleep. Tonight is shaping up to be a doozy!

Heartbroken

My grandmother is dying. She has Alzheimer's among several other diseases, and after having her health slowly decline over the last five years, she has recently progressed to sleeping almost 24 hours a day and is barely eating or drinking. She was placed in hospice care over the weekend, and every time my phone rings or I find an email in my inbox, I'm expecting to get the news that she has passed.

My grandmother and I have had a horrible relationship; she verbally and emotionally abused me almost daily as a child for over 4 years. When my parents found out what was happening, they took me out of daily contact with her, and I don't think she has ever forgiven me for that. I wasn't able to really talk about what had happened with my mom until college five years later, and I couldn't even truly talk to my dad about it until my second year of medical school almost ten years after it all ended. After all, it was his mother, and I felt that if I told him the truth of what had happened, I'd be forcing him to choose between his mother and his child. I finally realized one day that he had already made that choice long ago and that as my daddy, he will always be on my side and be my protector when he can. I have continued to see my grandmother over the years, and with God's help, I have been able to forgive her. I can now look at her with pity, realizing what a rough life she had and what led her to the life she lived. I don't condone how she treated me or other family members, but I am able to understand and to forgive as I have been forgiven.

I tried so hard to be anything but her, but I became scared when I observed some of the negative traits she carried coming to life in me. I used to be extremely demanding, informing family, friends, boyfriends, and anyone around me how things had to be done the right way, my way. I would get mad and blow up at people for little things that didn't deserve such a reaction. I tried so hard to be anything but her that I was becoming the very thing I hated. I cried countless tears over the years as I faced up to my shortcomings and to my past, and with God's help, I faced the problems head-on and let go of so many of the painful pieces of my past. I don't know if I will ever be totally free of what happened as certain things still bring an ache when they come to mind, but I am free of my chains of captivity. My family tells me that I am a completely changed woman compared to six years ago, so having the ones who know me the best confirm the work that He has done in my heart makes the journey worthwhile.

My grandmother professes Christ. I truly do believe that she is saved, and I look forward to seeing her again one day, whole and healed from the bodily afflictions she's now enduring. I used to think that when she died, I wouldn't cry, that all my tears would have already been shed. Getting the email on Monday that she had been placed into hospice care showed me just how wrong I was; I sobbed as soon as I finished reading it. I know that it was just one more small sign that God is still working in me.

My heart is so heavy now. I weep for my grandmother and all the pain she endured in her life -- losing her father at age 3 to appendicitis, likely abuse at the hands of her relatives as she was passed around the family since her mom couldn't care for her, losing her firstborn daughter to mumps at age 4 ... the list goes on. I ache for my grandfather; he has spent over 60 years of his life with her, so will he be able to live now without her? I ache for my father and his siblings; imperfect as she is, she is still their only mom. I ache for myself; I never truly expected to have a conversation with her about why things happened the way they did, but I feel that there is a piece of our story that won't be complete until the next life when God will have wiped away all tears and none of this will matter anymore.

I will soon likely be making my first trip back to Houston since moving up here for residency over a year ago. I wish it weren't under these circumstances. My husband has been out of town since Monday morning, but I think the tone of my voice told him today just how much I am struggling right now and how much I need him here because he changed his flight to come back Thursday instead of Friday. I am glad that my feelings are those of sadness and love rather than of anger and hatred. God truly can work miracles.