I still got it!

I worked four hours in clinic yesterday, had a two hour break to run home and back to the hospital, and survived a twelve hour overnight shift in the ER as pit boss. When I got home today, Sebastian wanted to play nonstop, so I only managed to get about three and a half total hours of sleep today. I knew I'd be too tired to put on makeup when I woke up this afternoon, so I did my makeup as soon as I got out of the shower this morning. I don't think the makeup really helped because I still looked pretty scary when I woke up.

I had a hair appointment at my usual place in Coppell at 5 PM, so I had about a 30 minute drive to get there. I stopped for a strawberry shake at Sonic just to keep me full until Hubby gets home tonight, and the sugar rush helped to keep me awake. Whitney, my stylist, said I was "in the zone" and more out of it than normal, but I eventually walked out of there with an AWESOME haircut (pictures to come later when I don't look like a zombie). I stopped at Target on the way home to get dishwashing liquid, and as I was bending over to reach the detergent, I heard a voice behind me say, "Hello."

I looked up to see a young Indian man standing there. This part of town where I had stopped has a large population of recent immigrants from India, and I have worked with a few of them in the past, but I didn't recognize this guy at all. Our conversation proceeded like this:

Guy: "Hello, are you in college?"
Me: "Ha ha ha ... no, very far past it, but thank you for the compliment." (I go back to picking out my dishwashing liquid.)
Guy: "Oh, I am in college." Awkward pause.
Me: "Oh really, that's nice ... where?"
Guy: "I'm getting my associate's at *insert local community college here.*"
Me: "That's great! Good for you." (By now, I have my two bottles and am trying to turn around to walk off.)
Guy: "Do you mind if I ask you out sometime?"
Me: "No, I'm sorry; I'm married. Thanks anyways!" (I bolted out of the aisle as fast as I could at this point!)

I felt bad for the poor guy; I guess he didn't see my wedding ring. It was a nice little boost to the ego though; even sleep deprived, I still got it! ;)

Sleeeeeepyyyyyyy ...

I'm so tired; I have worked the last two nights in the ER and have one more to go tonight before i get a little break. A patient's dad asked me last night, "Who did you anger to have to work a Saturday night shift?" I responded, "The better question is, 'Who did I anger to work Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday night shifts?'"

The new goods is that I'm getting much better at LPs; I actually had one of the techs request me to be the one to tap a child last night because he "wants someone who's good at it." It was definitely a boost to my confidence, and hitting the tap on the first try didn't hurt either.

Now it's time for me to go throw on yet another set of scrubs, make a quick dinner for me and Hubby, and then head back out. Unfortunately Hubby will be gone by the time I get home tomorrow, but we'll see each other Thursday. It's just another week in the life of this tired resident!

From the inside out

I find being transparent exceptionally difficult. I innately desire for people to approve of me; therefore, I often feel as though I need to show only the "good" side of me. Paul reminds me that it's all an image and that it's only because of Christ that there is anything good inside of me.

For the past few months, I have really been struggling. I've been dealing with several painful things, and my response has been to shut down emotionally. If I don't feel anything, then I can't hurt when the painful parts come. While doing this can help me make it through an individual day, it has robbed me of my joy. Shutting down has definitely affected my relationship with God as it has become a moving through the motions rather than a developing relationship.

Being the amazingly faithful God He is, He hasn't left me alone or given up on me. He has nudged me until He has gotten my attention, and I am thankful He has been so gentle. I'm now working my way back to where I need to be. I'm sticking my neck out and knowing that I may get hurt in the process of life, but the reward far outweighs the risks. I cried for the first time in quite a while today as I listened to one of my favorite mixes on my iPod and spent sweet time with God this morning.

I know that my resolve will be challenged in the upcoming months as I face two weeks of ER nights with a pretty understaffed crew, two weeks of night float as the most senior resident on call in the hospital, a month in the PICU, and a month as Cardiology senior on the inpatient service, but I know God will meet me in my place of need just as He always has. Making it through these next few months will undoubtedly be more bearable with His help.

Birthday thoughts

I'm now five and a half weeks through my eight weeks in a row in the ER. Double ugh! In light of the fact that I feel progressively more brain dead after each shift, here are some random thoughts from this week.

• I had a great birthday. My mom sent presents in the mail before she and my dad left for Spain, and Hubby sent me flowers at work the day before my birthday (I was the talk of the ER!). I also didn't work for 2 days in a row, so life was great.
• While I'm talking about work, let me say that I am so over the ER. I only have eleven more shifts to go; they can't end soon enough.
• When children are seen in the ER, parents have the ability to call back and speak with a doctor if they have a question about discharge instructions or prescriptions. That doctor is whatever second year resident happens to be running the ER that shift, and I was that resident earlier this week when a mom called to talk to me. Typically the front desk takes a number down and has me call them back whenever I have a free moment since the residents are often in traumas or urgent situations; however, this time a new person at the desk put mom through to my portable phone without notifying me I had a "mommy call." As soon as I answered the phone, this mom told me, "Hold on a second" and then proceeded to place her order at Sonic. She then started to ask me her question but told me to "hold on again" and corrected the error in her order. Really??? After finally getting the story out and realizing this would be an easy problem to fix, I told her I was happy to help her but needed the number of her pharmacy to correct the issue; that's when she realized she didn't have the number to her pharmacy and needed to go home to get it. The call was priceless.
• Sometimes a popsicle can fix everything.

Reflection - June 3rd

I found out this morning that a few of our chronic patients have died over the last few weeks. I already knew about some of them, but finding out about one in particular has really made me pause today. I don't think I'll ever understand why things happen the way they do. I will never understand why some kids are born sick, why some healthy children are suddenly stricken with illness later in life, or why some healthy children end up with horrible parents that hurt them. My heart breaks for all of these sweet children. To be allowed to care for them in any capacity is such an honor. I will continue to pray for these families in their time of need.