Heartbroken

My grandmother is dying. She has Alzheimer's among several other diseases, and after having her health slowly decline over the last five years, she has recently progressed to sleeping almost 24 hours a day and is barely eating or drinking. She was placed in hospice care over the weekend, and every time my phone rings or I find an email in my inbox, I'm expecting to get the news that she has passed.

My grandmother and I have had a horrible relationship; she verbally and emotionally abused me almost daily as a child for over 4 years. When my parents found out what was happening, they took me out of daily contact with her, and I don't think she has ever forgiven me for that. I wasn't able to really talk about what had happened with my mom until college five years later, and I couldn't even truly talk to my dad about it until my second year of medical school almost ten years after it all ended. After all, it was his mother, and I felt that if I told him the truth of what had happened, I'd be forcing him to choose between his mother and his child. I finally realized one day that he had already made that choice long ago and that as my daddy, he will always be on my side and be my protector when he can. I have continued to see my grandmother over the years, and with God's help, I have been able to forgive her. I can now look at her with pity, realizing what a rough life she had and what led her to the life she lived. I don't condone how she treated me or other family members, but I am able to understand and to forgive as I have been forgiven.

I tried so hard to be anything but her, but I became scared when I observed some of the negative traits she carried coming to life in me. I used to be extremely demanding, informing family, friends, boyfriends, and anyone around me how things had to be done the right way, my way. I would get mad and blow up at people for little things that didn't deserve such a reaction. I tried so hard to be anything but her that I was becoming the very thing I hated. I cried countless tears over the years as I faced up to my shortcomings and to my past, and with God's help, I faced the problems head-on and let go of so many of the painful pieces of my past. I don't know if I will ever be totally free of what happened as certain things still bring an ache when they come to mind, but I am free of my chains of captivity. My family tells me that I am a completely changed woman compared to six years ago, so having the ones who know me the best confirm the work that He has done in my heart makes the journey worthwhile.

My grandmother professes Christ. I truly do believe that she is saved, and I look forward to seeing her again one day, whole and healed from the bodily afflictions she's now enduring. I used to think that when she died, I wouldn't cry, that all my tears would have already been shed. Getting the email on Monday that she had been placed into hospice care showed me just how wrong I was; I sobbed as soon as I finished reading it. I know that it was just one more small sign that God is still working in me.

My heart is so heavy now. I weep for my grandmother and all the pain she endured in her life -- losing her father at age 3 to appendicitis, likely abuse at the hands of her relatives as she was passed around the family since her mom couldn't care for her, losing her firstborn daughter to mumps at age 4 ... the list goes on. I ache for my grandfather; he has spent over 60 years of his life with her, so will he be able to live now without her? I ache for my father and his siblings; imperfect as she is, she is still their only mom. I ache for myself; I never truly expected to have a conversation with her about why things happened the way they did, but I feel that there is a piece of our story that won't be complete until the next life when God will have wiped away all tears and none of this will matter anymore.

I will soon likely be making my first trip back to Houston since moving up here for residency over a year ago. I wish it weren't under these circumstances. My husband has been out of town since Monday morning, but I think the tone of my voice told him today just how much I am struggling right now and how much I need him here because he changed his flight to come back Thursday instead of Friday. I am glad that my feelings are those of sadness and love rather than of anger and hatred. God truly can work miracles.

Job title

Add dog groomer to my resume. Yesterday evening I was pulling grass out of the flower beds, and Sebastian was keeping me company. Being his usual inquisitive self, he wandered over to our neighbor's wilderness of a front yard when all of a sudden I heard him scream. He's typically a very quiet dog and usually doesn't even bark, but the only thing I can compare the noise he made to is a loud puppy scream. I called him over, and he continued to yelp the 10 seconds it took to get him to me. When he reached me, I saw that he was covered in little cockle burrs (those dry little sticker things that HURT). I tried to pick him up, but I couldn't find a single position in which to hold him that didn't cause him pain. I ran inside the house (carrying him as he continued to scream) to get scissors. I took him back outside, and after about 3 or 4 minutes, he finally calmed down enough to let me pull the burrs out. I spent over 30 minutes on the front porch, gingerly picking out the ones I could and cutting out the ones that were too tangled up in his fur. I lost count after 30. Extracting the burrs was one of the hardest jobs I think I've ever done because he would cry and look at me with his big brown eyes whenever I would get to one that hurt too much. When all was said and done, he was missing a few large chunks of fur, but at least he was free to walk around without yelping in pain.


After this incident, I stopped at Target this afternoon to purchase a dog grooming kit. The main piece looks quite similar to a man's beard trimmer. I'd never used a trimmer before, so it took a few minutes of experimenting to get it right, but now the little guy's coat is shorter and hopefully less prone to attracting painful objects of nature. My mom told me she almost cried the first time my brother got a haircut and lost his beautiful blond curls, and I have to admit that I felt a little twinge of sadness as I gave Sebastian his trim. His little black coat is starting to turn into a mature silver coat, and the trim made it more obvious today. My little guy is growing up! Don't worry; I didn't save any of the trimmed fur (I haven't gone totally crazy yet).

Contemplative

Today I took our yearly in-training exam that we'll take 3 times throughout residency as prep for our real Pediatrics boards that we take the fall after we finish. 170 questions in, I had enough and lost my drive to keep going (for the record, I did answer all 200 questions). I just wanted to finish and go home! I had good intentions of making a Target run since I was near my favorite Target, but that test sucked all the life out of me, so I *gasp* skipped Target and headed home. After giving my sweet puppy kisses and taking him outside, I immediately headed for the kitchen and whipped up my casserole version of my mom's chicken enchiladas. I made a sour cream-Monterrey Jack cheese sauce from scratch, grilled some chicken breasts that I then shredded, caramelized 2 chopped Vidalia onions, and sliced up some flour tortillas. Then I mixed everything together with the remainder of the MJ cheese and baked in a casserole dish for about 30 minutes. With a side of refried black beans, the meal was perfect, and cooking for over an hour at my own pace without any pressure was amazingly therapeutic.

I'm struggling right now. Hubby's job has taken him out of town for 5 weeks in a row again. He gets the weekends back here, but this is the longest stretch we've done with him being gone for a while. I have Sebastian here to keep me company, but obviously it's not the same. I'm such a quality time person that being apart just hurts. I saw him this morning, but coming home and knowing that it would be dinner for 1 was a sad moment.

On the bright side, the cutest dog ever is staring at me right now ... think he wants to go play outside for a little bit before it gets dark. This Yorkie thinks that he's a Labrador! Seeing him approach other dogs is hilarious because he doesn't realize how small he is. He is a truly wonderful addition to our little family (and a perfect reminder of why I'm not ready to be a mom yet!).

No More Driving

This has been by far not my best week ever in the driving realm. On Tuesday I managed to get myself broad-sided by a woman who called me a "f---in' b----" several times even after I apologized for pulling out in front of her. C'mon, it's not like I meant to cause the accident!! I think the police officer actually felt sorry for me because he didn't give me a ticket or anything (which I am very thankful for), but I still feel really horrible about the whole thing. My neck and back are still pretty sore, but they're getting a little better every day. I'm just thankful nobody was seriously injured. Her car was pretty messed up and required a tow (she wouldn't attempt to start it because she was afraid of messing up the engine -- the cop just rolled his eyes at me when that happened), but the trusty old 4Runner is still plodding along with not much more than a bent-up running board an some minor damage to the doors. This baby is a gas-guzzling tank!

I'm spending this block doing a developmental pediatrics rotation at an outside facility, so I usually arrive there between 7 and 8:30 AM, return to my main hospital 15 minutes away for our noon conferences, and then return to the other facility for an afternoon clinic before heading home. Today when I arrived to the hospital for noon conference, I made a special point of putting my keys into my purse so that I wouldn't forget them. I then promptly locked my purse in the car! Our security offered me a coat hanger but nothing else. The locksmith that services the hospital would have unlocked my car for approximately $40 cash only (which I typically don't carry -- I think I only have about $20 or $25 in there right now, and I'm lucky to have that), and all the other places I called would be happy to open my car for the low starting fees of $50 - $75 plus labor in some cases. Being the tight-fisted woman that I am (plus the fact that our electricity bill was through the roof), I knew my hubby was scheduled to be back in Dallas at 5:45 from his jaunt to Houston, so I opted to wait for him to bring me the extra key. Unfortunately thanks to the continued bad weather, his flight has been delayed. I finished my work around 3:30, so I've just been hanging out at the hospital since then. I managed to get in some studying, so that was a positive, but my mind has now officially gone blank. Any further studying is useless at this point, so I'm now just killing time. The website has his plane scheduled to arrive at 6:29, so I figure that he might make it here by 7:15 or so.

In other news, Sebastian is cuter than ever. He is still a handful, but we love him. He's getting better at learning to potty outside but still has occasional accidents. It's been a real challenge to help him want to go outside when it's pouring buckets, but he's getting better. We've had up to 5.5" inches of rain in a single day here, and I've lost count of the cumulative total for June. Today has been drier (at least the hospital), so maybe we'll have a chance to work on the flowerbeds soon. Sebastian is fascinated with the large pieces of bark in the mulch and has taken to running around the yard with bark in his mouth to entertain us.

Did I mention that intern year is over? Life has been pretty swell ever since I danced my way out of the hospital the afternoon of June 23rd. I had eight days in a row off, and we were visited both by my hubby's mom and by my younger sister during our week off. We got the house closer to being unpacked and organized, and we went on my birthday shopping spree with my mom-in-law. During her 2 1/2 days with us, she bought me 2 pairs of Gap jeans and 1 pair of khaki capris, a wrap dress from Ann Taylor Loft (it pains me how much cheaper this dress is now even if I didn't pay for it myself), 2 adorable shirts from Ann Taylor (I can only find one online), a personal bra fitting at Nordstrom with 2 very cute bras (I had no idea what my true size was!), one of the best smelling candles ever, a fun pair of red Nine West shoes, a cute yet practical pair of brown pumps from Dillards, more Fiestaware, and Godiva truffles among other things I'm sure I forgot to name. She also bought the hubby several nice dress shirts, so I wasn't the only one to be spoiled. :) I seriously had never had anyone take me out and say "have fun!" so this was a very new experience. I had to receive encouragement from them throughout the course of the day that I was not being excessive; in fact, my MIL had to steer me away from just the sale racks so that I would open my eyes to other things. We had a great time with her and look forward to seeing her again soon.

To have one of our family members finally at our new house was so cool. We got another treat later in the week when my younger sister came up to visit for a few days. Having room to host guests without stepping on each other every time we move is great!

Well, the hubby just called ... it's 6:45, and he's on his way to get me. Looks like I better get things wrapped up soon so that we can head home! I know Sebastian will be very happy to see us, and I'll be happy not to see the hospital all weekend! :)