There are days when I hate my job. There are days when I love my job. Honestly, I usually hate it and love it both within the same day. Sometimes I feel so confident in myself; I led a 3rd year medical student around today and could not believe how much more I knew than he did. Wow, I know that sounds dumb. I'm a doctor; I'm supposed to know more than he does, but there are so many times when I am reminded how much about children I still do not know. The good news is that I'm learning more and more with every shift. The bad news is that I switch services in 1 week, so I'll be thrown into a completely different territory and will start from scratch again. It's all good; I'm looking forward to learning a different specialty and facing the new challenges. Okay okay, so that's not entirely true ... I'm not a big fan of change and am just starting to get comfortable with the ER, but this change will be beneficial for me, so I'm keeping a positive outlook.
I love what I do so much; I can't find words to express how amazing it is to hold a baby in your arms and know that his parents trust you to make him better. To have a mom smile and say, "Thank you, doctor; this makes me feel so much better, and I'm going to sleep well tonight" after you explain what's going on with her kiddo makes all the crap that we deal with worth it. The downside comes when you can't give parents the good answers, when you have to give them bad news. I haven't had to deliver any earth-shattering news myself yet, but I've been there when it's happened, and it's so hard to fail the one time that it matters most. All of these precious children are ultimately in God's hands, and we are just tools that He uses, but it still stinks when His plan doesn't work out the way we wish it would.
I'm going to be honest; most days I ask myself, "What have I gotten myself into?" There are even days when I wonder if it's all worth it -- all the sleep lost, all the HUGE debt accrued, all the time away from my husband, all the friends that I have left in Houston, all the times I've gotten sick from a bug my patient has passed on. Every time that I begin to question, God always whispers to me that it is worth it because it's something He asked me to do. I never planned on being a doctor; in fact, I fought it until 3 months before the application process opened (taking the MCAT and knowing I had a single shot taught me real reliance on Him!). I wanted to go to med school in Dallas, but He put me in Houston where I made some of my best friends and met the love of my life. Like the old Caedmon's Call song states, "Looking back, You know You had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of; though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back, I see a lead of love."
I will never have all the answers this side of Heaven. I'll never understand why so many things happen the way they do. This journey that I'm walking has left me so changed; I am not the woman I was 5 or even 2 years ago. I pray that I'm a better woman for it and that I will be above and beyond what I've ever expected through His grace alone.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
A new world record
There are few things funnier (or occasionally more annoying) than watching my husband try to entertain himself in the car. I'm enjoying a week of vacation right now, so we took a trip for a few days out to the hill country. While there, we relaxed, ate lots of delicious food, and visited several local wineries. We had an absolute blast, but we did spend quite a bit of time in the car. I have a serious problem with any car ride lasting longer than 20 minutes as the rhythm of the road lulls me into peaceful slumber, so my poor lonely husband created ways to keep himself entertained while Sleeping Beauty caught up on her naps. Most of the time he simply browsed radio stations or popped in fabulous CDs (ahhh, Jack Johnson), but his new favorite way to prevent boredom required an empty road and several hills. Yes, he has created a game he calls "Car Coast."
To the best of my understanding, Car Coast involves driving quickly up a hill, building sufficient momentum, and shifting into neutral as the car crosses the apex of the hill. The record for not having to shift back into Drive without dropping below 45 mph was two minutes and thirty seconds and occurred somewhere near Luckenbach. It's sad that I remember this. We came close to breaking that record several times but were foiled -- darn those other drivers making us share the road!
This game made me laugh for the first few times, but by the 50th time, I was really getting tired of hearing it. I swear that my irritation only provided more entertainment for him! I'm thankful that Dallas is relatively flat; it should keep Car Coast at bay for a while.
To the best of my understanding, Car Coast involves driving quickly up a hill, building sufficient momentum, and shifting into neutral as the car crosses the apex of the hill. The record for not having to shift back into Drive without dropping below 45 mph was two minutes and thirty seconds and occurred somewhere near Luckenbach. It's sad that I remember this. We came close to breaking that record several times but were foiled -- darn those other drivers making us share the road!
This game made me laugh for the first few times, but by the 50th time, I was really getting tired of hearing it. I swear that my irritation only provided more entertainment for him! I'm thankful that Dallas is relatively flat; it should keep Car Coast at bay for a while.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Such a front
The last 10 days have stretched me and tested me like I haven't been tested in a long time. It's been a very rough period starting with the pain in my teeth and ending with a heartfelt "thank you" to my precious Father in Heaven.
10 days ago, I woke up in pain from my teeth as explained in my previous post and then worked a 12 hour shift after only sleeping 2 hours in the previous 24. 9 days ago, I was told I needed 4 root canals and would be charged $8000 to get them done. That weekend was filled with tears and questions as I pondered different options and was reminded by a wise advisor that God would provide for all my needs even if I did not immediately see where the financial part would come from. I stuck the next few days out, and the pain, while still present, began to decrease and become more of a constant nagging rather than continual torture.
Even with all of this, I still wasn't getting the message. With the recent flurry of events in my life from getting married to moving to a new city to having everyone at work call me "Doctor" and think I know WAY more than I really do, I'd begun to get pretty self-reliant. I hadn't even realized I was thinking this way; I had slowly begun to think of myself higher than I should and not to lean on God for everything the way He wants me to.
Wednesday night woke me up. I had an event happen at the hospital that terrified me to my very core. Within a few seconds, something happened that could have possibly changed my life. While it would probably turn out to be nothing, its repercussions were potentially deep and far-reaching, so much that I began to question things such as my own mortality and whether I'd be able to bear children one day. This happened two hours into my twelve hour shift, so I had ten more hours to sit up at the hospital and work. Fortunately (or not), it was the busiest night shift I'd seen yet, so I really had no down time to stop and stew. I did break into tears a few times at work, but I managed to hold it together for the most part. As soon as I got home, I collapsed into my husband's arms and sobbed. He held me and prayed over me, and in the middle of his calling out to our Father, I began to feel more at peace. After he left for work, I called my (earthly) father, and he reminded me that in the end, only God could comfort me and help me through this time; he also reminded me that I could use this to be a witness and that Romans 8:28 would always hold true.
After getting off the phone with my dad, I headed to my new dentist. They agreed to see me a day early since I was still in constant pain, so I was extremely thankful for that. However, I didn't get seen for over an hour after my appointment time because I was on the phone trying to work out details with my new insurance company that they had already promised were worked out; the office finally agreed to see me even though the details STILL aren't worked out. When the dentist finally saw me, I told her that I'd been told I needed 4 root canals; she said she didn't think that was necessary and wanted to try simply filing down the fillings because they'd been filled too high. Basically, the high fillings were smacking into each other every time I close my jaw, and this was causing the pain and inflammation that were keeping me up. I let her give it a shot, and within an hour and a half, I was eating again with no pain. Even now, 3 days later, I can still feel that the right side of my mouth is a little sensitive, but that is it -- no more pain waking me up, no more inability to chew, and (best of all) NO ROOT CANALS!! I was so so so so thankful to God that He spared me 4 root canals for the time being and the $8000!!
I went home from the dentist on Thursday and tried to rest. I got 2 hours of sleep again before having to go back to work my last night shift this month. Thursday night was hard, but I made it through without any major difficulties. I came home and CRASHED. I didn't eat breakfast but instead headed straight for the shower. After I got out, I fell asleep on the couch from 8 AM to 4 PM; I didn't even wake up when the phone rang! I woke up feeling better than I had in days, and shortly after waking up, I got the news that all the tests they'd run as a result of Wednesday night's incident had come back negative. I was so happy that I almost cried!
The point of all of this? In church this morning, we sang the hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul." As I sang, I recognized that in the middle of everything that happened this week, it was not well with my soul. I was not at peace. I was not accepting that my life is not my own, that I've been bought with a price. I've been living like I'm the one in charge, but in reality I've never been holding the reins. God is the one who is in control, and I'm ready to live that out actively. I'm so thankful that He has gotten my attention before it was too late.
10 days ago, I woke up in pain from my teeth as explained in my previous post and then worked a 12 hour shift after only sleeping 2 hours in the previous 24. 9 days ago, I was told I needed 4 root canals and would be charged $8000 to get them done. That weekend was filled with tears and questions as I pondered different options and was reminded by a wise advisor that God would provide for all my needs even if I did not immediately see where the financial part would come from. I stuck the next few days out, and the pain, while still present, began to decrease and become more of a constant nagging rather than continual torture.
Even with all of this, I still wasn't getting the message. With the recent flurry of events in my life from getting married to moving to a new city to having everyone at work call me "Doctor" and think I know WAY more than I really do, I'd begun to get pretty self-reliant. I hadn't even realized I was thinking this way; I had slowly begun to think of myself higher than I should and not to lean on God for everything the way He wants me to.
Wednesday night woke me up. I had an event happen at the hospital that terrified me to my very core. Within a few seconds, something happened that could have possibly changed my life. While it would probably turn out to be nothing, its repercussions were potentially deep and far-reaching, so much that I began to question things such as my own mortality and whether I'd be able to bear children one day. This happened two hours into my twelve hour shift, so I had ten more hours to sit up at the hospital and work. Fortunately (or not), it was the busiest night shift I'd seen yet, so I really had no down time to stop and stew. I did break into tears a few times at work, but I managed to hold it together for the most part. As soon as I got home, I collapsed into my husband's arms and sobbed. He held me and prayed over me, and in the middle of his calling out to our Father, I began to feel more at peace. After he left for work, I called my (earthly) father, and he reminded me that in the end, only God could comfort me and help me through this time; he also reminded me that I could use this to be a witness and that Romans 8:28 would always hold true.
After getting off the phone with my dad, I headed to my new dentist. They agreed to see me a day early since I was still in constant pain, so I was extremely thankful for that. However, I didn't get seen for over an hour after my appointment time because I was on the phone trying to work out details with my new insurance company that they had already promised were worked out; the office finally agreed to see me even though the details STILL aren't worked out. When the dentist finally saw me, I told her that I'd been told I needed 4 root canals; she said she didn't think that was necessary and wanted to try simply filing down the fillings because they'd been filled too high. Basically, the high fillings were smacking into each other every time I close my jaw, and this was causing the pain and inflammation that were keeping me up. I let her give it a shot, and within an hour and a half, I was eating again with no pain. Even now, 3 days later, I can still feel that the right side of my mouth is a little sensitive, but that is it -- no more pain waking me up, no more inability to chew, and (best of all) NO ROOT CANALS!! I was so so so so thankful to God that He spared me 4 root canals for the time being and the $8000!!
I went home from the dentist on Thursday and tried to rest. I got 2 hours of sleep again before having to go back to work my last night shift this month. Thursday night was hard, but I made it through without any major difficulties. I came home and CRASHED. I didn't eat breakfast but instead headed straight for the shower. After I got out, I fell asleep on the couch from 8 AM to 4 PM; I didn't even wake up when the phone rang! I woke up feeling better than I had in days, and shortly after waking up, I got the news that all the tests they'd run as a result of Wednesday night's incident had come back negative. I was so happy that I almost cried!
The point of all of this? In church this morning, we sang the hymn, "It Is Well With My Soul." As I sang, I recognized that in the middle of everything that happened this week, it was not well with my soul. I was not at peace. I was not accepting that my life is not my own, that I've been bought with a price. I've been living like I'm the one in charge, but in reality I've never been holding the reins. God is the one who is in control, and I'm ready to live that out actively. I'm so thankful that He has gotten my attention before it was too late.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
I don't remember too much of this weekend ...
But I have a good reason. Wednesday night was AWESOME. I could not believe how quickly things came back to me, and my attendings were really great when I would say, "I don't know" in answer to a question. As 7 AM drew near, we basically cleared the ER and had no patients waiting to be seen, so they let me go home 15 minutes early. As I walked across the skybridge to the parking garage, I watched the sun come up and realized that would be one of the great walks of my life. Walking down the aisle during my wedding and walking across the stage at graduation were both amazing, but during this walk, no one was paying attention to me or watching to see my reaction; it was a precious moment where I got to whisper thanks to God for helping me survive my first night as a doctor and love it!
I went home, ate some breakfast, and took a much anticipated shower. I climbed into my oh-so-comfortable bed and closed my eyes, expecting a wonderful long nap. I had to be back up at the hospital at 7 PM for another 12 hour shift, so I figured I'd have plenty of time to catch up on some sleep. Ha ha. How wrong I was! I'd barely dozed off when I began to feel that something wasn't right. Before long, the right side of my face was hurting so badly that I was in tears and writhing in agony.
To give a bit of history, I had some fillings done on "pre-cavities" in May. 1 week after the fillings (10 in all), my teeth began to hurt. I was convinced the pain would improve, and since it never stayed more than an hour or two, I wasn't too concerned. Thursday morning was entirely different. Both the top and bottom right side of my mouth were hurting so much that I couldn't sleep, and I didn't know what to do. I took a pretty strong painkiller, but it didn't touch it. I couldn't take anything too strong because I had to be back at the hospital at 7 PM, so I did my best to relax and to try to ignore the pain. I spent lots of time on the phone with my husband and with both of my parents trying to figure out what to do, and in the end, I got an appointment for 7:45 the next morning (45 minutes after I got off work) with a new dentist.
I ended up getting only 2 hours of sleep in 10-15 minute stretches on Thursday after being up all night Wednesday, and then I stayed up all night at work on Thursday. Diet Pepsi was definitely my friend that night. Thursday night I was pretty uncomfortable and even sent several text messages begging for prayer for relief so that I could focus on my job, and thankfully the pain never got quite as bad as it had during the day. I left the ER on Friday morning at 7 AM and drove straight to the dentist. It turns out that despite my obsessive brushing of my teeth since I was a kid and possibly because of the work that was done in May, I will still need FOUR root canals. I was in shock. The new dentist offered to do them that day, but the fillings I'd had done in May that started all the pain had actually used up all my insurance benefits that I had while still a student. The bill for the root canals? Well, the estimate was $7500. My new insurance for my job was scheduled to begin on Saturday, so for a fraction of that price, I could find a different dentist and get the root canals done. This dentist gave me some antibiotics and some painkillers, and I've decided to tough it out. I have an appointment next Friday with a dentist in my plan, and SO FAR my teeth have been doing okay.
My reason for not remembering most of the weekend is that I spent it catching up on my sleep. 2 hours of sleep is just not enough over a 48 hour period! I was so tired that I actually fell asleep on the phone as I was explaining the options to my husband on Friday morning, and once I actually got some relief from the pain, I was able to sleep for more than 10 minutes in one stretch.
I work 3 more night shifts this week and will actually leave from my last night shift on Thursday to go straight to the dentist Friday morning. Here's to hoping that everything works out and that I'm a tough girl until then! :) I'm seriously questioning how I'm going to be able to function on Friday morning; I already had a mild phobia of the dentist before May, and knowing that I will likely be having a root canal (or four) on Friday is a very scary prospect to me. Only my fear of continued pain will actually drive me into that chair!
I went home, ate some breakfast, and took a much anticipated shower. I climbed into my oh-so-comfortable bed and closed my eyes, expecting a wonderful long nap. I had to be back up at the hospital at 7 PM for another 12 hour shift, so I figured I'd have plenty of time to catch up on some sleep. Ha ha. How wrong I was! I'd barely dozed off when I began to feel that something wasn't right. Before long, the right side of my face was hurting so badly that I was in tears and writhing in agony.
To give a bit of history, I had some fillings done on "pre-cavities" in May. 1 week after the fillings (10 in all), my teeth began to hurt. I was convinced the pain would improve, and since it never stayed more than an hour or two, I wasn't too concerned. Thursday morning was entirely different. Both the top and bottom right side of my mouth were hurting so much that I couldn't sleep, and I didn't know what to do. I took a pretty strong painkiller, but it didn't touch it. I couldn't take anything too strong because I had to be back at the hospital at 7 PM, so I did my best to relax and to try to ignore the pain. I spent lots of time on the phone with my husband and with both of my parents trying to figure out what to do, and in the end, I got an appointment for 7:45 the next morning (45 minutes after I got off work) with a new dentist.
I ended up getting only 2 hours of sleep in 10-15 minute stretches on Thursday after being up all night Wednesday, and then I stayed up all night at work on Thursday. Diet Pepsi was definitely my friend that night. Thursday night I was pretty uncomfortable and even sent several text messages begging for prayer for relief so that I could focus on my job, and thankfully the pain never got quite as bad as it had during the day. I left the ER on Friday morning at 7 AM and drove straight to the dentist. It turns out that despite my obsessive brushing of my teeth since I was a kid and possibly because of the work that was done in May, I will still need FOUR root canals. I was in shock. The new dentist offered to do them that day, but the fillings I'd had done in May that started all the pain had actually used up all my insurance benefits that I had while still a student. The bill for the root canals? Well, the estimate was $7500. My new insurance for my job was scheduled to begin on Saturday, so for a fraction of that price, I could find a different dentist and get the root canals done. This dentist gave me some antibiotics and some painkillers, and I've decided to tough it out. I have an appointment next Friday with a dentist in my plan, and SO FAR my teeth have been doing okay.
My reason for not remembering most of the weekend is that I spent it catching up on my sleep. 2 hours of sleep is just not enough over a 48 hour period! I was so tired that I actually fell asleep on the phone as I was explaining the options to my husband on Friday morning, and once I actually got some relief from the pain, I was able to sleep for more than 10 minutes in one stretch.
I work 3 more night shifts this week and will actually leave from my last night shift on Thursday to go straight to the dentist Friday morning. Here's to hoping that everything works out and that I'm a tough girl until then! :) I'm seriously questioning how I'm going to be able to function on Friday morning; I already had a mild phobia of the dentist before May, and knowing that I will likely be having a root canal (or four) on Friday is a very scary prospect to me. Only my fear of continued pain will actually drive me into that chair!
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