Ready to quit

About fourteen hours after my last post, I stood in another patient's room in the ER as an intern and I explained that their only child likely had cancer and needed to be admitted to the hospital for further tests. Yuck yuck yuck. I was so ready to quit by the end of the week. Four new diagnoses in less than a week ... YUCK. I love pediatrics, but I hate cancer.

I'm back on days. I think today is the first day that my body has remotely been adjusted to normal people hours. Sebastian is so happy to have someone at home with him during normal hours, and since I have not had anywhere to be for the last two afternoons, he and I have been spending some serious quality time together. He's been playing with his new puppy toys while I've been doing research for a presentation I'm giving in two weeks, and now we're both chilling out while Paula Deen teaches us how to make a sinfully delicious caramel apple cheesecake. Yum.

Hubby is still gone during the week. He's on his sixth week in a row out of town and has at least two more to go. Having him gone is horrible; this house is too big for just one person!

Time to get back to work ... I'm no closer to being done with this presentation than I was yesterday. The more research I do, the further I seem to get from finding an answer to my question. Time to press on!

Drained

About 3:45 AM today, I rubbed a mommy's back as she waited in the ER for her baby to move up to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU). This particular mommy had just gone home YESTERDAY afternoon (I signed the discharge order myself) after a several week stay in the hospital for cancer-related issues. 24 hours later, they were back since their precious one had a fever (and a very serious infection as the story and the labs are unfolding). I had met this mommy a few hours earlier as we were preparing to send her baby up to my floor, but while he was in the ER, he took a turn for the worse and needed a higher level of care than we can provide on the floor. I wanted to come see the little one as well as this sweet mommy since they will hopefully be returning to my floor after the badness subsides. My Spanish is meager; I'm much better at asking direct medical questions than carrying on a conversation, but since no one around spoke much better Spanish than I did, I figured something was better than nothing.

Her eyes were red as I tried to comfort her. I don't know how much she understood, but I hope I was able to let her know that she's not alone and that we are going to do everything we can do to care for her little one. This baby was so fussy because of many factors including a strange environment, blood draws, and the infection to name a few, but one look at mommy made things so much better. I wish I could have provided the same thing to her.

Btw, my sweet little patient from my last post went home yesterday. I'm so happy for her and for her family.

This month is so hard, and I am so drained. I haven't been taking care of myself, and I am really starting to feel it. Working 68+ hours per week and fighting your natural circadian rhythm can really wear you down.

Brokenhearted

Late Wednesday night/ early Thursday morning, I helped deliver the news to three different families that each of their daughters has cancer. Each family's reaction was slightly different, but a common theme that ran through the night was one of shock and fear. Fear of pain, of death, of the unknown ... each family had so many questions. Two of the girls were old enough to understand what was going on, but the unassuming three year old and her family touched me the deepest.

As the fellow spoke and I nodded along, we explained to this family what the next few days held for certain and what the next few weeks and years possibly hold. Over the next several days, she would undergo several procedures and start a chemotherapy regimen after we completed an ID of the cancer cells. Late last night, I visited with the family as their little girl returned from her surgery and first dose of chemo. She was crying in pain from the procedure as well as from fear of the alien nasal cannula giving her the oxygen she needed. Her mom was cuddling her sweet little girl in her arms and trying her best to comfort her as her nurses hooked up her fluids and monitors. I explained to her parents why she needed the oxygen and then offered them the alternative to try a mask to give her the O2. They accepted my offer, knowing that this meant we had to remove two large adhesive patches from her cheeks. We have a solvent we use to help dissolve the glue, but it's still not a comfortable process.

My sweet patient continued to cry intermittently as her nurse removed the tape. Watching this process was difficult for me, so I can't imagine how hard it was for her parents. What almost made me cry was hearing her mom whisper to her, "Jesus will help you, my baby." Soon the tape was off, and I saw this little girl smile for the first time since I met her.

Ever since I walked out of the hospital this morning, this entire family has been on my heart. As I walked through Target this morning, I began to pray for them as I perused the aisles. My prayers later turned to myself as I asked God to use me as He will to support this family as much as I can.

For privacy reasons, I cannot disclose my patient's name, but if you read this, please pray for her and her family. God knows her name, and He is holding her in His hands.

Wow

What a night. I'm so glad I don't have to go back this evening! I seriously don't know how or why the hospital is so insane right now. I just need to sleep.

My calling

I am so tired. These last two weeks have been crazy; we have been so busy at the hospital that we have filled all the beds for the past two nights, a feat usually reserved the busy winter season. I'm gone five nights a week, and when I'm home, I pretty much just want to sleep.

There are so many days where I wonder why God called me to this. I never had plans to become a doctor. I realized I was supposed to go to medical school only 3 months before the applications opened, but the signs were so clear that I couldn't ignore them. I had planned to do Med-Peds, but yet again God made it more than obvious to me that my place was with children only. Each time He has blessed me for following Him, but there are days when I wish He hadn't asked this of me. There are times when I am just so tired that I wish He'd asked me to do something with more normal hours or less pressure. Then there are times when the emotional burden is so heavy that I can't hold back the tears.

I know there is a purpose for me being here where I am now. I know I will never be a famous name, nor do I desire that. I just want to make a difference in my patients' lives. I want to reflect the love of Christ in everything I do. VERY early this morning I was called to mediate a conflict between a "difficult" mother and the rest of the floor team. I spent an hour and a half with this mom and her child, and I think all the woman really wanted was to be heard. I was able to convince her to let me treat her child appropriately, and I watched this woman cry as she divulged to me that she knew her sick child would not be with her forever and that she was just doing her best to take care of a very complicated, very sick girl. I truly could feel Christ's love pouring out of me on to her, and I was surprised at how much patience I felt during the situation.

I don't understand even half the details of my life right now. I am so confused about figuring out the "right" time for everything in my life, but in the end, I know it comes back to clinging to God the same way I have for every other major decision. He hasn't led me wrong yet!

In the meantime, I should probably get some sleep. Tonight is shaping up to be a doozy!