Shoot me now!!

Last night started out on a really good note. Since I was working late again, Hubby grilled fajitas for us and even made a version of Chuy's creamy jalapeno recipe that I'd round on the Internet (very close to the real thing and SO tasty!). I went to bed with a full tummy, very excited about being able to sleep in the next morning; I was so tired that I fell asleep with the dog next to me (Sebastian isn't allowed to stay in our bed overnight). A couple hours later, I woke up with the sensation of having a large knife being stabbed into my right calf. I fell out of bed onto the floor and tried to bear weight on that leg, but the peach-sized knot that had formed in my calf forbid me from moving more than a step at the time. If Hubby had been out of town, I would have been screaming my head off from the pain, but as he was sleeping on the other side of the bed, I did my best to stifle my cries into whimpers and hobble into the bathroom where I could shut the doors and try to deal with this.

Moving into that room turned out to be quite beneficial. As the pain continued to increase, I began to feel worse and worse until all of a sudden, I was losing my dinner in the toilet secondary to the waves of pain washing over my body. I puked uncontrollably for a minute, and when it was all over, I brushed my teeth, drank plenty of water, and hobbled back into bed only to find a small Yorkie there just waiting for his mom to come back. I put the Yorkie to bed and dropped down into my half of the bed. Hubby, still barely awake at this point, made sure I was okay before we both gave into exhaustion and fell back asleep.

I didn't have another experience this bad again, but my calf still has a horrible knot in it. Hubby massaged it for a bit tonight, and I'm resting with a heating pad on my leg. I just hope this all gets taken care of before Saturday. Disneyworld can't wait! :)

My therapy

After the last eight weeks, I desperately needed a day off with no pressing responsibilities or to-do lists. I had a great massage yesterday followed by a quick, short-notice trip to visit my mother-in-law. I had planned to spend yesterday afternoon relaxing, but since we made the trip instead, I decided to use today for my relaxation today.

I spent the morning curled up with Sebastian watching Season 2 of Heroes. Since we missed the season premiere last night, I figure I had time to refresh myself on last season (thank goodness for DVR!). Now I've moved into the kitchen (bringing the laptop and the rest of the season with me) and have started on my own version of therapy -- baking. I trialed a new recipe for a dessert called Serendipity Deluxe bars (3 layers of deliciousness -- all from scratch!) and am waiting on my yeast roll dough to finish its 2nd rise before I split it up into rolls and do the 3rd rise. I'm also testing the new breadmaker to make a loaf of fresh bread for sandwiches. Knowing what ingredients I'm putting into my recipes appeals to me, and making all of these treats from scratch has been so fun. I have some flour left over from the bag I opened today that won't fit into the flour canister, so I think I may make some peanut butter cookies too in a little bit. :)

Hubby's not going to know what to think when he walks in the door tonight! At least I know we're having salads for dinner tonight; that will help counter-balance some of the yummy goodness awaiting us for dessert.

Go, Cowboys, go!!

This weekend my parents came to visit. Since Hurricane Ike wiped out a large portion of Houston, the wedding in which my brother was a groomsman was postponed, so he and my sister traveled to Dallas to join in the fun. We have had a blast!! The siblings had to leave this morning, but my parents get to stay until tomorrow. Right now we're doing what every good Texan family is doing -- watching the Cowboys game. It's fun to watch the boys get so riled up!!

The last two weeks have been long, and I have enjoyed these last two days off immensely. I have tomorrow off as well, so I am being blessed with an hour and a half massage (winning that gift card really paid off!), and then I'm probably joining Hubby for a quick trip down to his mom's to get some furniture out of storage.

Thirteen days from now, Hubby and I are headed to Walt Disney World -- my fourth trip and his first. He has no idea how much fun we're about to have and doesn't have a clue why I am so excited. I'm praying that no hurricanes come to ruin our fun, but no matter what, I'm looking forward to having time with him with no work to hang over our heads during our vacation. We've both been averaging 60-70 hours a week for the last few months, so this vacation will be very welcome!

Sister time!

I had the weekend off, so my sister came to Dallas to visit. We had so much fun! Saturday morning Hubby and I finished cleaning the house, and I took Sebastian to the vet to get caught up on his vaccinations. He sure wasn't happy with me that day! By the time we got home, Becca was already waiting for us at our house. It was time to let the fun begin!

The three of us (Hubby, Becca, and I -- not Sebastian) went to Chuy's for lunch since Becca and I were craving some creamy jalapeno dip. Unfortunately, they forgot to bring out Hubby's plate, and by the time his food arrived, we were almost done eating; at least they gave him the meal for free since he pretty much had to eat alone! (He did encourage us to eat so that our food wouldn't get cold while we waited on him -- so sweet.) After lunch we did a little shopping and bought tons and tons of red meat for our weekend feasting (my hubby LOVES beef in any shape or form). I made a yummy mixed greens salad with bacon and balsamic vinaigrette as well as fully loaded baked potatoes while Hubby grilled his signature filet mignon. Becca agreed with me that his steak is better than most steakhouses and stated it was the best steak she'd had in years. My boy can grill!! :)

Becca brought us genuine kolaches from the Czech Stop in West, Tx, so we had those for breakfast. Becca and I are half-Czech and extremely proud of it (one of my next goals is to learn to make kolaches from scratch like the ones my grandma used to make), and having the kolaches reminded me of being a little girl going to visit Grandma in College Station and having cream cheese kolaches for breakfast in her little house. After church this morning, we had steak and grilled onion sandwiches, and now that Becca's gone, we've begun a long afternoon of watching football. Go Cowboys! This weekend was just what I needed; I now feel better equipped for another twelve straight days of work.

Lack of sleep leads to random thoughts

Cardiology has been a pretty good rotation so far. While my call last Friday was way worse than my PICU calls, the day-to-day work has been easier. My interns are awesome, and I have even had great interns working with me when I'm covering other services! I had another long day at work today but at least got to see some REALLY cute kids in my clinic. I've worked 113 hours in the last ten days and will hopefully only work about 23 more over the next two before getting Saturday and Sunday off (isn't that sad that I just used the word "only" when describing that)?

I couldn't stop yawning while I was talking with my mom on my way home. She even asked if I thought I could make it home without falling asleep! I took an accidental nap on the bed with Sebastian sprawled across my shoulder, and when I woke up, I realized just how hungry I was. I grabbed a handful of ranch-flavored Goldfish crackers to tide me over, and I must have wiped my hand on my pants or something because Sebastian is going NUTS. He keeps trying to lick my pant leg and the spot on the bed where I put my hand down. It's hilarious!

I found out as I was walking out to my car today that another patient with whose care I was very involved passed away yesterday. That's three kids in four days. I didn't expect pediatrics to be this hard.

Hubby and I did some serious shopping this weekend. Several months ago, I lost the mixing blade to our breadmaker, so it's been out of use as I was having trouble finding a replacement part. This weekend I found the entire breadmaker on sale for only several dollars more than the blade alone by the time I factored in tax and shipping. Hopefully I will have time to bake bread again this weekend!!

I'm taking a big step by putting my blog address on my Facebook page. This blog has been a haven for my ramblings and is read by a couple close friends but more by people I wish I knew better (and maybe a few random people as well). I don't really know why I'm motivated to do this. It reminds me of something a friend once told me in medical school: "People just want to be known." Maybe that's part of it; I have a huge shy side (the loud side really is just a big act!), and I often feel like I have to put on a certain face depending where I am. I desire authenticity; I just want to be real.

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I hadn't seen him in nine days.

I hadn't checked up on him through the computer in three days. The last time I looked, he was getting better and moving closer to going home.

I found out this morning that he had suddenly gotten worse through another resident who didn't know him but had helped move him to the ICU.

I learned an hour and a half later that he had already left this world and was with his Creator.

Ten minutes after my discovery, I was holding his mom in my arms and whispering, "I'm so sorry."

Fifteen minutes after that, I was weeping in the stairwell.

Ten hours later, I'm still praying for his sweet family.

I'm hoping that it will stop hurting in a few days, but I doubt it will. I mourn his passing but rejoice for his healing; he will never need my help again.

Sweet sleep

Today was my first day off after working twelve straight days. I figured out I worked 140+ hours in those last twelve days, and sleeping in until 7:30 was such a treat this morning. Hubby and I cleaned the house this morning, I had my hair appointment at noon, and tonight I had dinner with one of my best friends from college who is now a vet back in Houston. It was a totally awesome day!! Tomorrow I get to attend church (a much enjoyed rarity!), and later we're having dinner with our pastor's family and a few other families who live near us. This weekend is breathing life into my exhausted soul.

Monday morning I start a new 4 week block; this time around, I'll be the senior on the cardiology service. It will hopefully be a little less intense than the PICU, and I already know most of the members of my new team and am really looking forward to working with them! I'll still work twelve days on/ two off for the 28 days I'm there; I already have a massage scheduled for the day after the block ends.

Right now Hubby and Sebastian are both sleeping away, and I'll soon be joining them. I love knowing that my alarm won't be going off at 5:15 tomorrow and that Hubby and I will get to spend quality time together where I'm not falling asleep in the middle of our conversations. Everyone needs a little break now and then, and I'm no exception.

Rainy day

No profound thoughts on this post ... I'm on the 12th floor again today, and it's raining so hard outside that I can't see anything but gray outside the window. I only slept about 2 hours on call Saturday night/ Sunday morning and then dozed on and off for about 4 more hours Sunday afternoon, so I could really use another good sleep to get caught up.

Hubby and I went to see his mom yesterday. Seeing her was fun, and it was even better to have the time to hang out with Hubby. Even though I slept most of the way there and back, just being together was great. I have really enjoyed having him back in town! I have loved cooking dinner for 2 at night and having someone there to laugh at the little things with me. This is the start of the 3rd week in a row that he's been in town, and I am loving every minute.

Alrighty, time to get back to work ... it never ends here in the PICU!

Miracles still happen

As I've said before, being a physician has strengthened my faith in God and pushed my faith to new limits like no other experience in my life. The intricacies of the human body remind me daily of how fearfully and wonderfully made we are, and I constantly marvel at His handiwork.

The last few weeks in the PICU have reminded me of that so much. We have had many sick patients who have not done as well as we have hoped, but we also have one patient in particular who has overcome incredible odds and is doing so much better than we could have ever predicted. Many people including me as well as many of the nurses and other providers have been praying for this patient diligently, and it's so incredible to see God working and restoring health in front of my very eyes.

Being able to participate in this patient's care has been such an honor. A family member thanked me today for all the work the team has done for this patient, and I was reminded of what I told this patient's mother (a fellow believer) a few days ago: "You know why [this patient] is doing so well, and so do I. God is the one who is healing."

I pray for my patients often, and I want to be more consistent at it. Doing so is a reminder of where my place is and what my role is, and I don't want to allow myself to get so easily caught up in the day to day rush of residency that I can sometimes forget that praying is one of the most important things I can do for my patients. I am simply a tool in the Master's hands, and my earnest hope is that He will use me as He sees fit to bring comfort, healing, or both to many families according to His plan. My post from almost a year ago still rings true in my heart.

Numbers

I have worked 106 hours in 9 days. I still have 3 to go before I have a day off. I have lost 1 patient but helped many more. I have dreamed about the PICU 4 times since I started this rotation last week.

I am tired.