I am sick yet again. I didn't feel so hot in clinic yesterday, and by the time I got home, it was definitely not good. I threw up around 8 PM and went to bed without dinner. This morning I ate a few crackers for breakfast as rounds were starting, but I didn't have the appetite for anything else. Around 10 AM, my attending told me to call in sick call because he could tell I didn't feel well. I almost started crying right there in the middle of rounds because I was doing everything I could not to call in sick call, but I felt so horrible that I just wanted to go home.
I made myself some soup when I got home, so in the last 30 hours, I have eaten about 6 saltines and a cup of chicken noodle soup. I'm considering some Jello for dinner, but we'll see. At least I have tomorrow off, so I don't have to worry about calling in sick call for a second day.
I'm in the PICU this month. I'm definitely not an intensivist! There are plenty of valuable lessons for me to learn in my 28 days here, but I am so out of my element. I'm seeing such horrible things that I usually want to go home and cry to get it all out. These kids are so sick, and I'm seeing horrific child abuse that turns my stomach. This month is turning me into even more of an advocate for my patients than I was before! I am so tired; I'm waking up at 4:30-5 am every day, and at least two days a week, I work til 8 PM. I'm only on 30-hour call twice this month, but the first time is Saturday. I'm a little nervous about it, but I know that it will be okay.
I think it's time for Jello and a second episode of Law and Order. I don't have any plans for tonight other than to relax and watch TV with Sebastian. Tomorrow Hubby will be home; I'm hoping that I will at least be eating real food by dinner tomorrow.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
One more thing ...
One more thing I am thankful for is the ability to swallow. My precious patient has lost that ability. I found out today through a text page from another doc taking care of her, and now she is going to require tube feeds. I almost started crying in Fry's shortly after I found out. Later after we got home, I soaked in a hot bath with water up to my chin as I cried out to God and told Him again that I don't know what to do for her. No one seems to know. She is getting worse right in front of our eyes, and there is nothing we can do to stop it.
This is the point where my flesh wants to start disengaging. Looking into her mom's eyes hurts so badly because I cannot provide answers or an honest hope of recovery at this point. Caressing her sweet little face reminds me how fragile she is. Although I continue to pray for a miracle, I am preparing myself for what happens if God chooses not to provide one. She may live a long life, but at this point there are no answers.
Fortunately the Holy Spirit refuses to let me disengage. I am frequently reminded that the best thing I can do for her is to pray. The first time God began to whisper to my heart what He had in store for my life, I was a 14 year old teen volunteer at Hermann Hospital. I was wheeling a patient from the front of the hospital to his room when he began to vomit in front of me. I was a helpless teenager who had no clue what to do, but I was overcome with a desire to help this man. The words from a song called "Not Too Far From Here" (originally sung by Kim Boyce) popped into my head: "Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain; help me not to rest while those around me weep. Give me Your strength and compassion when somebody finds the road of life too steep."
Little did I know that six years later, He would call me to medical school, and four years later, He would call me to take care of His little ones. I see His fingerprints every day in the beauty that is the human body. I see His miracles everywhere I turn. How one could practice medicine and not believe in God is beyond me.
I can cry for my patient. I can pray for her. I can feel helpless. I can come up with new ideas. I just need to keep remembering that God has a perfect plan, and I need to be ready to be a tool in His hands in any way He wants to use me.
Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here
And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me Lord to wipe away a tear
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here
Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
Somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here
It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me and take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here
Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds the road of life too steep
Now, I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak your love to every needful ear
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
This is the point where my flesh wants to start disengaging. Looking into her mom's eyes hurts so badly because I cannot provide answers or an honest hope of recovery at this point. Caressing her sweet little face reminds me how fragile she is. Although I continue to pray for a miracle, I am preparing myself for what happens if God chooses not to provide one. She may live a long life, but at this point there are no answers.
Fortunately the Holy Spirit refuses to let me disengage. I am frequently reminded that the best thing I can do for her is to pray. The first time God began to whisper to my heart what He had in store for my life, I was a 14 year old teen volunteer at Hermann Hospital. I was wheeling a patient from the front of the hospital to his room when he began to vomit in front of me. I was a helpless teenager who had no clue what to do, but I was overcome with a desire to help this man. The words from a song called "Not Too Far From Here" (originally sung by Kim Boyce) popped into my head: "Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain; help me not to rest while those around me weep. Give me Your strength and compassion when somebody finds the road of life too steep."
Little did I know that six years later, He would call me to medical school, and four years later, He would call me to take care of His little ones. I see His fingerprints every day in the beauty that is the human body. I see His miracles everywhere I turn. How one could practice medicine and not believe in God is beyond me.
I can cry for my patient. I can pray for her. I can feel helpless. I can come up with new ideas. I just need to keep remembering that God has a perfect plan, and I need to be ready to be a tool in His hands in any way He wants to use me.
Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here
And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me Lord to wipe away a tear
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here
Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
Somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here
It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me and take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here
Help me, Lord, not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest while those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds the road of life too steep
Now, I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak your love to every needful ear
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
Jesus is waiting
Not too far from here
I am thankful ...
... that I'm incapable ... of doin' any good on my own.
Seriously, the tragedy I have been watching around me makes me stop and reflect how many things for which I have to be thankful. Let me give an abbreviated list:
Seriously, the tragedy I have been watching around me makes me stop and reflect how many things for which I have to be thankful. Let me give an abbreviated list:
- My beloved husband
- My family
- The best dog in the world
- My home
- Indoor plumbing :)
- Delicious food that is readily and easily accessible (and often somewhat nutritious)
- Clean, drinkable water
- My overall good health
- A supportive work environment
- Freedom of speech and of worship
- Easy access to medicine
- Laughter
- My new Barista and the delicious coffee that Hubby makes for me before I go to work
- Christmas CDs that arrive early (yay Amazon.com!)
- A baby's laugh
- Seeing miracles everyday with my own eyes
- Most of all ... my Savior
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Reflection
Tonight I decided to skip an optional journal club meeting, so Sebastian and I are chilling and doing nothing worthwhile. He's sleeping in my lap while I'm working on wiping out my classic iPod and starting from scratch. Unfortunately my largest CD case is in hubby's car at the airport, but my smaller case with many of my favorite CDs was in mine, so I have decent starting material. I've been enjoying songs I've loved for the last ten+ years, so I felt inspired to fill one of these out.
1. What were you doing 10 years ago? It was October 1997, and I was applying to colleges and going on trips across Texas to figure out where I wanted to be. I was also stressing over my ex-boyfriend (although, as I joke with Hubby, we never officially broke up, so technically ...) and wondering whether or not we should get back together. For the record, we didn't. I had just gotten my driver's license four months earlier and my own car one month earlier, and my braces had FINALLY come off on the same day I got my car. I thought I was the stuff!
2. What were you doing 5 years ago? October 2002 -- I was into my first semester of medical school and FREAKING OUT over anatomy. Yuck. I was also driving almost every weekend to be with a boy who turned out to be bad news. Between studying and driving to see the boy, I didn't have much time for anything else, and I was missing College Station very badly.
3. What were you doing 1 year ago? October 2006 -- I was finishing up my easiest month of intern year (clinic selective) and starting one of my harder months (night float). I was so exhausted and extremely stressed over residency and missing my hubby. I missed Houston so much it hurt! Funny how a place in which I felt so uncomfortable 4 years earlier seemed so much like home.
4. What did you do yesterday? I went to Surgery Clinic and learned about all sorts of surgical problems kids have. Some would gross out anybody non-medical, so I won't give any links. :) Then I went to one of the best stores in the world, Target, and came home to hang out with Sebastian.
5. Snacks I enjoy -- I get on kicks where I will eat certain things over and over and over until I get sick of them, and then I won't touch them for months. The latest passions? Red grapes, pineapple, grill cheese sandwiches, and a glass of milk with a cookie (although I don't eat all those at the same time)
6. Things I would do with $100 million dollars -- Automatic $10 million to my church as a tithe, then extra for missions both abroad and in my hometown. Pay off my student loans, our house, and my car. Take my family and Hubby's family on a trip. Find a family in need and buy Christmas toys for all their children. Save the rest and continue to live our life in a manner much like we live now. It would be nice to not have to pay off my loans and the house, but other than that, I don't think I would want to change much of how we live. God has blessed us with far more than we need.
7. Locations I would run to -- I'd love to go back to Maui with Hubby and take him to Italy and France for his first trip to Europe. We're talking about going to NYC for my first trip there during our vacation in the spring, so I would have to stay I'd go there as well!
8. Bad habits I have -- I bite my nails and do it more when I am nervous. It is so gross, but I do it unconsciously, and that makes it so difficult to stop. I also tend to tune things out when they don't interest me.
9. Things I like to do -- Hang out with Hubby and Sebastian, read, cook, drink a glass of nice wine over a delicious dinner
10. Biggest joy of the moment -- Getting to see my parents this weekend for the first time in ages! I saw them for 1 day at my grandmother's funeral in August, but other than that, I don't think we've spent time together since March. They're going to see our house for the first time since it's been completed and meet Sebastian for the first time. PLUS when they leave on Sunday, Hubby won't be leaving out of town the next day!!! He'll be in town for at least one week -- the first time in eight weeks he won't be getting on a plane on Monday! I am thrilled beyond words. Thursday can't get here soon enough!
1. What were you doing 10 years ago? It was October 1997, and I was applying to colleges and going on trips across Texas to figure out where I wanted to be. I was also stressing over my ex-boyfriend (although, as I joke with Hubby, we never officially broke up, so technically ...) and wondering whether or not we should get back together. For the record, we didn't. I had just gotten my driver's license four months earlier and my own car one month earlier, and my braces had FINALLY come off on the same day I got my car. I thought I was the stuff!
2. What were you doing 5 years ago? October 2002 -- I was into my first semester of medical school and FREAKING OUT over anatomy. Yuck. I was also driving almost every weekend to be with a boy who turned out to be bad news. Between studying and driving to see the boy, I didn't have much time for anything else, and I was missing College Station very badly.
3. What were you doing 1 year ago? October 2006 -- I was finishing up my easiest month of intern year (clinic selective) and starting one of my harder months (night float). I was so exhausted and extremely stressed over residency and missing my hubby. I missed Houston so much it hurt! Funny how a place in which I felt so uncomfortable 4 years earlier seemed so much like home.
4. What did you do yesterday? I went to Surgery Clinic and learned about all sorts of surgical problems kids have. Some would gross out anybody non-medical, so I won't give any links. :) Then I went to one of the best stores in the world, Target, and came home to hang out with Sebastian.
5. Snacks I enjoy -- I get on kicks where I will eat certain things over and over and over until I get sick of them, and then I won't touch them for months. The latest passions? Red grapes, pineapple, grill cheese sandwiches, and a glass of milk with a cookie (although I don't eat all those at the same time)
6. Things I would do with $100 million dollars -- Automatic $10 million to my church as a tithe, then extra for missions both abroad and in my hometown. Pay off my student loans, our house, and my car. Take my family and Hubby's family on a trip. Find a family in need and buy Christmas toys for all their children. Save the rest and continue to live our life in a manner much like we live now. It would be nice to not have to pay off my loans and the house, but other than that, I don't think I would want to change much of how we live. God has blessed us with far more than we need.
7. Locations I would run to -- I'd love to go back to Maui with Hubby and take him to Italy and France for his first trip to Europe. We're talking about going to NYC for my first trip there during our vacation in the spring, so I would have to stay I'd go there as well!
8. Bad habits I have -- I bite my nails and do it more when I am nervous. It is so gross, but I do it unconsciously, and that makes it so difficult to stop. I also tend to tune things out when they don't interest me.
9. Things I like to do -- Hang out with Hubby and Sebastian, read, cook, drink a glass of nice wine over a delicious dinner
10. Biggest joy of the moment -- Getting to see my parents this weekend for the first time in ages! I saw them for 1 day at my grandmother's funeral in August, but other than that, I don't think we've spent time together since March. They're going to see our house for the first time since it's been completed and meet Sebastian for the first time. PLUS when they leave on Sunday, Hubby won't be leaving out of town the next day!!! He'll be in town for at least one week -- the first time in eight weeks he won't be getting on a plane on Monday! I am thrilled beyond words. Thursday can't get here soon enough!
Monday, October 08, 2007
A time of renewal
I've been having a pretty rough go at it for the last few months. My patients have been very sick, and I've been separated from my husband much more frequently than I would like. I haven't been "sick" per say, but I have been so much more tired than usual. I have been emotionally drained and haven't felt very "happy" in a while. This has not been an easy time for me.
This weekend was my church's ladies' retreat. I was initially very hesitant about going, but one of the girls from my Sunday School class invited me to stay in her room, so I decided it might be a good idea. I really had no idea what to expect, but I now can see that God was preparing this weekend for me.
Our pastor's mom spoke to us and discussed Romans 12:1-2. The theme of the retreat was "A Time of Renewal," and the Lord used the twenty-two hours I spent in Waxahachie to refresh my soul and meet me in my deepest places of need. He allowed me to deepen relationships with my sisters in Christ and to establish a few new friendships with ladies outside of the typical age range I usually hang out with. He gave me the ability to see my life in a new light and to remember the importance of joy even when trials arise. I was able to return to Dallas with a lighter burden than the one I had brought to the retreat.
The best moment of the retreat came after lunch on Saturday. The main conference room was opened up 30 minutes early to allow us quiet time to pray, read, or meditate on Him. I slipped into the room and curled up in my chair with my head resting on my Bible. As I wept and cried out to Him for myself, my family, my lost friends, my patients, and so many other things, He brought verses to my mind and whispered comfort to my soul. What a sweet and merciful Savior!
This weekend was my church's ladies' retreat. I was initially very hesitant about going, but one of the girls from my Sunday School class invited me to stay in her room, so I decided it might be a good idea. I really had no idea what to expect, but I now can see that God was preparing this weekend for me.
Our pastor's mom spoke to us and discussed Romans 12:1-2. The theme of the retreat was "A Time of Renewal," and the Lord used the twenty-two hours I spent in Waxahachie to refresh my soul and meet me in my deepest places of need. He allowed me to deepen relationships with my sisters in Christ and to establish a few new friendships with ladies outside of the typical age range I usually hang out with. He gave me the ability to see my life in a new light and to remember the importance of joy even when trials arise. I was able to return to Dallas with a lighter burden than the one I had brought to the retreat.
The best moment of the retreat came after lunch on Saturday. The main conference room was opened up 30 minutes early to allow us quiet time to pray, read, or meditate on Him. I slipped into the room and curled up in my chair with my head resting on my Bible. As I wept and cried out to Him for myself, my family, my lost friends, my patients, and so many other things, He brought verses to my mind and whispered comfort to my soul. What a sweet and merciful Savior!
Thursday, October 04, 2007
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