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I hadn't seen him in nine days.

I hadn't checked up on him through the computer in three days. The last time I looked, he was getting better and moving closer to going home.

I found out this morning that he had suddenly gotten worse through another resident who didn't know him but had helped move him to the ICU.

I learned an hour and a half later that he had already left this world and was with his Creator.

Ten minutes after my discovery, I was holding his mom in my arms and whispering, "I'm so sorry."

Fifteen minutes after that, I was weeping in the stairwell.

Ten hours later, I'm still praying for his sweet family.

I'm hoping that it will stop hurting in a few days, but I doubt it will. I mourn his passing but rejoice for his healing; he will never need my help again.

Sweet sleep

Today was my first day off after working twelve straight days. I figured out I worked 140+ hours in those last twelve days, and sleeping in until 7:30 was such a treat this morning. Hubby and I cleaned the house this morning, I had my hair appointment at noon, and tonight I had dinner with one of my best friends from college who is now a vet back in Houston. It was a totally awesome day!! Tomorrow I get to attend church (a much enjoyed rarity!), and later we're having dinner with our pastor's family and a few other families who live near us. This weekend is breathing life into my exhausted soul.

Monday morning I start a new 4 week block; this time around, I'll be the senior on the cardiology service. It will hopefully be a little less intense than the PICU, and I already know most of the members of my new team and am really looking forward to working with them! I'll still work twelve days on/ two off for the 28 days I'm there; I already have a massage scheduled for the day after the block ends.

Right now Hubby and Sebastian are both sleeping away, and I'll soon be joining them. I love knowing that my alarm won't be going off at 5:15 tomorrow and that Hubby and I will get to spend quality time together where I'm not falling asleep in the middle of our conversations. Everyone needs a little break now and then, and I'm no exception.

Rainy day

No profound thoughts on this post ... I'm on the 12th floor again today, and it's raining so hard outside that I can't see anything but gray outside the window. I only slept about 2 hours on call Saturday night/ Sunday morning and then dozed on and off for about 4 more hours Sunday afternoon, so I could really use another good sleep to get caught up.

Hubby and I went to see his mom yesterday. Seeing her was fun, and it was even better to have the time to hang out with Hubby. Even though I slept most of the way there and back, just being together was great. I have really enjoyed having him back in town! I have loved cooking dinner for 2 at night and having someone there to laugh at the little things with me. This is the start of the 3rd week in a row that he's been in town, and I am loving every minute.

Alrighty, time to get back to work ... it never ends here in the PICU!

Miracles still happen

As I've said before, being a physician has strengthened my faith in God and pushed my faith to new limits like no other experience in my life. The intricacies of the human body remind me daily of how fearfully and wonderfully made we are, and I constantly marvel at His handiwork.

The last few weeks in the PICU have reminded me of that so much. We have had many sick patients who have not done as well as we have hoped, but we also have one patient in particular who has overcome incredible odds and is doing so much better than we could have ever predicted. Many people including me as well as many of the nurses and other providers have been praying for this patient diligently, and it's so incredible to see God working and restoring health in front of my very eyes.

Being able to participate in this patient's care has been such an honor. A family member thanked me today for all the work the team has done for this patient, and I was reminded of what I told this patient's mother (a fellow believer) a few days ago: "You know why [this patient] is doing so well, and so do I. God is the one who is healing."

I pray for my patients often, and I want to be more consistent at it. Doing so is a reminder of where my place is and what my role is, and I don't want to allow myself to get so easily caught up in the day to day rush of residency that I can sometimes forget that praying is one of the most important things I can do for my patients. I am simply a tool in the Master's hands, and my earnest hope is that He will use me as He sees fit to bring comfort, healing, or both to many families according to His plan. My post from almost a year ago still rings true in my heart.

Numbers

I have worked 106 hours in 9 days. I still have 3 to go before I have a day off. I have lost 1 patient but helped many more. I have dreamed about the PICU 4 times since I started this rotation last week.

I am tired.