From the inside out

I find being transparent exceptionally difficult. I innately desire for people to approve of me; therefore, I often feel as though I need to show only the "good" side of me. Paul reminds me that it's all an image and that it's only because of Christ that there is anything good inside of me.

For the past few months, I have really been struggling. I've been dealing with several painful things, and my response has been to shut down emotionally. If I don't feel anything, then I can't hurt when the painful parts come. While doing this can help me make it through an individual day, it has robbed me of my joy. Shutting down has definitely affected my relationship with God as it has become a moving through the motions rather than a developing relationship.

Being the amazingly faithful God He is, He hasn't left me alone or given up on me. He has nudged me until He has gotten my attention, and I am thankful He has been so gentle. I'm now working my way back to where I need to be. I'm sticking my neck out and knowing that I may get hurt in the process of life, but the reward far outweighs the risks. I cried for the first time in quite a while today as I listened to one of my favorite mixes on my iPod and spent sweet time with God this morning.

I know that my resolve will be challenged in the upcoming months as I face two weeks of ER nights with a pretty understaffed crew, two weeks of night float as the most senior resident on call in the hospital, a month in the PICU, and a month as Cardiology senior on the inpatient service, but I know God will meet me in my place of need just as He always has. Making it through these next few months will undoubtedly be more bearable with His help.